I've read so many stories where an openly gay guy is wondering whether his 'straight' friend is closetted and secretly likes them. For my story i'm that 'straight' guy. I've never actually told anyone who matters that i'm gay and have a massive crush on someone who is openly gay and available. So I basically live inside a closet inside a closet. I'm kind of out of the gay inner-closet as far as my family knowing and changing my "Interested in" on facebook (only did that a few days ago and no one noticed yet). The outer-closet stops me from reaching out to people and connecting with them beyond a 'mingling' kind of connection unless I feel 100% sure of being liked. I started spending a lot of time around this guy when we moved in together in a house share. We both do the same course at college and have the same classes. I never really spent much time around him in person until this point. I started noticing some subtle signs he was interested like this really distinctive erotic gaze when he'd talk to me and touching my arm and shoulder. That stare alone would sometimes give me a boner. We'd also walk a lot closer together than two guys normally do without either of us moving away. He'd also hold doors open for me and insist I entered first. The first time we met he seemed nervous and fell up the stairs to his own dorm. The only time I've ever shown any remotely explicit interest in him was when I got high one time. He also may have noticed a tab I accidentally left open of a gay porn site when he used my computer for something. The day after this we were sitting alone at the back of a lecture theatre and he started pressing on my foot with his really obviously for about 30 seconds. He kept doing it harder until he just stopped. Recently he's started talking to me about homophobia related politics/news which is a topic i've never heard him talk about to anyone else before. He also randomly read me some love horoscope that said something like "this week you'll connect with someone you love". And sometimes he opens the front door for me before I can get my key in despite his room being at the opposite end of the house. I just can't comprehend someone I like liking me. It's not like i'm physically unattractive either. I score 8/10 on those hot-or-not websites. I have "severe low self-esteem and self-image" according to therapists i've seen. I mean there really isn't an alternative explanation for why he's done a lot of this. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it all? I'm afraid that if I make a move he'll suddenly flip out and be like "WTF are you doing?!?! God. Fuck off".
My advice? You have what sounds like a close friendship. He may have suspected how you feel about your own sexuality, as you sound confident about accepting it now. The best thing you can do is TALK to him. Maybe tell him that you are also gay, and see what happens from there. He may not be saying how he feels directly to you at the minute, as he doesn't know if you are gay or not, and do doesn't want to potentially lose your friendship by making a move on you. At least by coming out to him, you are both on a level playing field, and then it will be a case of seeing if the attraction is mutual, rather than having to consider if differing sexualities are a barrier. One thing I would say- don't jeopardise your friendship if you think that a relationship isn't going to work out. But, I have to say, I've got my fingers crossed for you, because your story is very romantic, and I hope it has a happy ending
Welcome to Empty Closets! OMG COME OUT TO HIM ALREADY!!! Seriously, you live with a gay person and you aren't out to him. Why are you doing that??? Tell him you are gay, and reciprocate when he touches you instead of sitting there like a lump. Or at least respond somehow. Non-response is very confusing to people. If you lean into a touch, they know what that means; if you pull away, they know what that means. If you do nothing, it's confusing, and they don't know if it's even okay with you or not. For example, the thing where he pushed his foot against yours. You didn't pull away, but also did not respond. That is very confusing. Do you want him to continue? Are you just trying not to be rude? What is going on in your mind? (No one will tell you when they notice your interested in on Facebook--unless they think it is a joke or someone hacked your account or something. Just FYI. Actually, if your gay roommate notices, he probably will say something. But nobody else will say anything, and you won't know if they saw it or not.) Do you have other roommates, or is it just the two of you? What exactly is the housing arrangement like? If you make a move, I seriously doubt he'll flip out. Why would he flip out? At worst, he'll just say no. Anyway, you could just make a pass at him, but you might have the best luck if you let him know that you are gay first. He might be worried about getting involved with someone who still isn't sure about his sexuality. The next time he brings up gay topics, see if you can guide the conversation so that it becomes appropriate to talk about how you came out to your family. Since you are out to your family, and mysteriously not out to the gay guy you live with. You don't have to have some major "coming out" moment. Just start talking about it normally. He might react to the confirmation about your sexuality, but just be like, "Yeah, I'm still not totally comfortable talking about it, but I'm definitely gay. Sorry for not being clear about that before..." Also, and this is important: What exactly happened when you were high? And was that before or after all of this other stuff started happening that makes you think he might be interested in you? It matters... If a lot of the stuff only happened after that, he is almost definitely interested in you. You know what, though? Scrap everything else, and just go ask the dude on a date. Like, an explicit, we are going on a date kind of date. Right now. Go!
I'm just going to combine these two things in order to highlight them. On the one hand, if you work up the courage to just ask him out, I agree with Ianthe - you should do that. The signs you're describing here are pretty unambiguous. On the other hand, Flipper's right that coming out to him first could smooth things along very nicely. And it does take away a HUGE point of uncertainty on his part - because, in line with what Ianthe said, it sounds like you're not giving him a lot of concrete feedback. There have been a few points you mentioned, like leaving a gay porn tab open on your browser, but you might be surprised how non-conclusive stuff like that can be. So, option 1 - just ask him out. I'd say it's completely safe. Or, option 2 - come out to him - which might help indicate that you want him to make the next move - and then start responding to any of these signs he keeps giving you. Even something as simple as looking him in the face and smiling will clarify things a whole bunch for him. I realize that this might be scary, and it might be shocking to think that someone is attracted to you - but all the signs are there. Heck, more signs are there than when I met my first bf, when I was in your same position. And whatever you do, keep telling us what happens. This is already way too romantic. EDIT: In case you're wondering, no, we're not always this enthusiastic to people in this situation - it really does sound that promising to us.
This sounds like a romance story in the making... He's probably waiting for you to come out which would explain why he suddenly brought up the topic of homophobia. I think you should come out to him! You can't lose by coming out to him
Hey, We live in a house we share with some girls he lived with during first year. Whenever he (or someone else in the past) has shown interest in me I always think something like "surely that didn't just happen? it must have been a mistake or coincidence". I'm hypervigilant to negative clues and always gets those hints (which are often false), but i'm not programmed to accept positive ones. When something positive happens it feels like there was a momentary glitch in the universe that caused it and that it should therefore be ignored. I've just got back to the house after being away for a few weeks. I'm planning to come out to him on the way back from a walk to a 24h shop we sometimes go to. We've both got fucked up sleeping patterns and are often both awake at 12-6am, so if it does go horribly wrong we can both go back to our rooms without seeing each other for a while.
Well, the whole thing was horribly awkward. Coming out then would've been social suicide. If he ever was interested he's definitely not interested any more.
Yes, please explain how it was awkward. It may have been awkward because he was hitting on you before, but you didn't respond at all, and now he feels weird about it. Or, maybe he met someone while you were gone. Please tell us more about what happened. But anyway, you should still come out to him. And the girls you live with, too, since it is obviously an accepting environment.
Well, his mood varies a lot. Sometimes he'll spend 48 hours locked inside his room without sleeping, only leaving to answer the door to a pizza delivery guy or use the toilet. If anyone knocks on his door when he's in this state he just ignores them. When he's in this kind of mood he's really laconic if you talk to him, like single word answers. Other times he's really friendly and talkative. He was in a low mood when I was going to speak to him last night. He didn't want to talk about anything, so I didn't come out or ask him out. There's something not quite right about him and I think he has a narcissistic side. His friendly facade has fallen a few times to show something not very pleasant. One time someone dared reply "meh" to one of his long demanding emails he sends to something he's involved with on campus and he flipped out and started saying that "he's finished" and "he won't make it to the end of the week" and began frantically contacting everyone else in the group to manipulate them into kicking this guy out. As i'm typing this the girls we lived with last year are moving out. They've knocked on his door about 5 times to say goodbye and he's ignored them every time. They're now trying to phone him and he's ignoring that as well. I know he's awake and here because I could hear him earlier and his shoes are still here. One of these girls was absolutely glued to him, so i'm pretty surprised he's even ignoring her. I've known a lot of narcissistic people and they've always reacted with horror and disgust to any kind of emotional connection. I mean he doesn't even send people birthday cards because "they're pointless". I don't think he's met anyone else. He doesn't socialise much and i've never seen him hang around with any gay friends. I doubt he's had a normal relationship before and has probably only had casual hookups. He's probably not a good choice. I can imagine him just randomly dropping someone without caring at all. Everyone's moving out now and he's failed the year, so I won't have to see him again anyway.
