I like my friend...

There's this guy who's been a really good friend of mine since more than a year. Up until a few months ago I was very close with him and his girlfriend together. We saw each other close to daily, along with the girlfriend, and rarely met up with just the two of us. It's funny cause just a week after we finally did, the two broke up. He was really down and as one of his few friends, I tried to be there for him as much as I could.

Up until here, my intention was to be his friend and nothing more. I didn't really have any feelings for him. Yet.

We started seeing each other daily. I say daily because we see each other 9 out of 10 days. It's crazy. When we meet up it's mostly just us and no one else. I soon started to have feelings for him. But I wasn't sure what to do with those feelings. Whenever I get feelings for a straight guy friend I keep my distance for a while and it'll fade away (note - I'm closeted). But this is different. I can really picture us two together and this is the first time I'm experiencing that for a guy... I can't just let go.

He talks to me about girls he likes and whatnot, and I did that too because at first we were just friends.. but whereas I've lessened talking about girls (and started being less interested in people in general because of him), he still does it. And it just hurts..
You'd think he's straight, but look at it this way: he thinks I am straight (I've dated girls), I talk (or used to talk) to him about girls - so he could just be in the very same situation I am in... right?

Apart from the fact that we see each other almost every day which is insane if you think about it, I generally sleep at his place every friday. When I do, we sleep in the same bed. Again, as friends. It has happened multiple times and a few people know about it, whenever someone makes jokes about us being gay, we just laugh it off. But then he gives me this look... it makes my heart melt. Nothing has happened during these nights.

He sometimes jokingly pats my shoulder etc. Sometimes when we happen to touch he mostly does not move away - or at least not immediately. And the look he gives me sometimes... we sometimes have pretty long eye contact. I noticed he seems to mention homosexuality more often lately, or just people that are gay, and then he'll quickly add 'not that I mind homosexuality' or something along those lines. He takes me out quite often (as friends?) and he pays for me alot but he says he doesn't mind and he just appreciates how I've been there for him. Whenever we meet up with other people he always wants to have a bit of time just with the two of us afterwards, a few days ago that did not happen and afterwards he texted me saying he thought that was a shame. When alcohol is involved, he hugs me, puts his arm around me, tells me he loves me (though in a joking way) etc etc etc

I'm trying to keep a bit of distance right now as I'm really close to telling him but I'm not sure if I should. The thing is... We're going on a holiday with just the two of us in less than 2 months, which is making it twice as hard. I want him to know how I feel cause this is killing me, but I do not want to risk this friendship because he's the best friend I've ever had... ugh

As I'm writing this, he's flirting like mad with one of his female colleagues on facebook... And he's asking me about advice.. this sucks This kind of shattered all of my hope, lol. Though I've done the same a few weeks ago...

Why did I let it come to this... Any advice would be appreciated.

 

It may seem childish but I've seemed to move on already. I've just seen him again and we talked about girls etc and it felt great to see him as just a friend. I tried to edit or delete my post but that doesn't seem possible.

Posting my story on here has really helped getting it off my chest. I guess that's all I really needed!