My past conflicts with my present (might be a bit graphic...)

All of my past makes me out to be gay. Very few crushes on men/boys (and the one i've had were purely emotional), noticing a lack of attraction to men and subsequently trying really hard to make crushes appear out of thin air, making pitiful excuses to myself, noticing and hastily repressing emotions and feelings about girls, and, of course the angry denial when someone said I was gay. My first encounter with porn when I was twelve or thirteen caused me to get tremendously turned on by looking at the women and completely ignoring the men. Suffice it to say, i have experienced a lack of attraction to guys and an attraction to girls. Deep down, i think i've always suspected my love of women was more than just friendship oriented. I should probably add that in my early years of self-sexual exporlation (if you catch my drift :icon_wink) featured either men or hetero sex scenes but in the last few years has morphed into exclusively women. All that i get... it makes sense to me.

It seems simple, right? Ha. Not for me. Because recently I have had "self-exploration" with fantasies featuring men and got turned on and has a pretty intense orgasm (as intense as they had been with women). Just recently, i was trying to do it with women and i couldn't get turned on and i ended up 'doing it' with men. Which sucks, because I really don't want to be attracted to men. And I really dont want my romantic interests to stray from women. Its wierd, but i've grown to really love being attracted to women. Obviously, its not something i have a choice in, but this new-found attraction to men is different than my attraction to women. When i first started questioning, I seem to have and explosion of gay feelings. Everything I had repressed came pouring out and it seemed like I would get turned on as well as had a crush on most girls who walked in a twenty foot radius of me. With guys? Well if I had truly repressed any emotion toward them in the past, i think it would be much the same experience...but its not. I still haven't gone "boy-crazy" like all of my friends. I just have these really intense fantasies that disgust me even as they cause pleasure (ugh okay.. that sounds creepy). My point through this rambling is... my past paints me as a lesbian, but my present seems to point to an attraction to guys as well. I'm just confused on what it all means... if i was bisexual, wouldn't I still have had crushes and such when I was growing up? wouldnt i already have had these urges? But then, i highly doubt a gay woman would have these fantasies....enter confusion. Anyway! Thanks for reading and possibly commenting in advance! What do you all think about this? thanks again

 

Ive heard that sexuality can be fluid but it's not like you can change from gay to straight...in this case, would that mean I was always some degree of bisexual? All I want to know is what orientation I was born with but everything is so confusing..