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Letting it all out (Very Long)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by dc101, Jun 27, 2012.

  1. dc101

    Regular Member

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    I've been on this site for about a month now and had some great advice and spoke to some great people. The problem is that I have explained everything I'm going through in detail and there's a lot that's still bothering me. Knowing that this site is private and no one knows who I am I thought it's best to give all the details as I can't find anyone to talk to and I feel that all this is building up to the point where I can't cope and not sure what will happen. I'll try to be as brief as I can but cover as much as I can.

    My earlier memory of being gay was when I was 5 and I picked on another buy because I remember thinking he's cute but didn't really know at the time. Throughout my school life I never really fitted in with anyone as I didn't enjoy sports of football like everyone else. I've always been the outcast and I grew up to get used to it. When I was a teenager I pretended to like things just so that I had something in common with other people. Now I don't pretend anymore and I've distanced myself from everyone I know. I know this is partly because of the depression caused by being gay. I had friends but they gave up on trying to get me to go out because I couldn't be bothered.

    Growing up I never felt close to my parents or to anyone to be honest and now I couldn't be more distant from the human race. I was talking to someone I work with and she was telling me her plans for the summer for her and her family and how her children give her hugs when shes not feeling great and she started talking about how my family worked. I'm only 26 and still live with my parents and she got me thinking about the relationship I have with them. It made me think back to when my mum had cancer and how I wasn't really bothered what the outcome was. It's not got me thinking that I just see my parents as two people that I live with, along with my brother. I don't have any real feelings for them or any of my other family members.

    Thinking on from this it's made me realise that I've never been in a relationship with anyone and how much I want the simple things like hugs that everyone takes for granted. I come across so closed off to everyone and people avoid talking to me unless they have to because the can sense that I'm shut off from the rest of the world. I don't fully understand how all this connects to being gay and I know there's a lot of psychological issues that I can relate but I would be here forever.

    The problems i have are:

    1) I'm closed off to everyone and have no one close to talk to. I go to work and come home, I haven't been out anywhere for years and my mum occasionally says to go out and get a girlfriend.

    2) I'm have some issues with contact/hugging as I've never really hugged anyone and to be honest it's all I want from a guy. I don't want the sex or anything else, just to lay there and fall asleep forever. I know I'm gay because I'm not interested in women in the slightest but I'm also not interested in seeing a guy naked or having sex with a guy.

    3) I've searched high and low for some sort of counseling but I just can't find anything local that I can afford.

    4) When a colleague at work says to me that her son gives her a hug when she's feeling down gets me really depressed as I think to myself that it's all I want. I guess I'm jealous and slightly annoyed when other people complain about their lives. I think to myself 'you've got a loving family and you're still complaining about the little things'. I would be happy just to have one person that i could see on a regular basics to love and be loved by.

    The trouble is I can't say any of this out loud and all the feelings are getting crossed and I just don't know where to go or what to do anymore. I don't talk to anyone anymore just my colleagues at work and that only ends up talking about the weather because I don't do anything else.

    I don't know where to go from here, sorry for the rant and sorry if it don't make sense. I just had to keep typing to get it all out. I've missed a lot of details but I'd be here forever.
     
  2. stumble along

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    I'm kind of in the same boat as you for 1, 2 and 4. I can't really vouch for 3 because I can't get a job until I get a license so I can't afford any counseling.

    You didnt say that you are nervous/ shy so if thats true then find some of your co workers that you have a better time talking to then others and ask them to hang out. Doesn't have to be extravagent or anything. Even if you havent been anywhere in 3 years I'm almost sure you have some hobbies or interests that you can find people to be friends with. Once you get friends then it'll open up your dating pool so you can find that guy to hug to death :slight_smile:

    With talking to people you don't have to share every dark secret, just cover the basics about yourself and as the friendship moves along you will find yourself being a bit more open to certain people. Trust me haha before I met some of my friends I was about as shelled in as you could possibly get. Now I've opens up to a few people about myself and it helps strengthen the friendship, but it also makes it a lot harder to let go off you two drift apart.

    As for parents, I'm just as clueless as you are, but what you've said descrives my situation exactly.

    For the hugging/contact issue you didn't really specify what issues but I can assume you don't like it and would only feel comfortable doing it with a significant other. I'm like this for the most part, if anyone tries to touch me I end up doing the matrix to avoid it, unless its from someone I care about deeply. Trust me you'll find those people.
     
  3. maxx

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    dc101 - we love you and would be happy to be your accepting family. Our hugs are restricted to emoticons (*hug*) (*hug*) but the sentiment is very real.

    You are not alone, and there are many people like you. I never grew up in a loving, affectionate family either - and what I want most from a relationship is to be held, cuddled - and to feel intimate without having to be intimate.

    Once you achieve that level of intimacy with someone though, my guess is you'll reconsider the whole 'not wanting to have sex' thing :eusa_danc

    As for talking about yourself, talking about being gay, or just ranting, EC's the place! You can talk to us any time - day or night - we'll be here. Lean on us, we'll support you.

    One thing that might be useful for you is to go get a massage - not erotic or anything, just a good therapeutic massage. Another human's touch on your body can feel great - and might help you fulfill a need we all have.

    We look forward to hearing more,
    Maxx
    (*hug*)