I guess I'm more socially awkward than I thought; I seem to come here with a lot of these xD I've been catching up with a friend on Facebook since we won't see each other over the summer... she's one of the girls I talk with most about being gay and guy stuff/girl talk. As such, a lot of our messages back and forth usually have some component of coming out and things. She mentioned she has a friend back home who recently came out to her as the first of his friends, but told his family first. So I jokingly responded saying "you should get him to teach me how to come out to my fam, lol". Apparently she took this seriously (I guess I was kinda serious, but mostly joking) and messaged back asking if she could pass along my name to him, to which I agreed. She felt it probably wouldn't be a bad idea for us to each have someone who's gone through stuff the other is going through now. Anyway, she messaged back last time giving me his name. I don't know if that means I'm supposed to message him first or not (I'm gonna ask), but now I'm unsure of what I'm supposed to say. I mean, something like "Hey, it seems we're both ___'s friend and gay, what a coincidence!". Do I take it more casual and lighthearted, or go right to the "what problems are we dealing with" part? I also don't want to come off like I'm hitting on him or anything... EDIT: Would it seem appropriate to suggest EC as a resource, if the topic turns to that? Again, I don't want to push anything.
My first impression is that you're overthinking this, but then again, I'd certainly do the same thing in your situation. Before you message him, ask yourself, do you actually want to talk to him and get advice about coming out to your family? Because there's absolutely no pressure for you to do that if you really were mostly joking. You can just message back you friend saying, "I was just joking." If you do want to contact this guy for advice, in choosing your tone, consider how you want him to respond. If you want him to take the conversation seriously, send him a message that leans to the serious side. If you want it to be lighthearted, send him a message that leans that way. And if you want to avoid coming off as flirtatious, just keep your message to what you're messaging him for. Say something like, "Hey, [your friend] told me that you recently came out to your family. I've been trying to do the same thing myself. Got any advice?" Nothing flirtatious about that.
hmmm, I'm still in the closet most definitely, and I don't have any gay friends or know anyone who came out of the closet. Wish I did. I think it'd be a good idea to talk to him. so you could talk to another guy that you can relate your sexuality with. again, just sayin if it were me.
Oh, I'm definitely overthinking it, it's what I do best I was joking, but I'm still up for it. I think it was more that I never considered the possibility, which is why I wouldn't have offered in the first place... but now that it's placed in front of me, I see nothing wrong with it. In fact, I'm a little excited; I wouldn't mind having a gay guy to talk to (no offense to you guys, but he's slightly more IRL than you all). And I may just steal that word for word... I think it sums up nicely what I'm thinking while still being casual (though not as cookie-cutter as I wrote it in the OP). So thanks!
You could tell your (girl)friend that you were just kidding originally, but that you really are interested in contacting the guy. And you could ask her how exactly you should start the conversation; after all, she knows the guy better than you or any of us do! And I'd be over thinking it, too. It's kind of a bad habit that I need to work on (but still better than under-thinking things!).
If you feel uncomfortable contacting this guy, there's plenty of people on EC who have done exactly that, including me. I asked, what seemed like a million people, how I should come out. Unfortunately, there's no guidebook, or step by step instructions. If you would like to talk about how you should come out to me, feel free to post a message on my wall, and I will try to help you through it. Sepphhyy
I have a nice anecdote of what NOT to do When I came out to my neighbour, she mentioned she had a friend back in her original hometown who was also pretty newly out. In fact, she even went right on facebook, and suggested he add me. He promptly did. And I promptly accepted. Then... nothing much happened. I guess I was supposed to start the conversation, but I never really found a good starter, and so just never contacted him. It was easy to keep putting it off for the first few days. Then it started feeling slightly awkward. And then... it just had taken too long and I couldn't find any plausible excuse whatsoever to contact him at all anymore. Not after more than a year had passed. Three years afterwards... he still remains on my facebook friends list as an enigma too awkward to ever contact. He pops up in my facebook feed and I see he got married recently, so maybe I SHOULD have asked him for pointers So yeah. If you do contact him, please do what Owen suggests, and not what I did
Seems as though I'm supposed to message him, so I will do what Owen said. And thanks for the anecdote Filip
Well... apparently I can't send him a message, nor can I tag on a message with a friend request, so I awkwardly sent him a request and asked my friend to relay my inability to communicate with him to him. Hopefully this doesn't backfire x_x
Seems I'm getting in the habit of triple-posting rather than starting new threads... I wonder which is worse :rolle: Anyway, he messaged me back with the length of a motherf'ing essay. I think I'd call that a success. So thanks again guys.
Awesome! I like your friend. It's definitely good for you to have some other gay people to support you. If she is the first person outside the family he told, does that mean you are the first other gay person he's really had to talk to about it all? That would be the reason for the SUPER LONG message.
^ heh, I like my friend too! And yeah, I assume I'm the first gay person he's talked to. He mentioned how he told his family so far, and that's it. Maybe I'll bring it up at a later point.
