Longish post, but I hope you'll bear with me... My parents raised me as a serious, “traditional”, Catholic. I even attended Mass daily as an altar boy and somewhat considered becoming a priest down the road. At one point, my mother was under the impression that I would become a priest. I was a sheltered, home-schooled child who never personally knew any [out] homosexuals. After that, I chose to attend one of the most fanatically Catholic, as well as one of the most homophobic colleges in the US, Franciscan University of Steubenville. I recently college graduated from that debilitating school, and am living with my parents as I begin graduate school. I'll probably be living with my parents until I complete my degree. The problem is that I'm a closet gay and a closet atheist (“gaytheist” is a label I recently began using) who needs advice about coming out of multiple closets. Although this site is meant for discussing issues regarding coming out of the former closet, I am also hoping to get feedback from people of different beliefs about coming out of the latter closet as well, since that is of more immediate concern for me. Regarding my homosexuality, I think my parents sort of know that I'm gay. When I was 18, they found out I downloaded gay pr0n! Since then they haven't really brought it up and neither have I. I would like to eventually be out to them so I could be more genuine. The only people I'm out to are my older brother, a shrink I briefly visited in college, and a few members of a Courage group I use to attend. Regarding my atheism, my younger brother (also a recent closet atheist) and I initially began lying to them about going to church every weekend to stay in that closet. I knew this was a bad idea, but it was the much easier path to take in the short run than to shock them by telling them that I no longer have the religious beliefs that they do. I know there won't be terrible consequences to coming out to them since I have an older brother who is also a fully out atheist, but they didn't treat him differently after they found out. I am also reluctant to come out of this closet partly because this would probably force my younger brother out as well (since we both “went to church” together). I've been wanting to come out of both closets for a while (especially the atheist closet) but have been too uncomfortable to do it. I guess it is hard for me to come out because I'm a very shy and private person and it's hard to come out of those closets to people who are of a certain religious mindset. What are your thoughts and recommendations about my situation?
As I am a hristian I can't help you in becoming a devout atheist. Just say the truth, you don't love God or Jesus and will not be attending a church you hate. Why are you lying to them again, the money for college or place to live? As for coming out gay, what reasons do you have to not say, is it for fear of abuse, loss of financial support, or knowing they will reject you forever? i could see that as good reason to keep silent. If just not ready yet, nervous, unsure of their reaction, that is different. I do have Catholic friends, Im Baptist, and came out to one on fb because he insisted he wanted to share my burden as i had been depressed by something...now he asked for it! i don't think that priest expected me to tell him I'm transgender. but he said it and nothing else i ever say will make him hate me, and WE will go through this together. i was glad i came out to one of the religious persons i know, it is not hard if there is love. but saying you are not any form of Christian will scare them to death, because parents generally love their children, and they will fear your future, you know that. but lying? that helps you how?
Move out. Seriously, that is the only solution in this situation. I grew up in a more fanatically conservative family than you (near-cult) and I know from experience tha the only way to keep your life from being hell on earth is to move out. Get a few roommates, and part-time job, and make your break. The sooner the better. You also may find that once you have your freedom, you may not be as staunchly atheist as you feel right now. but you need your freedom to really determine that. And you are right- this is a coming out as big as the other. My brother was in much the same positions you, and he moved out and put a lot of emotional distance between him and my parents. He nearly cut off contact and refused to answer questions about his personal or faith life. They eventually figured out enough details to know where he stood, without creatin a huge uproar. And now he has slowly let them back in and they have a great relationship, but since that boundary of space has been created, they are very respectful of him even though they don't agree.
I agree with Carm. You will want to make sure you do not need your parents for support (financial or emotional) before coming out to them about either being gay or being an atheist. The fact that they are still talking to your older brother and treating him basically the same is encouraging. Are you on good terms with him? He should be able to help, at least in terms of coming out as an atheist. You will also want to talk to your younger brother before coming out as an atheist. It might not be necessary that he come out at the same time (he could say that he was going but had agreed to lie for you), but especially if your parents seem to be accepting, it would probably be better for both of you to come out at once. Do you know how your parents will respond to you being gay? You might not want to come out of both closets in the same conversation if you think they will react negatively. Both will probably come as a bit of a shock, and your parents might need time to adjust. Then again, if you think they already suspect you are gay, it might be better to just get it out of the way with all at once. Again, wait until you're out of the house, just in case their reaction is particularly bad.
I was raised Lutheran by my parents and they are somewhat religious people (my mom more so than my dad). I really had no problem with telling them I'm an atheist and speaking my mind about it. They didn't like it, but they accept it. The way I went about it was to not just have a sit down and make it all serious. I would occasionally bring up some scientific evidence or some other things to contradict what I was taught in church and catechism. If you're confident enough about it when you make those bold statements, they will eventually succumb As for the gay thing, I'm still figuring that one out
I'm not worried about them doing anything like pulling their support towards my tuition or anything drastic like that because they didn't do that to my older brother when they discovered he was an atheist. My reasons for staying in the closet are similar for both closets. The atheist closet is of more immediate importance because staying in that closet requires me to actively lie to them when they ask if/when I went to Mass and who the presiding priest was (hence, the dishonesty). It's hard to accurately explain why I'm so reluctant to come out of either of these closets. I suppose my reluctance for coming out of both closets is largely due to strong generalized anxiety and nervousness about doing so (keep in mind I'm a very timid and private person). I haven't even had the courage to come out of the gay closet to my younger brother who is in the other closet with me. I suppose the fact that I used to be VERY religious not too many years ago makes it harder to come out of that closet. After all, my mother use to think I was going to be a priest, which makes coming out more awkward for me. Additionally, one of my father's brothers is a Carmelite monk who I see all the time and another brother is a priest in a cult called the Legionaries of Christ. ---------- Post added 27th Jun 2012 at 02:28 PM ---------- Moving out is not feasible in my situation. Even a small apartment with roommates is pretty costly near where I live, and working enough hours to cover that cost would be really hard as I am a full-time grad student. ---------- Post added 27th Jun 2012 at 02:44 PM ---------- I am on good terms with him. That is something I have considered before, but for various reasons it would be really hard to get them to buy it. My younger brother, who has few friends, isn't ready to come out largely because he fears his friends rejecting him. One of his friends has even told him that he doesn't believe that he can be friends with anyone who doesn't share his conservative Christian beliefs. While these people wouldn't really be friends if they would reject him simply for not sharing their religious beliefs, these people are important enough to my brother (who has mental health issues) that I would want to avoid accidentally outing him. I'm thinking that I'll come out of the atheist closet first, then eventually come out of the other much later on. ---------- Post added 27th Jun 2012 at 02:50 PM ---------- Something like that is probably the best approach for me to take. I forgot to mention that several months ago my father asked me if I was still Catholic (because I was trying hard to go to a particular Mass that they weren't going to). It would have been a good time to come clean and walk out of the closet, but anxiety got the best of me and I lied.
Hey BobObob, I am actually a closeted gaytheist as you said. I loovvve that term by the way. don't know why I haven't thought of that before! One counselor knows I am gay, and my mom kinda knows I am atheist, but she is in denial. She constantly wants me to watch televangelists with her and read religious books and such, so I eventually just kinda went with it but I am not reading those books or anything though. I wish I could help you with coming out of either of the closets though, but can't. I've told friends and stuff that I am atheist, that's easy, but family on the other hand, I know they would NEVER NEVER understand because they are very christian and I would break their heart because I know they would believe I am going to hell. As for coming out of the gay closet, still in their as well. but I believe I could come out to my family about that one, eventually. sorry I don't really have any help, but mostly wanted to tell you I am in the same boat as far as being a gaytheist goes. Damn, I'm going to start using that If it's okay with you
Yeah, I'm in the same situation. Gaytheist. But back to the topic. Get full independence first. Your parents can't do anything to you if you don't live with them. When you move out, at worst, they won't talk to you (or try to convince you to be Christian and straight). At best, they would accept and love you as you. Just give it time.
Update two years later I still live with my parents, and will hopefully move out soon after I graduate and have a job that pays a living wage in the Spring or sooner. Roughly a year after I started this thread (I cannot remember exactly when), they caught me lying to them about attending Mass and found out that I'm an atheist. Since then, they haven't brought up the issue a lot, and my dislikes it when a conversation arises in which I may express criticism of religion. Regarding the gay closet, my younger brother is the only one I've since come out to. I'm probably not going to come out of the gay closet to my parents any time soon because it's highly unlikely that I'll date anytime soon (note what I set "my mood" to, and that I'm not concerned about coming out to friends). However, whenever I do come out as gay to them, I know they won't like it. My father becomes visibly uncomfortable on the rare occasions that homosexuality comes up. For instance, one time the show on NFL Network we were casually watching brought up Michael Sam, and he changed the channel clearly because he wasn't comfortable with listening to that discussion. I still welcome input from anyone on this old thread.
It doesn't sound like you need much advice; you seem to be handling your situation pretty well by yourself. There are usually always a lot of job opportunities in the Bay Area, so you will probably be able to stay there if that is what you want to do, after you graduate. Like you said, it is a very expensive place to live, so you will need a job and probably some roommates to share an initial set of living quarters with to share expenses. Once you get set up and established with a steady income, then you can also build your "gay support" family of friends to back up the coming out process with your parents. You might not even feel the need to once you are out of the family household, until you find someone you want them to know and accept as your partner. Like you said, that will be down the road a bit, so take your time and enjoy your newfound freedom once you are out of the family house. No rush to come out to them, unless it is causing you distress to be in the closet to them.
