I'm a work in process - dealing with coming out after a half year

I've posted a few threads about my path to authenticity since the end of October when I joined EC. The highlights:

- I came out to my wife last fall after 35 years of marriage - we had been going to counseling for 3 years after she found out I had been having sex with men for many years of our marriage. I couldn't/wouldn't admit I was gay, even to myself.

- I told my 3 adult children and many family members and friends in January. All responses (except for former in-laws of course) were positive and supportive.

- at the end of February we were divorced and I moved into a condo at the end of March.

Now I need to share what's happened since - sorry for the long post. I just think it's important to share this part of the story, fully realizing everyone's is unique.

At that time time of our divorce and my subsequent move, I thought my ex, my kids, and I had been through the hardest part. I felt great about feeling like I was liberating my wife to become the person she deserved to be, a part of me felt great about entering the life I thought I had been longing for, and I thought my kids understood and had come to accept me as I am.

Currently, I know all these things are part of a long, painful process. Coming out was by far the hardest thing I've ever done and it's also by far the best thing I've ever done as a human being. I believe that someday I'll have a great relationship with someone who is right for me, my wife will get over her anger at my cheating, she'll find a great guy, and we'll be friends, and that my kids will come to accept me as a gay man who never meant to hurt anyone.

Here's the current reality.
Me: I spend a lot of time alone feeling sorry for myself, not knowing how to find a group of gay friends and the potential for a future relationship. I feel like my wife has abandoned me - even though that's completely not true. I feel like my kids don't want to have much to do with me - even though they're trying. I'm planning to go to support group meetings and have an appointment scheduled with my counselor in a couple weeks. As a way to start to meet gay men, I've gone to a couple gay bars lately. I'm trying to learn how to talk to men without seeming like I'm coming on to them. I've also discovered that I wasn't either of the two people I tried to merge over the years in my marriage. Obviously I'm not the straight man I pretended to be - the one who knew how to love, but felt disconnected. I'm also not the promiscuous guy who snuck off to adult bookstores at every opportunity to have dangerous encounters. I knew I wasn't the first guy, but I didn't know I wasn't the second. With the help of EC and other support, I'm thrilled that I'm not the other guy either. I want to find out who I am, which is scary. The ideal me will be able to love like guy number one did, and enjoy the sex of guy number two - but just with one guy.

My Ex: She's trying to learn how to be on her own, emotionally support the kids, and be there for me when I hit rock bottom. She's bitter about all my years of promiscuity. She can't understand what I firmly believe - that I was a sex addict who was capable of loving her too. Last night she said she couldn't understand how someone who claimed to love her could do that for so many years. My only answer to that is, "I don't know either." I've felt bad about sometimes putting her in the position of having to help me through my transition when she's going through her own. Last night I made the mistake of insinuating that she would be happy when she didn't have to deal with me anymore. I've never heard her scream at me and call me a self-centered egotistical $%#!ing asshole before, even at the worst of times. That put me into uncontrolable sobbing (which I've done a lot of lately). She eventually came over and we had a very good discussion - one that I think will be healing. She said she knows I'm not what she called me. She told me she needs to feel a separation from me emotionally in order to move on. As painful as that will be, I will do it for her.

My children: One of my daughters is 32 and lives 4 hours from me. She has never dealt well with conflict and is very angry right now about the risk at which I put the entire family for so many years - very justifiable and indefensible. She was home this weekend and we spent a very nice three hours together, but it was all superficial talk because my granddaughter was with us. I was hoping to have a couple hours alone with her yesterday. I ended up feeling very down because she only wanted to spend 3 hours out of a 3-day weekend in the area. Yesterday, I tried to set up a time to meet. I did it clumsily and eventually received a text saying she was meeting with the rest of the family at a local restaurant and I was welcome to join them. I took it as her feeling like she had to invite me to another planned event for the family that I wasn't initially invited to and replied with a message saying, "That's OK. I didn't know you had plans. Have fun!" She took it as me being passive aggresive - which I wasn't (I don't think). My ex called and explained that it had not been planned, my son had contacted her about the same time I had and it had just been arranged. I told her I would be happy to come, which I did. We had a nice time - the entire family. When my daughter left for home, I apologized and she said she was still very angry with me. I wish we could have dealt with it for more than 20 seconds. I need to call her and try to convince her I wasn't being passive agressive and try to get her to open up.

As for the other two children, (30 and 27) they live in the same community as my ex and me. I'm better able to try to have positive relationships with them. I also need to ask them how they're currently dealing with everything without making them feel sorry for me - or making them think I'm trying to make them feel sorry for me. I need to focus on them, but don't want to reopen old wounds by bringing everything up. I still tread very lightly around them. I also struggle with seeming too upbeat around them, because that might make them think I've moved on completely already and have no remorse.

My ex told me they've all thought I've seemed down enough to hurt myself - something I would never do. I am on antidepressents, but even without them, I wouldn't harm myself.

I'm struggling to move on. It's ironic, but if I went to bed with a guy I met at one of the bars right now, I'd feel like I was cheating on everyone more than I did when I was actually doing it. And most of all, I'd feel like I was cheating on myself! I am becoming a much better man, but I need to give myself permission to move forward in all phases of my life.

So there it is. I appreciate everyone who spent the time to read this to the end - especially all the guys here who are coming out later in life and in particular the married ones. I give a lot of advice in other threads - encouraging authenticity and allowing everyone to live in the light of the truth. But I want to show the ongoing struggle that comes with it. Like I said at the beginning, I know everyone's path is different - some better, and some much, much worse.

Not feeling alone on the path via EC support makes it easier to bear. I will never regret coming out. Never.



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Maxx, thanks for all you wrote! You were foremost my thoughts as I wrote this thread. I was afraid I would scare you (and others) away from coming out, but I wanted you (and everyone) to see what the subsequent turmoil may be like.

Thanks, too, KneeDragger, you give me hope, courage, and a light in the distance! :icon_bigg

Lewnatic, I appreciate your good intentions, but you missed the major point of the thread. As the title of my post says, "I'm a work in progress." My goal was to share where I am currently on the journey.

I am the only person on earth who can even potentially understand why I did what I did, and as I stated, "I don't know." I posted this in the Support and Advice forum because I know it's more widely read than Coming Out Stories. I struggled with the best forum. I wasn't looking for either support or advice really, just a place to share - although I deeply appreciate support and advice, but please not judgement. I have enough judges right now, but I can add you to the list. You don't list your age, but you sound young. If that's true, I applaud you for being out at a young age. I've had years and years of being closeted, where things got convoluted and out of control. I'm happy you'll never have to walk a mile in my shoes.

As far as not really being a sex addict. I can only say how I felt - completely out of control of my ability to resist the urge to have sex with men, finding myself going to the bookstore time after time, knowing I wasn't really enjoying it, terrified of its potential ramifications, but feeling powerless to control it. If I'm not a sex addict just because I wasn't looking for women too, then maybe that's not what I am - which is good to know. I won't feel like I'll fall back into that lifestyle when I once again unleash the genie down the road! The bookstore offered nearly instant male-on-male sex 24/7 with no women anywhere in sight. And if women had been there, I still would have chosen men because I'm gay.

I'm sorry, but this sentence doesn't even make any sense. You're saying I can't make them feel sorry for me because I'm making them feel sorry for me. ?? Are you saying something about me feeling sorry for myself? If so, I completely agree.

I need to go back to "a work in progress." I know I need to stop doing this, and I know I will eventually, but I'm sure you didn't feel like you could just stop when you were going through your "months of being depressive, awkward and fake ..." I'm in those months now and I'll get out of them just as you did - one day at a time. My thread is just about current feelings and is probably similar to what you would have written at that time in your life.

I agree and I tried to emphasize that I'm trying. My goal is to meet a nice guy, get to know him as a human being, and move that to the next level if it's right. As I said in another post, this time I need to start with the head on his shoulders and get to the other one when it's time instead of the other way around. If that takes 1, 5, or 10 men -fine, but I don't be doing them all at once. As I said, I'm a better man. And yes, I'm keen on sex. I missed out on 35 years of complete emotional and physical fullfillment. But sex no longer goal number 1!

I hope I didn't come off to harsh. I really appreciate your input - it made me think even more deeply. Best of luck on your own journey! (*hug*)

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Let's everyone who's posted to this thread just have a big hug!! (&&&)(&&&)(&&&)(&&&)

Maxx and KneeDragger, you're my homies! Hey, I never thought of that as a gay term before. (!) I like it!

Maxx, I think your idea about joining a gym is a good one. I'll have to look into it. I'll visit during their busiest time and ask for part of the tour to include the locker rooms and showers! (I hope nobody here stones me for that one - I'm joking!)

See, I'm not sad all the time!

Also, Maxx, I got so tied up in defending my original post that I neglected to answer your questions. What makes me glad and most proud of coming out is that the weight is lifted, I'm not causing additional pain to my loved ones, and I can be just one human being instead of a fractured, tormented soul.

NomadicDave, I just read your post before I submitted this. You totally got my intent. My heart aches for where you are at this point on your path. We all need eachother. One day you'll say just the right thing to me too.

Love you guys!

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