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...what constitutes abuse? and if it was a abuse, does that mean it wasn't my fault?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Caoimhe Fayre, Jun 24, 2012.

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  1. Caoimhe Fayre

    Caoimhe Fayre
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    So I'm pretty sure I was emotionally and verbally abused throughout most of my childhood, as well as neglected.

    I know I was physically abused on rare occasions, by my mother's boyfriends - one of my earliest memories is of being hit with a belt, at about 4 or 5 years old, because I cried out in the middle of the night.

    but those memories have not done nearly as much damage as the ones of abandonment.. my family would usually withhold love and affection as a form of punishment.

    I never saw it as abuse when it was happening to me, tbh, but when it happens to my little brother and sisters now... I get very angry, and feel very frustrated at how impossible it is to prove verbal abuse, because it's so damaging and they shouldn't have to listen to that. and through that, I've come to recognize that abuse is abuse, whether it happens to a child now or if it happened to me when I was a child. I was no less innocent than they are now.

    I'm really thinking of one incident that happened to me when I was eleven, that I've never been able to let go of or move past. I think partially because I have never been able to really talk about it without resorting to self-harm to get through the emotions that inevitably come up. and partially because, I've never admitted it, but I sort of blame myself for the fall out that my mom and I had that day.

    I went to visit my dad for the summer, and he asked me if I wanted to go live with him. I said no at first, but later on in the summer I broke down crying because I didn't want to go back to my mom's house, and begged to move to my dad's house. I finally admitted that her different boyfriends going through the house, the chaos that was ever present in our home, the too many animals and yelling all the time, was too much and I didn't want to go back if I didn't have to but I didn't want to abandon my younger siblings either.

    so my dad called my mom to let her know that he and my stepmother had decided, I would be returning to her house to stay until Christmas in order to be sure that I wasn't just caving to pressure or something, and if I still wanted to move to live with them after that, that it would be up to me.

    then he explained to me that I had to be careful how I framed my wish to leave my mother's house to her if she asked me why, I had to make sure to say it in a positive way instead of a negative one.

    but I was an 11 year old kid, and when I got dropped off at my mom's house, there was her, my grandfather and my best friend there all demanding to know why I wanted to move to my dad's house. my best friend of the time said she hated me for leaving, my grandfather yelled at me for being selfish and not loving my mom enough... and so I, being a defensive 11 year old, said I didn't want to have to see any more of her boyfriends, and that I was tired of how things were there.

    so my mom said she didn't love me anymore, and that I wasn't welcome back there ever again. she called my dad to turn around and come get me, and made me wait outside by myself.

    my dad drove back from the highway (he lives about 7 hours away from where my mom lives, and had just dropped me off and was on his way back home when she called) and got me, and I cried for the whole 7 hour drive... I basically cried, slept, woke up crying and cried until I slept some more...

    my mom wouldn't answer my phone calls or return my e-mails or anything for all of September, October, November and December... all the way until Christmas. when my older brother (who had been living with my dad since he was 8 and I was 6) and I came back to visit my mom that Christmas, she gave me the cold treatment. it was like I didn't even exist to her. until it was time for me to go back to my dad's, and then she gave me a hug goodbye and went back to not returning phone calls or making any effort at all.

    she's never really made any effort to connect to me as her daughter since then, and I confronted her about it once when I was visiting - and she said, it was my fault because I had rejected her - and I've never been able to trust her (or anyone really) since then.

    I guess I just want to know... was it really my fault? even if just partially? I mean, in my head, I know, I was just a kid... and when she says things like that my little sisters now, I get so mad at her for saying those things and so frustrated, because how do you prove emotional abuse, and if we can't prove it, how do we protect the kids who are important to us from receiving that abuse?...

    and I can't figure out, I've never been able to figure out, what I did that was bad enough to warrant that level of rejection... she used to throw it back in my face, that at 6 when she was crying over my brother leaving, I had promised never to leave her... (even though I had asked then, when my brother left, if I could also move to my dad's and he had said no because I was too young).

    I just kind of realized today... if that actually does count as abuse, the way that she rejected me so completely... maybe it wasn't my fault? maybe I don't need to be forgiven for not being able to have that famous mother/daughter bond with her?
     
    #1 Caoimhe Fayre, Jun 24, 2012
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2012
  2. Ianthe

    Ianthe
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    Re: ...what constitutes abuse? and if it was a abuse, does that mean it wasn't my fau

    That was definitely abusive, and no, it's was not your fault. Your mother was the adult, and it was her job to be the mature one, and to love you unconditionally. She also shouldn't have taken it so personally that you didn't like having all her boyfriends in the house. It's understandable that her feelings were hurt, but it is completely unreasonable that she would hold it against you for so long. You were a child, and she should have forgiven you without you even having to ask.

    And the "yelling all the time" was already abusive--it was not your fault for complaining about the abuse. You had a right, even at 11 years old, to refuse to be treated like that. The problems in your relationship with her are not your fault, to the extent that they exist because you chose not to let her keep abusing you. What does it say about her, that she refuses to love anyone who won't let her keep abusing them?

    You did the right thing when you were 11. You told your mother, who was abusing you, that the way she was treating you wasn't okay, and you left. This is what you should do, any time you are being abused. Even if you love the abuser very much.

    It is definitely not your fault.
     
    #2 Ianthe, Jun 24, 2012
  3. Tetraquark

    Tetraquark Guest

    Re: ...what constitutes abuse? and if it was a abuse, does that mean it wasn't my fau

    (*hug*) First of all, it wasn't your fault. You had every right to voice your discomfort with living in that situation and ask to leave it. Your mother's reaction was very immature and completely out of proportion. That is not the proper way to handle a disagreement with anyone, let alone a child.

    Secondly, while I'm not all that knowledgeable about abuse, that does sound like abuse to me. Emotional abandonment can be extremely harmful, especially to children who are liable to blame themselves (just like you did).

    (ninja'd by Ianthe)
     
    #3 Tetraquark, Jun 24, 2012
  4. Caoimhe Fayre

    Caoimhe Fayre
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    Re: ...what constitutes abuse? and if it was a abuse, does that mean it wasn't my fau

    thanks. it makes me feel better - or more able to let go of my own shame and guilt - to hear other people agree that it wasn't my fault.

    this may sound like a crazy question, but how do I make myself believe that it's not my fault? like, enough to stop hurting over it? or, how do people heal from this? and how do I make sure that I don't continue the cycle? is there a point where I'll get to let it go, and it'll be gone, and won't be so painful for me anymore?
     
    #4 Caoimhe Fayre, Jun 24, 2012
  5. elandra

    elandra
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    Re: ...what constitutes abuse? and if it was a abuse, does that mean it wasn't my fau

    Psychopaths who abuse children,

    Always want to make the child believe lies,

    Even that everything was their fault,

    So that the hold they have over you can last way longer,

    Even a lifetime or more if you refuse to understand where such sick people come from....

    It is all a game to them,

    A play on your ignorance, gullibility and stupidity,

    They want to continue having a mental grip over you,

    Even if they don't want you around or near them,

    It is about stealing your soul and sucking it dry,

    In fact they are those sick people who actually believe "keep your enemies the closest of all"...

    They want to infiltrate your mind and leach unto your very lifeforce acting like psychic vampires getting their feed from the pain they cause you working on your insecurities and need for acceptance...

    The best thing you can do for yourself is to understand that your mother is one sick psycho hag and you wanted none of her abuse in the beginning...

    But you hold the keys to the prison meaning you keep yourself locked up in that vicious cycle and continue to let her ruin your life if you don't sober up and accept that she was never a real mother to begin with,

    That she never really cared about you and never really will.....

    Especially if it is all about power, control and manipulation of a "fragile mind"...

    You need to make that twisted person respect you by telling her exactly what she is...

    But see you already did that and it made her hate you more, only because she hates your guts and BRAINS for someone that young of age at that stage,

    To make her hate you more, and to make her respect you more is to begin to steal back all the energy she stole from you......

    Make a success of your life and that will really kill her,

    She wants you to fail and be a failure because she thinks you will crack under all the pressure her "abuse" which is nothing but schoolyard bullying will put you under....

    She knows she is nothing without her "bullying", she is like an internet troll, she only feels in control when she is breaking someone down, especially children or people wanting to suck up to her...

    Can you imagine how pathetic that really is? Thinking that hate will beget respect and love from other people? Respect needs to be earned.... I am not saying you should hate her back, but respect yourself enough to make a point in life, showing her that no one needs people like that in life...and that the unlovable (those who do not want to be loved or love in return) won't break your soul...go out into the world, and make yourself and someone else happy...learn to find love even though she denied it to you, that will really be the knife in her heart... Her "happiness" depends on your tears, it doesn't have to be that way, stop feeding the psychopaths...pity them, and see just what sorry creatures they really are to overcome them...since those who feed off the pain of others are NOT happy but miserable as hell...don't allow them to fool you to think that it is the other way around and that such people are worthy of your energy, respect and time when they have no self-respect to begin with, fact is they hate themselves more than they make other people hate themselves.

    Furthermore we incarnate on this plane with people who are not really our parents, if that helps!!! She is only there to teach you some soul lesson through her wicked behaviour... To win the game you must be up for playing it back... It is like tennis, hit the ball back and teach that miserable soul a lesson in return, that is of course why we are all here for each other's growth and not ruin per se!!

    ***No adult who plays mind games with a child WITH the accessory ill intent to harm is worthy of respect, especially if the child is NOT capable to understand the power struggle... A child is not a worthy opponent, when you abuse the innocence of someone like that then it is nothing but ABUSE in the worst sense!!!
     
    #5 elandra, Mar 19, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2013
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