Hard time relating to people...

I don't really think I can help, but I can at least let you know you aren't alone. I was going to post a thread about almost the exact same thing. I'm 22 fairly masculine guy (an odd mix of Nerd and Jock to be exact heh) and I know I like guys but, I don't feel "gay" because I don't know any other gay people, aren't attracted to typical gay guys ( I like regular guys) and felt pretty alienated by the S.A.F.E club at my school.

 

Ugh, who is this lunatic who told you there are rules? There are no rules.

Most gay people despise the term "gay lifestyle." Vegetarianism is a lifestyle. Being gay is more like a character trait--it's part of who you are, not how you live.

Please remove the extremely obnoxious term "str8 acting" from your vocabulary. It only reinforces the notion people have that masculinity and straightness in men are the same thing.

There is no "how to be gay." The dude you were talking to doesn't know what he is talking about. Probably, he is still fairly new to the scene himself. Perhaps his only connection to the community is through clubbing. In reality, there are all kinds of gay people in the world.

Are you familiar with bears? They are pretty masculine. (<---understatement) They have social organizations, too. If I were a masculine gay dude, and I wanted to meet others, that is probably the road I would take.

Another thing you can do is look into sports clubs, or whatever, some interest you have that you consider masculine, find social clubs for gay people organized around that activity. Your username appears to be related to automobile racing. You could probably find something to do with that.

Of course, being totally closeted does, as you said, make things more difficult.

 

I think that "gay mold" is a stereotype, one of many. There are probably as many "types" of gay guys as there are str8 ones. My two closest gay friends sound like you, don't want to party in clubs every night, enjoy sports, weekends at the cottage, aren't all "rainbows and unicorns" yet like guys, go figure . Beyond the "butch-o-meter" readings, I think the main issue for you might be simply that you feel quite mature for your age and don't necessarily have the same "priorities" when you choose how to spend your down time. Probably sounds like a curse now, but as time moves on many differences level out.

 

Awesomeyodais is right. When you get older certain things will become less and less important while other things that was previously less important becomes more important. I guess it's part of the growing process.

Thy guys, well yeah there are many femanine type of gays out there, but they are not by far the only type... just the type that are used more and more in the media.

Like me, I'm not famine but I ain't butch either. I don't like the feminine types too much, I tent to like guys that are like straight guys, like me. My hubby is one of those, but he has a slight feminine touch to his personality and giving the right circumstances it can come of very strongly, but if you see him you wouldn't think so (unless you look at his hands and see his jewellery LOL

 

Well, several thoughts. Already my excuses for the for the length of this reply :icon_wink

First and foremost: the award for understatement of the year goes to:

Obviously, I can't speak for everyone. But from personal experience: the closet can be more disruptive to friendships than you could ever imagine from inside it.
Sure, it only feels like you're lying or avoiding about things directly pertaining to sexuality.
But in reality, it's often much worse. Even when you're relaxed, your mind might spend pretty much 50-75% of its time gutting everything that passes your mouth for possible "gay" interpretations. And then either biting your tongue before the offending comment gets spoken, or just inserting little deviations from the truth to make sure you don't come across as gay.

With such a thorough shield up, it's pretty much impossible to relate to anyone.

At least, that's how it worked for me. I hang out with the same people from before I came out. I hung with the for ten years before I stopped pretending being straight. But if you'd ask me when I really felt that they became my friends, I must say that only happened a year or two ago.
In interests and activities, they have a pretty broad spectrum. And yeah, some of them are into entirely different things than I am (in the case of one friend, neither of us can even remember how we managed to ever meet or keep in contact. It just kind of happened :lol.
But that's not always where the relating happens. When something's bothering me, I know I can always rely on them and have them think along with me to find a solution (okay, being straight, they often fail to rasp the nuances, but still: the fact that they try to give honest input helps a lot already). And they do the same with me.
A large part of relating to them is feeling at ease with them, and that's not something I could ever do from behind a closet wall.

I'm not saying here you need to come out immediately and to everybody. Also: even when you're out, it takes some time to build up the feeling of "relating" to some people. But do take into account the walls you may have in place.



On the "gay rules" front: that guy was pretty much being an ass. And possibly just using your uncertainty as a way to feel more knowledgeable and experienced than you.
I have had the same, though. When one of my friends tried introducing me to a couple of gay friends of his, I had much the same disconnect. Those guys were trying every trick in their book to start a relaxed conversation. Alas, for them that meant trying to compare experiences in gay clubs, seeing if we had any ex-boyfriends in common, and what I thought of some (apparently) well-known gay people. It was obvious that for them, this way of breaking the ice was a seasoned routine.
They had some desperation in their eyes when they found out that none of it worked. I didn't even know where the gay clubs were, I had never even held hands with a guy, and you could be the gay mayor of my home city and I'd still not have heard of you.
In fact, they were alienating me faster than they could have ever done had we not brought sexuality up at all. So we ended up chatting awkwardly on other topics, but I breathed a sigh of relief when they were gone.

Now, they were nice about it, but I guess that guy you talked to just had the bad form of getting frustrated over it and shifting the blame to you.

Personally, I ended up just moving away from the "being gay" topic as soon as possible, and talking about job, hobbies, interests etc... first. It's much easier for me to break the ice that way. If we both know the other is gay, we can always get back to that topic later, once we determined we have other things to talk about too.



So, really, the tldr; of it all: I do think you shouldn't change your lifestyle. In fact, a lot of gay people do just that.
But you may want to reconsider your closet. You can keep doing what you like, only with people knowing you're gay. Not having this closet wall can help you in relating to other people.
And when interacting with gay people, don't get disheartened. Like with straight people, some of them are real pieces of work. Maybe try to relate on non-gay topics first, and only then move to gayer topics. When you built a base to work on, any disconnect on the "gay front" is easier to bridge.

 

I know that you are not alone. I'm pretty much in the same boat. I consider myself fairly mature (I'm 22), live on my own and have a job. And although I like aspects of "gay culture," I don't entirely identify with it. I enjoy mostly sterotypically "straight" hobbies.

I've always had social anxiety issues, and I think they have become more ingrained into my personality (unfortunately) and so now I find it difficult to relate to new people.

But if I know one thing, there are no "rules" to being gay (or bi). There is just being you. It sounds so cliche but it's cliche for a reason. I admit I can't know what it's like to be bi (I'm gay through and through), but I do know what it's like to live in a world that doesn't really fit me. I admit it may seem like there are fewer "str8 acting" gay guys in the world, but there are a ton of them. I've noticed that most the time they are too afraid to say anything unless they know it's safe. So I just continue the coming out process, and honestly I'm surprised at the gay guys that come out of the wood-work.

And of course PM anytime.

Nick