Trying to accept myself as being bigger or a chub in the gay community

Disclaimer: I've never been in a relationship either, so take this with a grain of salt.

I just want to say first off that I feel for you. A couple years ago, I was definitely a bigger guy... I ended up unintentionally losing a lot of that weight, but even now I'm still not comfortable with my body. I fear that my skin won't retract back to how it should be even once I purposely lose the rest of the weight I'd like (right now, I'm just sitting at whatever a decent weight without much effort is for me). And honestly, that's a scary thought to be viewed as "unattractive", even now when I'm quite noticeably different than I was before.

But I will remind you, of course, that if you do want to lose the weight you likely can, barring some health conditions. It'll take a lot of work, but it's not impossible.

Anyway, I was always of the belief that love isn't something you look for, it's something that just happens. I think someone posted it in another thread (TheEdend probably), but online dating is a harsh place to look for love... I know it's the only viable option for a lot of gay guys, but that doesn't make it any better. While you actively seek out a relationship, you're bound to get rejected a handful of times and that does nothing good for your ego. Confidence is attractive, above all else... sure, body type still plays into it, but confidence is what you use to sell yourself. And being constantly disappointed with yourself because of who you are is no way to build up confidence.

I don't know much about where you live or why you might need to move away, but I think that's a good start. If I had to give advice, change up your life a bit. Maybe you're in a bit of a rut. Maybe going to a new place will open new opportunities. If nothing else, a change in scenery might invoke a new sense of energy in you. Go for the life experiences, like you said, but I wouldn't seek out a relationship. But that's just my opinion.

 

Man, do I sympathize with you. Except I have the opposite problem. I mean, I'm not exactly the most classically handsome man on the planet, but I feel like my biggest obstacle is that my type is, without a doubt, bigger guys (especially bears, but there aren't many bears my age). All the big guys in my area that I've tried talking to have been straight, and all the gay guys I know are skinny. (A friend of mine once suggested this conspiracy theory that because the guys I'm interested in aren't used to people finding them attractive, when I ask them if they like guys, they recoil because someone finding them attractive is such a novel thing for them and they lie about, but I'd drive myself crazy if I thought about that possibility too much, so I try not to, and plus it's kinda insulting to them, but now I'm rambling.)

Let's get the most important thing out of the way now: you won't be lonely forever. If you're already in the habit of getting yourself out there enough that you've found a guy you could mess around with, then at some point in your life, you'll meet a guy who will be looking for exactly what you have to offer in a relationship. Problem is, the only thing anyone can promise you is that it will happen eventually, and I know personally that that really isn't a very comforting reassurance.

The best advice I ever heard about looking for a relationship is to do it by widening your social circle and making new friends. Widening your social circle might not boast the best possible success rate for getting you a date, but if it doesn't get you a man, it will probably net you some awesome friends, and the need for a boyfriend won't feel so strong. It's really win-win. So if you do anything to try to remedy this situation, be it moving somewhere else or working on yourself somehow, my suggestion is to do it with the aim of getting to know more people and make more friends.

 

Sorry to hear that you're struggling with this. Like Owen, I'm attracted pretty exclusively to bigger guys, and I also tend to feel like *they're* the ones that aren't around, or - in my case - aren't available, or are even the ones who are judging me because I'm too skinny. So, in a roundabout way, I guess I can sympathize?

While I also agree that widening your social circle (or just expanding it in different directions, even if it's already wide) is the easiest - and perhaps most efficient, in the long run - way to meet potential boyfriends, I'll also point out that this holds true for online dating as well. If you're having no luck with one site, try another. I think we tend to stick with the same one (I know I have, in the past), even if we have no luck with it, out of some artificial sense of having been rejected - the site, or the people on it, have somehow, en masse, found us wanting, and we want to fix that by seeking its/their approval. But there's no reason to stay put if it's not working.

Beyond that, though, I think you've already pinpointed the real issue - accepting and appreciating yourself and the way you look. There are a variety of ways to do that. You could work out a little so you can accomplish something related to your body, and feel proud about it. You could work on refocusing your thoughts; everyone has things they don't like about their body, but what do you *like* about yours? What are your three best physical traits? You could also just relabel the way you talk about your body - "husky" is a lot more endearing than the f-word, for example. You might be surprised at the difference that just changing your vocabulary could make. Beyond your own actions and thoughts, try to surround yourself with people that won't make fun of your size, or who will give you positive reinforcement about your appearance (which can happen in a variety of non-sexual ways). Even seemingly harmless jokes at your expense could be making a difference.

Finally, just a thought/question - what's been happening lately that you've been longing for a boyfriend? Has anything in your life changed recently that might be causing you to focus on your own social and romantic life/history?