I haven't posted on here in abouta month or so. But it seems like in such a short amount of time my life has gone to shit. My "boyfriend" or whatever the fuck he was to me decided he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He cheated on me more times than I'd like to even know and from this I've found myself being tested for everything under the sun even thoughI was always very careful with him.just the stress alone has got me drinking what seems like every minute I'm not at work. Then as if that wasn't enough of a kick in the stomach, the last we were together he sent out an explicit picture to literally everyone in my contacts. That would include my sncoic who had called me a faggot on numerous occasions just because he doesn't like me. And for the 99.9% reading this..I've never come out to anyone.so here I sit, getting ready for a 4 week field op and all but one person has avoided me like the plague.I want disappear. I want to be anywhere but here. I just want to fall asleep and wake up in a place where absolutely no one knows my name
I'm so sorry to hear of your problems - that really sucks. It hurts so much when someone we think we have a connection with ultimately turns out to be a completely different person. As for sending out explicit photos of you, that sounds downright hurtful. At least you've seen the real him before you invested any more of your time and love. That's a terrible way to come out to people - it's hard enough when you have control over the process, let alone when someone unilaterally decides to do it for you - and in such a graphic manner. I really feel for you, and am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like a platitude to say that time eventually heals all wounds - it's probably not what you want to hear, but it is actually true. Hang on - it will get better - and you'll eventually find that person that is worthy of your love. Maxx
Well, first of all: (*hug*)(*hug*) Secondly (and I hope more helpfully): I do think that the panic and confusion etc. you're feeling are quite natural. You opened up to someone, and he betrayed that trust. Anyone would feel out of his element after that. However: when you do feel the panic and stress come up, do make an effort to remind yourself that you're OK. Yes, he was a bastard, and in retrospect, trusting him was a bad idea, but you didn't catch anything from it, and how much you let that mistake rule your future is your own choice. Tell that to yourself in the mirror when stressed, write it down, even just mouth it... but focus on that rather than worrying about worst-case scenarios. To others... laugh it off. Keep acting normal to the one person that isn't avoiding you, and try to interact as normally as possible to the others. As if you have no real clue that they might be avoiding you. If they bring it up, then shrug it off. The party line should be: "yeah, he got hold of my contact list and an explicit picture, and decided sending it out would be a fun joke. I tend to disagree, but at least I know not to associate with him anymore". The less you seem panicked and uncomfortable, the less they're likely to take it as a dirty secret. Trust me. They've made mistakes too that they don't want to be remembered about. Sncoics... are paid to put soldiers on edge. I'm saying this as the brother of one. He's an awesome guy, but I wouldn't want to be in any way in a position subordinate to him. So there too: take him calling you "faggot" as just a generic insult. Some other guys he doesn't like may be called fat, slow, and dumb, and he might call you faggot, but try to see it as just part of the snoic jargon. HOWEVER: do also check if there's someone you CAN talk to about this. While among other soldiers, it pays to project some toughness, it does help to spill the beans to someone you can trust, or who is professionally bound to secrecy. Would there be anyone like that in your unit? What about the one guy who's not avoiding you? Any friend at home that you could contact (even if just over e-mail). If not, then do feel free to rant some more. I can't promise we can solve it all, but I can promise we will listen! (*hug*)
Thanks maxx. I'm not usually a person to show any emotion but i'm just in a confused state of shame/shock/anger/depression all at once. My thoughts don't even linger to him anymore but more to the fact that now when I used to be able to think "are they looking at me differently because they think I'm gay", now it's not even a question.. they're looking at me and they're disgusted at me. I only have one friend who has confronted me over it and he was completely accepting, whereas no one else has even said so much to me other than whats necessary for us to operate at work. If it weren't for the one I think i'd be trying to swim across the pacific right now without a lifejacket ---------- Post added 27th Jun 2012 at 11:18 AM ---------- Thank you for everything you've just said. It really has diffused the situation as I see it in my head. I guess i'm more of a pessimist and I don't always give people the benefit of the doubt, so hopefully you're right and no one will make as big a deal out of this as it has been in my head. I can talk to my chaplain, although i'm still very uneasy talking to anyone about my sexuality. I'm not ready to accept myself as being bi/gay whatever you want to consider me and thats part of the reason why I found this site as an outlet. I feel like once I start talking to the people in my day to day life then it becomes real and i'm supposed to embrace it or something, which is something i can't ever see myself doing.
Well, maybe don't focus on the "I need to embrace my sexuality" first, then. By all means, work on that as well, but the thing you might want to focus on is: "I thought I could trust someone. And I trusted him with some sensitive stuff. And he betrayed that trust and I don't really feel comfortable anymore. I'm afraid everyone looks at me differently". Much easier to start from, and maybe an easier angle for your chaplain to start from too. Sexuality could come up in the course of that conversation, but only if you want it to. Otherwise you could just paint him as a really good friend that you hung out with all the time. As for the other people... don't focus on the fear that they're disgusted. Maybe a few are. But most are probably just profoundly uncomfortable. Acting normal will take much of that discomfort away. Maybe not overnight, but it's a better shot than keeping yourself separate.
It has taken me 49 years to come to terms with being gay (I'm married too - and am working through the process of doing what is right). Once I accepted myself as gay, though, a lot of things clicked. It made sense - "of course, I'm gay!" Life is too short to pretend you are something you aren't, or something that you think other people want you to be. You are who you are - and that's great. No apologies necessary. I've found talking about it to others (I recently started seeing a therapist), and posting here, has been enormously helpful. For me, I thought my attractions to men were a passing phase that I'd grow out of. I didn't. And now I'm dealing with the consequences, and inflicting those consequences on people I love. Talking to your chaplain sounds like a great start - and of course we are here for you too. Don't ever be ashamed of who you are. It doesn't turn out well for anyone. Maxx
