I feel so damn different right now. As I've mentioned before, I am currently in a halfway house with like 7 other guys. They are all straight(or at least not open about being bi/gay) and I feel like I am definitely hiding more recently. I am definitely less confident with just hanging out with them the more that I'm coming to terms with myself. That seems like the opposite of what should happen I guess, but I don't know. The people in this house said that a gay guy stayed in this house before I moved in here and it seems like it wasn't weird at all. But he was openly gay and everything, and me, personally, I don't want to discuss it or anything. And I KNOW I won't be able to handle any derogatory statement directed towards me about my sexuality after they openly know so I just want to stay away from them. I know I'm not ready to come out yet, but at the same time, it kills me inside greatly now to be in the closet. It kills me to put up this shield and pretend all the damn time. So now I'm stuck here, in the closet, upstairs in my room while the other guys are downstairs watching tv. Anybody been where I am or have any advice for me? I feel like I did right before I went into denial about 5 years ago. I don't want that to happen again, but sometimes I feel this shame is still there sometimes and it makes me want to try my damnedest to block those feelings.
Well... that's closet life for ya. I don't know what much to say. I wouldn't beat yourself up for thinking that by figuring yourself out more and more you should be able to be more confident with them; in fact, I'd argue the opposite. As you begin to acknowledge who you really are isn't who they think you are, you shrug away because you don't want to change their perception of you. The guys seem to have no problem with the gay guy who was there before. If there are derogatory statements, I'm sure there meant in a joking manner, otherwise the other guy wouldn't have gotten along so well, right? And if it's in a joking manner, if you were to come out and still weren't comfortable with that, if you indicated that to them I'm sure they'd lay off. Again, I wouldn't worry about that part. Just focus on getting yourself confident with who you are. There's no surefire way to do it... it just kinda takes time, but it sounds like you're getting there. That's part of closeted life though; eventually you're comfortable enough with yourself (maybe not completely) that telling them becomes worth it so you don't have to be stuck in the goddamned closet anymore. That pressure will keep building and you'll know when you're ready, don't worry. And here's a quote to illustrate that, because I can't articulate it very well: I found that about a week before I first came out, and I think it helped me to realize that I'd be ready when I was ready. Not only that, but to remind myself that a little bit of risk was never a bad thing when you weigh the benefits that come from it.
it is darn uncomfy here in my closet. is it just me, or is it getting stuffy, and are you getting closterphobia? I really need to find more peeps to come out to, to be me around, it feels that way anyways...that acting is for wimps, and it is not wrong to be real!
