1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Stay or go?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by laterinlife, Jun 26, 2012.

  1. laterinlife

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2012
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I'm a 55 year old lesbian. As a child I knew I was gay, but followed the role expected of me. In my 20's I had two experiences with women, but they were straight, just experimenting. I wanted children and was sure I'd go to hell if I pursued my orientation. So I married two times, hated sex and am now embracing my identity. The problem is...I am torn between two worlds. My family, house, kids, husband, etc. and my true self that will bust that world apart. My counselor insists I stay in my marriage for four more years, until my teenager finishes high school and I finish my masters. She claims I've existed this long in the marriage that I should try to walk in my husband's shoes and become his friend. If I can handle, it give him sex a couple times a month (which is happens maybe every three years if I can avoid screaming!). When I married my husband I told him I was bi-sexual and have told him now that I am not attracted to men, but honor our marriage. A year ago I realized that I can't deny my sexuality to myself any longer and the lingering depression I've experienced for 20 years has lifted considerably, now I am riddled with anxiety, like being trapped. Is there anyone out there who has had children and opted to stay in the marriage for the sake of the kids...and if so, what were the results?
     
  2. Ianthe

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2011
    Messages:
    2,760
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Oregon
    1.) Fire your counselor. I'm totally serious. This person is not giving you good advice. All therapists are not equally good. Counselors should counsel, rather than insisting on anything, for one thing. She isn't a faith-based counselor, by any chance, is she?

    2.) What sort of crazy person wants to have sex with someone who finds the experience unpleasant? You should not stay with someone who doesn't care how much you dislike having sex with him, and wants to keep doing it anyway. (For me, the very idea of having sex with a partner who doesn't want to is repulsive.)

    3.) Why does your husband want to continue a marriage in which neither of you is satisfied? You and he would both be happier in new relationships.

    4.) Children are hurt when there is strife between their parents after a divorce--if the parents still get along and the family can still get together for holidays and things without excessive awkwardness, it isn't nearly as bad.

    5.) My parents had a messy divorce right about when it was time for me to go away to school. For me, this meant that I had to go through most the emotional difficulties I had around their divorce alone, in a new place with no established support system. I did not feel like socializing, and did not make many friends in college, and I felt like my life had completely dissolved. I wish they had chosen **any** other time. Seriously.

    ---------- Post added 26th Jun 2012 at 11:40 PM ----------

    Oh, and Welcome to Empty Closets! There are some other older members here. I'm sure they will be along soon.
     
  3. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey welcome to EC, I also agree that your counselor is not giving you the best advice.

    As well as all of the things listed above I would like to add that children are very sensitive to the emotions and atmosphere around them and so however much you and your husband try your best to prevent it the children will know that something is up, as they get older they will make their own conclusions and find their own ways of coping with it. Obviously their parents separating will have an effect on them too but I agree with Ianthe if it is done in the right way and their parents are friendly afterwards I see no reason why it cant work and then possibly in time you will both meet new partners and everyone will be better off because of it.

    I am sure Jim will comment on this thread but he has been married with children and then separated and now is happily in a relationship with a man so I am sure he can give you some awesome advice too.

    I know you said your therapist wants you to stay with your husband, but what does your husband think?
     
  4. Carm

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2012
    Messages:
    80
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Hi there. I'm in very much the same position. I came out to my husband as gay 6 yrs ago. Our divorce was really really messy and I was sort of bullied and manipulated into staying. So I stayed. we now have four kids. The youngest is 3. I thought for a while that I could handle this and stay in my marriage but the way I cope with sex is just soooo unhealthy. So I'm trying to figure out how to come out again as unwilling to have sex. I know I'm not a happy camper and I take a lot of that out on the kids. And the kids feel our tension and don't know what it's about. As a child of parents who have had a horrible and tumultuous relationship, I resented being stayed for. I begged my mom to leave because everyone was so unhappy. Just this summer she was telling me I had to suck it up and subject myself to demeaning behavior from my dad, and when I told her that I would simply not visit, she told me that she had put up with it for 36 years for the sake of the family, so I should too. I can't tell you the sort of rage that I felt being her excuse for having no courage to reach out for her own happiness. Even as a child I knew she was "staying for us" and I resented that she would give us that sort of responsibility in determining both the course of her life and her own fulfillment and happiness. Kids happiness is linked to their parents', bottom line.

    Also, I cannot believe your counselor is "insisting" you stay. That is nuts. A counselor is there to help you sort through your thoughts and be proactive, not push their own agenda. I'm really shocked she is doing that, but it sounds like she is faith-based and therefore has some other ideas (maybe corrective sex?), especially if she is telling you to have sex 20 times more often than you already do.

    Our orientation is not just sexual. It is emotional, psychological, spiritual... It is at the base of our personalities and effects everything we do. It's not something we can change or control. Sometimes we just have to draw the line and say enough is enough.

    You can feel free to send me a personal message if you like or want someone to talk to.

    Be encouraged! You're not alone.
    Carm
     
  5. Sayu

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2012
    Messages:
    511
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Europe
    I am too young to give you an advice, but I can say you this:
    My parents divorced when I was 11. Yes, it has influenced me severely and also in bad ways (some psychical stuff) but I am still very happy that they divorced. And do you know why? Because with my brother we both knew our parents' relationship was really really bad and we have literally wished for that divorce. For so long the atmosphere in our house was really strained and horrible and the divorce was just a great relief.
     
  6. BBird75

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 24, 2012
    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Hi!
    I've just joined EC and have never posted before. Your story is exactly what I was looking for to confirm that there are other people in similar situations to me. It's a massive relief, so thanks!!

    I'm 37, married for 14 years, and have an 18yr old son and 13yr old daughter. When I met my husband I was out as bisexual, but that was a form of denial for me. I'm a lesbian. I had one beautiful relationship with a woman, who remains a close friend to this day, when I was in my early 20s. However our situations were very different - I already had my son (born when I was 18), and she had her whole life ahead of her. Despite the fact that we (or I at least) were truly in love, it was the wrong time to settle down together. we told ourselves our time would come, and I clung to that dream for the next 10 or 12 years, before finally reaching the conclusion that it was unhealthy for me to do so, and starting the process of moving on.

    In the meantime I had married my husband, which, looking back, was more of a survival tactic than anything else. I've tried to do the right thing by him, by my son, and subsequently by my daughter as well. I engaged enthusiastically in sex with him while trying to conceive, but since then (ie the last 13 years or so) have struggled to cope with any sex with my husband. We've reached a fairly stable once-a-month or so arrangement, and we just don't talk about it! I have no cousellor, but the 'advice' I've given myself, and acted on, seems similar to your counsellor's advice. I wouldn't pay for it, but I can see the sense in it. This situation is SO much more complicated than, say, Ianthe
    seems to acknowledge. (Sorry Ianthe, but it really is!)

    I've known for a long time that I'm denying my identity to "do the right thing" for my kids, and have buried myself endlessly in my work to create distance between myself and my husband, and stop me from needing to think about the situation. I strongly identify with your feeling of being:

    "torn between two worlds. My family, house, kids, husband, etc. and my true self that will bust that world apart."



    :icon_sad: Somewhat confused!
     
    #6 BBird75, Jul 24, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 20, 2012
  7. Bobbgooduk

    Bobbgooduk Guest

    Joined:
    Jul 19, 2012
    Messages:
    608
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    To be honest, I have mixed feelings. My mother left home for another man when I was 10 and I stayed with my Dad and (much) older brother and sister. I didn't enjoy the situation and I think that I lost my self-confidence and my self-esteem took a hammering.

    However, I agree that kids are very sensitive, and being in a charged atmosphere is not good either. It can be done well - but you will have to be very responsible as parents to make sure that, when they're around, the divorce is sweetness and light - no name-calling, I'll see you in court, you bastard, sort of stuff. It's you that wants to separate, not your children, so try not to make their loving their father feel like a betrayal of you or taking sides. No arguing over visits and holidays away - they're his kids too.

    I was 40 when I decided to end my second marriage. We had no children so the decision for me was a lot easier.

    I think you already know what you want to do. Your counsellor may think it's a good idea for you to "finish things off" before you embark on a new phase in your life - get your degree, finish the "raising the children" etc. Or maybe he/she thinks your heart is not really in it and that you'd be throwing the baby out with the bathwater, I don't know what you've discussed.

    But: If you're sure it's what you want, if you're sure that you and your husband can do it amicably, I'd say that you owe it to yourself and him to move on. Putting off the inevitable doesn't really change the course of events, it just slows them down.

    Good luck and be happy! (*hug*)
     
  8. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You've gotten a lot of good input here. Here are a couple of points I have to offer:

    --First, I agree with Ianthe that your counselor is not doing you a service. If I were to guess, I'd wonder if she has some countertransference issues (i.e., your situation is connecting to something in her past, like her mother leaving, that's upsetting to her.) Otherwise, a competent counselor would never strongarm a client into doing anything.

    A good counselor/therapist will generally not give you any direct advice on making that sort of decision unless you're literally pulling teeth to get it. It sounds like this isn't what you want to do, you've made that clear, and she's still pushing her agenda. That's really, really bad, and a sign of a really terrible therapist, so I agree with Ianthe that I think it's worth having an appointment with another therapist, if nothing else, as a sanity check. And make sure the new therapist is competent and skilled in LGBT issues before seeing him/her.

    -- If you do decide to leave the relationship, the kids will survive. Kids are pretty intuitive, and as another poster said, they likely already know something's not working. If it's approached properly between you and your husband, if it's made clear to the kids that it isn't their fault, that you will both remain active in their lives, and love them just as much, they will be fine. There's no credible research I'm aware of that shows any long-lasting impact on children whose parents divorce, provided the divorce is reasonably amicable and both parents work to ensure it's minimally disruptive to the kids.