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Confused as HELL!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by khamomile, Jun 26, 2012.

  1. khamomile

    Regular Member

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    So confused, need advice!

    I'm a girl and I'm 16. I live in the north shore. I have three older brothers. In the last year my mom had a breakdown and went to rehab when my dad and her started getting divorced. Things are more stable now and I really want to start exploring my sexuality.

    When I was little I used to always be the boy when we played house or those kinds of games. I would pretend to be my friends boyfriends, etc. I was a total tomboy and wanted to be just like my brothers. I don't want to be a man, but I like the idea of being able to like a girl and not being a lesbian, too, because it just seems so much easier. I know I have some issues with how my brothers treated me when I grew up, and I have a need to feel accepted and included. My brothers and I now have an incredible relationship, but I'm still a self-conscious person. I've always sort of wanted to be with girls. I used to have dreams where I was a boy and was with a girl. When I got into middle school I started dating boys all the time. I would switch boyfriends from week to week. I wasn't doing anything sexual, and barely kissed any of the guys, but I felt connected to some of them. Around 8th grade, I started to take relationships more seriously. I stopped dating just to have a boyfriend and even think I fell in love with my friend Jake. I've had crushes on boys and know if they are hot, but I can't figure out if I'm attracted to them, or I'm just vulnerable around attractive people- especially guys. I'm open with my friends and family about being confused. My friends F and C, who are both girls, were the first of my friends to experiment. I started being open about my sexuality Sophomore year. Freshman year, I hid a crush I had on a few girls. When I went out of the country recently, I hooked up with a boy. I'm sort of a prude, so it was my first time doing anything more than kissing. We went kind of far, and I enjoyed it, but I still really like the idea of being with girls, more than guys. Every time I see an attractive girl, all I want is to kiss her and hold her. I sometimes think I want to hook up with guys when I feel sort of..horny. But, mostly I'd rather be with girls. Girls are usually my first choice. I can't tell if I'm gay though. I'm so confused. Sometimes, I feel I could give up guys forever- which I never feel with girls- but then I don't know! My guys friend, who is extremely attractive and who I used to have a crush on, was joking that I was a lesbian and I kept denying it. It was like because he was attractive, I felt I couldn't be gay. I wasn't sure if it was because I had attraction to him or because I was vulnerable because I know he's good looking. I'm sure that because I know acceptance might be an issue, and I've had issues feeling included for my whole life, I'm scared sub-consciously to just be gay. I'm not sure. I watch movies and shows with attractive girls being lesbian and having cute relationships (The L word, Imagine Me and You, Water Lillies, Loving Annabelle, Lost and Delirious, etc.) and feel that I want a girl more than ever. But, then my friends try to set me up with guys and I'm all for it because I want a relationship and I sort of think I might be attracted to guys. It's so goddamn confusing. My whole life, I've felt a connection to older woman more than anything. I always bond with older woman, and on tv and movies, find them so appealing. I'm not sure if it's filling a void that my mom left, or because I like woman and find support in maturity. It's a weird feeling. Once in a while, I meet an attractive guy who's sweet and I feel we connect. That connection makes him more attractive, but I'm not sure if that's just my heart and not my body.

    When i stayed at my best friend's cousins' house (her cousins are lesbians), they helped me come out to her and even said they thought I was gay from the moment I met them. I felt so connected to one of them and was attracted to the emotional connectedness we had. I like the emotional connection with attractive woman more than with guys. But I don't know if it's all emotional, because I enjoyed the things I've done with boys. I haven't done enough with girls to know if I'd enjoy it,but I find girls together very attractive.

    I'm so confused. Any advice will help. Thanks
     
    #1 khamomile, Jun 26, 2012
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2012
  2. pancake111

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    I think you need to date girls to really have a good view of both sides. You could be bisexual or gay. Don't feel pressured to come to a definite decision. Expirament with both sides and see how you feel. I think sexuality is something that becomes more clear over time. You don't need to choose a side.
     
  3. LailaForbidden

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    Ah, so we are in the same boat. The situation with your brothers sounds a lot like me.. as the youngest, i always felt pressure to fit in and i'm inclined to think that thats one of the reasons I care so much about what people think. Anyway, other than the dating thing (i've only really dated on guy..for two weeks) we are alot alike. Like you, I find a relationship with women more intimate than men. From your post, you seem like you might by bisexual, but with a preference toward women. But i wouldn't make a conrete descision until you have more time to experience different things. If you need to talk about it more in depth or have any questions, just message me :slight_smile: Oh, one last piece of advice, don't overthink it. I know its hard not too, but it really can do some damage and it won't help any. Good luck! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  4. Dolphinkid

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    Welp it sounds like your bi, with a prefferance for girls, just having trouble coming to terms with it. But no matter what you are, feel free to JUST BE YOU!
     
  5. Riot2301

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    You aren't alone...I have the same confusion happening. If you feel attraction for a girl, try dating her if she feels the same. It'll give you a better grasp on your feelings.