I'm sorry if this turns into more of a rant than a question, but I don't really know how to handle all of my built-up anger/emotions. I guess I'll first start off by explaining myself. I'm the type of person who doesn't like to show his emotions. I have lots of friends, but few who are close to me. I don't open up to people very easily. When I'm mad, I don't like to show that I'm angry because...well I really don't know why. So I basically come across as a rather emotionless rock, when in reality, I have so many thoughts/emotions running through my head (I think I'm a little bit passive-aggressive). Now to talk about my dad. We've never been very close. We get along, but we just have different interests and aren't close. He's been suspicious of my sexuality in the past (and I'm certain he is still suspicious). For example, when I was in 7th or 8th grade, I remember asking him if he wanted to play a video game with me (even though he would never do that), and he just suddenly asked me if I was gay. I knew I was gay, but I was shocked and just said I wasn't. More recently (about 1.5 or 2 years ago) he was driving me to this thing at our church (it's kind of like Sunday school) and he asked me if there were any cute girls in my class. I just said that I didn't know. He then asked me if there were any cute boys. I basically just said, "Seriously?!" and brushed off the question. So it is safe to say that he's suspicious of my sexuality. Did I mention he's extremely homophobic? Every time there's gay people on tv, he always has to make a hateful comment on the fact that they're gay (usually calling them faggots). Just last night, my mom was watching the show "Pregnant in Heels" and there was a gay couple on it who were having a baby through a surrogate mother. When my mom said she wasn't changing the channel, he pretty much stormed out of the room saying "I hate f:***: faggots" and he went to bed. It hurts me and makes me mad when he makes those hateful comments toward gay people. But what REALLY gets to me is the fact that he suspects that his own son (me) is gay, but he still makes all of those nasty remarks! What kind of father would do that? But I pretty much have to sit there expressionless like a freaking rock and listen while he says horrible things. It's like he's verbally abusing me, without really knowing it. This really did turn into a sort of rant, but how do you go about handling built-up emotions? Thanks in advance, guys.
This is just a guess, but he may be in denial and has to deal with that AND his homophobia at the same time right now thus making him sensitive to the subject. Knowing that his son may be gay. You could consider telling your mother first if she isn't like him? From the feeling I get I feel like your dad just needs some time and education and exposure and then he could come around. Just a feeling. You could write a letter to him, and then not give it to him/throw it away. That can help you get your feelings out without actually causing mayhem to ensue. It also helps you to be more calm about the subject once you've gotten all of the emotional words out to yourself. Good luck. (*hug*)
I'll answer your last question first... "This really did turn into a sort of rant, but how do you go about handling built-up emotions?" Many different ways. If you live near a wide-open space.. just start running until it hurts. Keep going. Focus on the energy you're exerting and it will completely take your mind off of whatever was bothering you before. Or try some meditation, if that's your thing. Maybe it is. Find a quiet, dark place and just relax in whatever position, focusing on bringing in only good thoughts and getting rid of the bad. Or you could try blasting music. I know that whenever I was really anxious or having a panic attack I would blast music and turn up the bass to maximum.. it's like you can feel the beats moving inside of you. Quite a cool experience! Again, it helps you to stop thinking about what's bothering you. As for your father, I agree that it's horrible that he may suspect that you're gay but insult gays anyway. What do you think would happen if you were to come out to him? That may be a stretch for you right now, but before I came out to my Christian father he acted the exact same way that yours does. After I told him, it took him a few months to adjust, but he eventually became comfortable with it and the insults stopped. My whole family changed. I hope I helped.
@SkyDiver: Thanks for the advice. Those are good ideas . I'm glad your dad has started being accepting. We're Catholic, but he doesn't even really know his own faith. Lol, I'm not coming out to him in the near future. @TheEscapist: The letter idea sounds like it would be good for helping me get some of the tension out. But I really don't know if he'll ever be accepting of gay people. I once heard him say that, "I'll always think that being a faggot is a dirty f****** sin." But the funny thing is that he can't even tell you where in the Bible it talks about homosexuality. I actually think my mom suspects me, as well. She sometimes defends gay people, and the other day I woke up to them arguing (which is strange, because they never argue). She was saying that there's nothing wrong with gay people, and he was telling her that she was wrong. I guess I just needed to get that off my chest. As of right now, I really don't think I could handle telling either one of my parents that I'm gay. Who knows, that attitude may change when I start college this Fall and get to meet other gay people (hopefully). Thank you guys for your support and advice .
Well... I don't think he insults gay people despite having suspicions. It's more that he steps up his homophobia because he's having suspicions. Because, alas, that's how denial works. It's a coping mechanism. He suspects his son is gay (honestly, most people don't ask so directly if they haven't gotten some suspicions) But... as long as there's even a glimmer of a chance he might be mistaken, and maybe with a slight hope it can help to contain the situation, he's drowning his doubts out by taking the harshest position he can. Because staying where you are and freezing up always feels easier than trying to change your position. In a way, coming out might be a help in getting him to move beyond that. Yes, it'll take time to move beyond denial, anger, fear, and bargaining. But it's better than giving him the illusion that denial will keep all of this at bay. You can't expect hm to start being accepting if he isn't notified there really is something he has to accept. You might want to tell your mom first, especially if she's supportive (or at least fairly neutral) on the matter. And whatever you do: don't come out to your dad in anger. That never works out well. It's best to tell when you're well-prepared and when you're less likely to mix it up with recrimination. Right now... all of the coping mechanisms mentioned above can work. For what it's worth: some of my own. Usually, for me, some mix of sports and computer gaming helps. Swimming is usually my go-to sport. It's fairly technical, so I can (need) to concentrate more on my breathing and the exact positions of my hands and feet than about my other thoughts. And there's nothing quite like putting a computer game on the easiest settings and mercilessly smashing your A.I. opponent. What I also like to do is read. The heavier non-fiction kind. History. Or better, astrology (you might be able to see whether I was upset by the timing of my browsing of Wikipedia articles like "geology of Mars" or "Star-forming areas in the Orion Nebula" ). I find that it invites my mind into an analytical mindset, which carries through a bit after finishing the read. Usually, in that analytical mindset, my problems seem more manageable, and I see better ways of solving them.
