I've found out, recently, that my biggest issue is learning to love myself. I doubt myself so much, and I put others' needs ahead of my own constantly. I don't share my opinions or feelings because I'm afraid of making someone upset or dislike me. The only reason I act on certain things is because I expect a certain reaction from someone, not because I want to necessarily act on it in the first place. I have virtually no confidence in myself, and I put myself down too often. Yet people around me believe in me; believe I can do things if I tried. They love and support me... and I'm trying to figure out why. Telling my BF this, he said, "You don't have to understand; just know that they do and accept it." And yet... I never like to put myself highly. I know what it's been like to see people who think too highly of themselves, and it's annoyed me to no end. I've always looked to other people for recognition... like being approved by them increases my self-worth... But I'm not sure how self-worth is even measured. I'm scared, honestly... I don't know what to do. I know I can't please everyone - it's impossible. But in a small way, I still try to... I just want to love myself for who I am, and stop doubting so much... Is that too much to ask? Right now... I feel like I'm about to break... Please... how can I learn to love myself and stop doubting my actions?
A little bit at a time. That's what worked for me. You have to come to terms with your own body, that's the first step. All those insecurities you have (like buckle legs, skew face, not the right eye colour or even your general body built). Once you love your body the way it is, it's time to go to the next step. Your personality, who you are. The first step is the hardest, but it makes the second step allot easier. Once you are happy with who you are, then you have more confidence, you'd be ready for the third step. And that's realizing that helping people and putting others in front of you is your personality trait. I have the same problem, I would like to work on it, but don't really want to change that either, I love helping people, it's just who I am, but I have learned to put myself first once in a while.
Unfortunately, I'm pretty much in the exact same situation as you, and need some advice myself on how to stop the self-doubt and learn to value myself without feeling that I'm being arrogant. I know the feeling all too well of thinking that showing self-confidence equates to bragging or thinking of oneself too highly, but there is a difference between self-confidence and brashness or pretentiousness. Building your self-worth is not a bad thing, and could even result in people respecting you even more, because (in my experience, at least) others like people who have positive self-esteem and see the value in what they do. The people around you believe in and support you because they know that you are a good person who has enormous potential. Undoubtedly, they are going to be hurt if they find out that you don't see the value in yourself that they have seen. I think a good place to begin is to put faith in their beliefs about you.
I know it sounds corny, but I think you should write down something you love about yourself everyday. If you can't think of something one day...go out and do something that you like when other people do. Even by trying to do good things and love yourself, you'll have a reason to love yourself! Because you'll be persistant and caring and determined and those are already great qualities!
Yeah... my body is a... mixed bag for me, honestly. It's mostly because I hear people commenting on how great other peoples' body looks that I kinda feel down and out about it. I know I can change it if I REALLY want to, but if you look at the actual reasons for doing so... it would probably be for the wrong ones. If I were to change my body for someone else or for recognition... that's not gonna really help. I have to become comfortable with myself, no matter what shape I take. My personality... is a bit more tricky. Because I'm not even sure WHO I am. I feel like I have so many different personalities sometimes. I act differently around different people... like, real different. In fact, lately, I've been shutting out from showing who I am altogether. Like... I just don't wanna put in the effort anymore. The only people I show myself to are the ones closest to me, basically. I'unno... I just really don't know myself. :/ Part of it, actually, is because I believe I have some internal homophobia to deal with. MAJOR, too... When I initially started coming out, it felt pretty good, but as time's gone on and I found a BF... I find myself doubting things, and being afraid of acting 'feminine' or being labeled as gay. I find myself doubting the way I act, if it's because of who I am, or if I'm afraid of showing who I am, or I'm afraid of how people might label/look at me... Like, when I talk to this openly gay guy at the convenience store sometimes, I feel EXTREMELY guarded. I'm still friendly, but... I feel really guarded from showing who I am. :/ I want to be gay, but I don't want to be labeled as such... Does that even make any sense? I'unno.... I guess... But I'm also afraid of having people believe in me, but end up letting them down if I try to take action. *sigh* .. It's confusing. Hmmm... That sounds... like a good plan, actually. I just need to realize what I like when someone does something. .w.
You should love yourself for who you are. You don't need too, and should have to please everybody. You need to take care of yourself and be happy with yourself first. Everything else will fall into place.
Inability to love oneself is rooted in shame. Shame, in turn, is a fear of lack of belonging; of not being enough (good enough, smart enough, cute enough) to belong. So to insulate ourselves against the shame and the fear that is intrinsic to it, we numb. We set our expectations low, we protect ourselves, we do our best to make ourselves invulnerable. So the process of unwinding that is multifaceted. First, the antidote to shame is talking about it. This is also the antidote to numbing and invulnerability. When we allow ourselves to be seen as we are and put ourselves out there, then we start to feel connection that we cannot feel when we are numb or invulnerable. And with that connection comes... the sense of belonging. And with that comes... the sense of self confidence. Doing things like saying positive sayings or setting intentions can help a little. But it won't solve the problem. Only opening up and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, to be seen, and to be as we are, and to let that be, instead of trying to "fit in" and be someone we're not will do that. Needless to say, being in the closet is certainly part of shame, and stands in the way of "being as we are and letting our selves be seen for who we are." So in the long term that has to be a piece of the puzzle. But it can wait while other work is done. I strongly recommend checking out Brené Brown's three Ted Talks (Houston, Kansas City, TED- LA) and her book "The Gifts of Imperfection." She is a university researcher whose work in this field is life changing. I think you'll find her work to be right up your alley in terms of getting you started in the right direction.
Shame... that does sound like what I've been doing ever since I came to the valley; just numbed myself, kinda. The problem is, now I can't tell WHO I am or WHAT my feelings are. Even makes me question my sexuality, because I've never really left myself vulnerable before, except to one guy, and he's my BF now. .....I really should check out this book. Even though I feel this way, I can't tell why I feel this 'shame'. Gaaah... I hadn't realized that by doing what I have... it would just cause long term pain. .__. Now is the time I kinda wish I could've done high school over, but there's no dwelling on that. Now I have to fix this; now I have to find out who I am and be comfortable with it. And... this book just might be the best start for me. Thank you, Chip. I'll give the book a try; see what happens from there. Do I have to order it or is there an e-book version?
