Wanting a relationship for the wrong reasons...

If nothing else, take some solace in this: if your longings for a physical and emotional relationship with a man are strong enough for you to start a thread about them, then you'll probably be satisfied in a relationship with a man once you can find one who's right for you.

As for wanting a relationship to "confirm" your sexuality: yes, the most visible manifestation of our sexuality is whom we have relationships with and whom we have sex with, but that's the only side of it that other people can see. You, meanwhile, can observe your entire array of thoughts, feelings, and attractions, so there are more ways for you to confirm your sexuality than just being in a relationship with a guy. If you know that you are sexually attracted to men because you've experienced that attraction, you don't need a relationship to confirm that for yourself.

 

What does your heart say? By what you've written, you kinda already accepted that you are guy, but accepting it is still a long way, you've just barely opened the closet. Coming out of the closet isn't as simple as 1, 2 & 3. (I think there are like 20 steps missing but anyhow).

So you know you're gay, you even told a few friends, you accepted it, but I think you haven't really made peace with it. You haven't really accepted it. I am happy that your wife is supportive of you, that's already a BIG plus.

Give it some time, don't concentrate to much on getting a relationship. Take your time and explore the world with the your new eyes. (not talking about sex). You have to feel happy for yourself again, you have to love yourself again. Sure we all are insecure of our bodies, or various parts of our bodies, but these little imperfections are what make us unique, or we all would look like Brad Pitt and Angelina Joelie, (wouldn't mind though), but then the world would be boring. These little imperfections are in a way part of our personality. By coming out of the closet, it's just another "imperfection" you see in yourself. The day that you see this "imperfection" as "perfection" is the day that I think one can be ready for a relationship.

Being in a relationship with a man or a woman isn't that different, even though it seems like it. If you were happy with your marriage, then you can be happy again with your future relationships. I know it's a big step with cutting off a present relationship with the hopes that there are better more suited relationship. I don't know how long you've lived together, but being single after you were married again is a very lonely feeling at first. Like your life isn't complete or there is something missing, noises that your partner would have made and all of that. I thin this is what scares you the most.

 

What you are feeling is normal.

There are really two separate issues at play here.

First, is the desire to "confirm" your sexuality. Obviously, I think you know that you don't need to be sexually intimate with another guy to know that you are gay. Having sex with another guy isn't what makes you gay. It's the romantic feelings that you experience toward men.

As a gay man, you could have sex with hundreds of women, and a straight man can have sex with hundreds of men. The physical activity of sex isn't proof or confirmation of being gay or straight. As you know from experience, being married to a woman, having sex with a woman can't make you straight.

The "What If" fears are fears that everyone experiences regardless of sexual orientation. A straight guy might feel, "What if I never find a woman who will love me? What if this isn't love? What if..." A gay guy worries about the same stuff, just about guys instead of women.

There is no real "solution" to those fears, aside from talking about them. Talking about them forces you to confront them, and you'll learn that other people have them too.

The "What If" fears for you are manifesting because you're afraid to take a leap. You're growing to accept that you're gay, but you're married. Once you fully accept that you are gay, and are prepared to move forward on that, it's going to involve leaving your marriage. It's going to be an upheaval in your life. That is scary! So, naturally, your mind (as everyone's does) grasps for reasons to not take the risk.

I'm sure if you thought about it long and hard enough, you could come up with a host of other "What If" problems.

But of course, all of those issues need to be confronted by "What If" questions on their own - "What if you stay in this relationship, will you ever be happy?"

That brings us to the second issue. That is the horrible empty longings and the desire to be physically and emotionally intimate with another man.

That's also completely normal and common. I can't tell you how many times I've experienced those same "cravings" - just the desire to be close to another guy. Not even sexual, just to be held, or to feel loved.

It comes from a sense of loneliness and isolation. You obviously don't NEED another man to feel complete and whole.

Something that you might find will help is to make friends. Gay friends. People you can identify with and who share your worldview. People you can share yourself with - that, in many cases, is enough to cure those feelings.

I know what it feels like - it feels like an empty gaping hole in your life. The only way to deal with it is to fill it up. It's a sign of loneliness and isolation, neither of which is good or healthy.

Making gay friends will inevitably introduce you to other gay people, which may in turn introduce you to a man that you will fall in love with... which could then in turn put a lot of those "What If" problems you're dealing with to rest.

 

Well, there's other ways of going out of your gay comfort zone than hopping into the dating world.

Of course it's intimidating to imagine a relationship with a guy if you have to invent every detail wholesale! Your mind has to figure hypotheticals for everything, and in the end, you still end up doubting if what you're imagining is even vaguely realistic.

But... that's not how you started relationships with girls either, I'm suspecting. What tends to happen is that you find someone, you grow closer, and you use their personality as a foundation to imagine a relationship around. Sure, the real relationship ends up being slightly different from what you imagined it would be, but you didn't rush into it from entirely nothing. And I'm imagining that there were also girls where you decided that you couldn't imagine a relationship with them at all, and so never pursued one.


So ideally you might want to do that with guys. Don't go out in search of "a guy to have a relationship with". That's too broad a goal.
But maybe try just finding out what other guys there are out there. Not necessarily with the mission of "must date at least one of them", but just to see what they're like. See if, after getting to know a few, your mind starts wandering into relationship fantasies. More likely than not, you'll find that much less daunting than when you have to invent a guy out of thin air. (okay, not going to lie: it might be still somewhat daunting. But much less so than it is now).

Of course, that's where it takes some effort to find out where the local guys are. I know Wyoming isn't really considered to be the gay mecca (Insert obligatory brokeback mountain joke here :icon_wink), but you might want to do some more research. Are there any gay groups in your general vicinity? do they have activities that you could see yourself participate in, and meeting gay guys in the process? If so, that might be an easier stepping stone out of your comfort zone.

[EDIT] Seems I am in telepathic communication with Aldrick. He said much the same I just said, while I was typing this post up. Then again, maybe great minds think alike

 

Yep. Generally, when we get into that "What If" mode (about anything!) it has a tendency to snowball. The net effect of it is to just paralyze us into taking no action what-so-ever. I've been in that boat so many times, I don't even remember them all. It happens to everyone, though, and like I said I think the best way to deal with it is to talk about it. I've found that if I just write it down sometimes, it actually sounds silly even though it made complete sense in my head.

Meeting other gay people, especially in a rural part of America (hey! I'm in the same boat!) is always an issue. I'm in the same boat you are in right now. I also live in a highly conservative state (Virginia), and in a rural part of the state. If I want to meet other gay people who aren't deeply in the closet, and just looking for anonymous sex, I'm going to have to drive an hour away.

I also remember Matthew Shepard. It had a big impact on me as well. We're both roughly the same age, I'm going to be 30 in July, so I remember the event well. Although, I wasn't located near where it happened, I remember being glued to the news and coverage of it. I identified a lot with what happened, because it was about a gay guy in a rural community. Same as me. I was just a kid back then, but I remember thinking that if people knew that I was also gay, that the same would likely happen to me. I even remember overhearing people talk about it, attempting to excuse the murder by trying to blame it on Matthew.

I guess, in many ways, Matthew Shepard was the first gay guy I ever really saw aside from myself. At least, a guy that I knew for certain was gay. It didn't help that he was dead.

Yeah, it had an impact on me too. It's very hard being gay in a rural area or small town. I know there are other gay guys here too, but most of them are deeply closeted, interested in anonymous sex while pretending to be straight. Growing up, I can't remember a single person in my community that was openly gay. Although, looking back, my gaydar is totally going off for some people.

Currently, my plan is to volunteer for something that increases the chances that I am going to encounter open minded people. I'm currently running a friend deficit in general, so straight or gay, I need friends. Typically, I'm a loner, and when I do make friends it tends to be only a handful at a time. I always feel out of place in large groups of people, especially if most of them are strangers or just casual acquaintances.

There is also a LGBT Center an hour away, I thought about going there for some event, but the only event they seem to hold is Bingo. :lol: I'd feel totally awkward showing up, alone, just to play gay Bingo. Maybe if I was in my sixties or something.

 

Yeah, things are better now-a-days for kids, I think. At least they have the Internet. The Internet didn't really start to become a big thing until we had become adults.

What really got to me was the isolation, the feeling that I was utterly alone. It was a time before gay people were even portrayed in the media, and if they did show up it was always in a negative context.

As pathetic as it sounds, I remember when Ellen came out on her sitcom. I used to tune in every week just to watch, just so I wouldn't be so lonely. The knowledge that there was SOMEONE ELSE, someone that I could actually see and identify with out there. It helped. Of course, after she came out as a lesbian on her show it wasn't long before it was canceled. :eusa_doh:

I also remember a guy from my high school, a guy named Brian. He wasn't out, but a lot of people suspected that he might be gay. We were both pretty much on the bottom of the social totem pole. We had gym class together, and got to become kinda friends.

A regret that I have was not befriending him more than a casual acquaintance. He was a good guy, and I sometimes wonder, looking back, how my life might have been different if we had become really good friends and I had come out to him. Would I have grown to be more comfortable with myself sooner?

I've even made the occasional attempt to hunt him down, just to see how his life turned out. Although, I could never find anything, which is sad. I hope everything in his life turned out well.

My thoughts on your situation? You're over thinking things. I have a tendency to do the same thing, and it makes stuff more complicated than it needs to be. My advice is to contact him. You don't have to tell him anything. If you've been staying in touch somewhat, then it might not be too awkward. If you haven't stayed in touch, then I'd contact the friend you've reconnected with. You can reconnect with him (if he rooms with an openly gay guy - then he obviously has no problem with gays). You can talk to him, and then talk to him about getting in touch with Chris... because, you know... you have questions or something. Like how to get in touch with other gay guys.

If he still lives around there, then you can hook up with Chris, and become friends with him. I wouldn't worry about it going further than that. I mean, two gay guys can be friends without having sex or a relationship after all.

One of the keys to making friends is finding someone with a social network. Befriend them, and then you're in... and you'll be introduced to other people that they know. If he is openly gay then there is a chance that he knows other gay people.

That's what I'd do. For me? I'm going to have to hunt down some random stranger from the Internet most likely, and become friends with them. Because, frankly, I'm not gonna go to gay bingo by myself. :lol: