Hello, I am really really hoping that someone out there will understand what I am saying here, and will be able to offer some advice. I have very recently separated from my wife after 10 years together. In that time I helped to bring up my step-daughter from my wife's previous relationship. Things were great for the first few years, but went downhill slowly when we lost our baby in the early stages of pregnancy. Although for medical reasons, we had not expected to be able to have children, it was a shock to find out that we could, and a cruel twist of fate that we found out through a miscarriage, which also ended any chance of conceiving again. Neither of us handled it very well, and we actually weren't able to talk about it openly until a few months ago. Before you wonder if I have joined completely the wrong forum, my wife is only woman I have ever loved, and I have never even looked at another woman, because before I met her and fell in love, I was an out and out young gay man I had strings of casual relationships, none of them very satisfying, and so I thought that maybe it really had been a "phase". In my heart of hearts now, a good deal older and wiser, I probably know that I was wrong back then. With a number of issues which have occurred, I believe our marriage breakdown was inevitable. Although she knew all about my past, I cannot find the words to describe my feelings to her, knowing she will feel that this was the underlying reason, when it wasn't. I also dread telling my stepdaughter, and although she is a young adult herself now, I dread the thought of her feeling betrayed by me, as I love her as much as if I was her real Dad. I dream of loving and being loved by a gentle and sensitive man, and I know that there are hurdles to get over. It is all just so bloody difficult, and I feel at the minute like a failed gay man, who has also now got a failed straight marriage, before even hitting 35! Sorry for the long post- the question is shorter: Help!
Well first of all, relax. No decisions or actions must be made or taken in this immediate moment. Second, you didn't fail at anything. You have plenty of time to make headway as a gay man, and just because a marriage didn't work out doesn't mean it failed. The most important thing, though, is that you are happy. And if the only way you can do that is by being with a man, then so be it. Your wife (or ex-wife) and stepdaughter will react however they will, and you can take things from there. You just need to be honest with others now that you are honest with yourself. I'm sure your stepdaughter will come around, even if she does initially react negatively. You still gave her the same amount of love and support, whether you were gay during it or not. And if she can't see that, then perhaps you could explain it to her. Communication is key. I see no reason you can't just explain the situation to them the way you did to me... they just might understand. Of course there will be pain, it's a sensitive thing, but pain heals and time solves most problems. I hope some part of that helps!
Okay, now this gets harder. I went round today to the house to speak to my wife, and try to start a conversation about things. In the short period of times since I left, all of sudden she is decorating the house (which we both own) and throwing away a lot of stuff we have had for years and buying completely new things. I asked what this was about, and was told that it was about making a fresh start, and showing that I was wanted back, and the house was being decorated so it would be a proper home if I decided to return . I am so confused by this. It feels like I have been airbrushed out of my own house, and there has also been a skip delivered today, and I had to prevent some of my remaining items being put in it from the house. The problem is that I have realised that I do noto want to return, but feel upset that someone is dictating how my house will look, and what is in it, giving me no say, but expecting me to come back and assume a role I am no longer comfortable in. I don't know now how I can broach the subject, but this suspended animation is making me feel really anxious and depressed.
It sounds like your wife is a bit older than you, since her daughter is a young woman? I think it sounds like you don't want to continue that relationship. You can be honest about your experience. It's fine that you are usually attracted to men, but fell in love with this one woman. It has been a genuine and valid relationship, even if it didn't work out. Perhaps she will be the only woman you ever have feelings for, or perhaps not, but all of your feelings are real and valid, and they do not invalidate each other. Your relationship with your wife was not less valid because you are usually attracted to men. Your interest in men is not invalidated by your relationship with your wife. These things can coexist. I think your wife is ready to move on, too. It certainly sounds like she wants a "fresh start," with you or without you. I think that if you are honest with your stepdaughter, it should work out fine. You haven't cheated on her mother, or anything, and if you are honest about the reasons that the relationship isn't working out, I don't think she'll feel betrayed. Maybe just talk to them openly about how you feel. You've expressed yourself pretty well here, so you could take this thread to refer to if you think you need it.
