Should've been completely obvious..to me..

Hey everyone, I want to just get this typed out and in cyberspace. I feel like I am still not fully being accepting of my own sexuality. Sometimes I'm fully accepting and ok with being mostly/fully gay, but other times I feel like there have been a ton of very complicated issues happen and that I am just confused, but I DO know that this is my denial talking, which I didn't always have.
Anyway, I had several experiences with guys when I was around 17. At first, I LOVED it and felt really happy about myself, but not long after, I started to really hate myself. I felt like I was doing something horrible, something as horrible as murder. I was taught growing up that "queers and fags go to hell for all eternity" and this was eating at the back of my mind. I really felt like being gay was just a part of me and I knew deep down I couldn't change, so I just hated myself worse than a lot of homophobes out there.
At this point in my life I already have a lot of loved ones who suspect I am gay. I actually kind of came out to some of my cousin's about a year before this point but was able to write it off as "just a phase", although I'm pretty sure they know It wasn't just a phase.
So then after about 6 months of a couple "experiences" here and there, other people get suspicious. I lived in a town with under 800 people for most of my life so news travels fast. Anyway, after about a year I started to date girls and it was really actually very emotionally taxing and stressful, but rewarding in the sense that I was able to get SOME kind of reassurance that I wasn't gay, because in my homophobic mind gay people were just really confused and lost.
After a couple high school relationships that all ended horrifically, I met a girl and got engaged and actual had sex with her!! This really helped me to block allll those years of me knowing I was gay and label it all with "nevermind about all that stuff, I'm normal, YAY!". Well that ended very badly too, oh, and also this girl(who was very tomboyish and not attractive) had had only one other boyfriend who turned out to be SUPER gay, so yeah.
I showed and told everyone that had suspicions that I was gay about my new fiance and told them it was very serious and hinted that we were having sex(which it took like the 3rd or 4th time before I could manage to get off, and even then I had to pretend like I was watching the whole scene and pretend I was her) so everyone could hopefully write off in their mind that I WAS just confused and going through a phase.
Well after that ended....badly...I started to really doubt my sexuality again. I then got on drugs and started hanging out with a real straight man whore type and we moved in together, I worked and paid the bills and he cleaned the house.(freaking ironic, right??) We then preceded to party all the time and go around trying to get laid. I slept with 9 women during that 6 months and went into denial super strong. I do remember that I would have wet dreams about Him though, and I would be on the bottom. To tell you the truth, me being on the bottom like that disturbed me more than being gay. Well I got really deep into drugs over the course of that year and eventually left it all because none of it was satisfying. I then have spent the last 2 years being basically alone, but gotten worse into drugs. but now I am in a halfway house and have been clean for over 2 months, and this has been the greatest thing to happen in my life because It has helped me to get out of denial and start accepting myself, and since I have started doing this, I have not had any cravings at all. Damn that was long, I appreciate it tons if you stuck through that whole thing and read it!

 

thanks Carm, especially for reading that long post lol! Congratulations to yourself for losing the weight!