Hi, My other problem, following on from yesterday's quandary, is this. I am 32, and I have found myself really attracted to a couple of younger men- one early 20s and one mid 20s. I have been in a relationship with someone over 10 years older than me for a number of years until recently, but I am worried about seeming like some kind of dirty old man, preying on younger blokes. Am I being paranoid? I don't know.
I personally am attracted to women who are 10-15 yrs older than myself. I also dated a woman who was 19 yrs older. It was not at all weird for us. So if you're both comfortable and mutually attracted, why not?
I should have said that I have a stepdaughter who I have brought up for the past 10 years who is now 18, so I am worried that this would also make it seem weird if I was to ask anyone younger than me out.
We'll be dirty old men together. I don't think you'll be seen that way. I'm certain that there are guys in their 20's who are firm about dating their exact age; but, there are people at our age (32 - 34) who date at a range from mid-twenties to our age.
It's not too creepy, I'm 22 and I usually date guys closer to my age, but if the guy was a good match for me it wouldn't be bad if he was 10 years older.
I don't think it is bad at all. It is not like you are dating a teenager. I think there is no problem with guys in their 20's dating guys in their 30's. As we get older, age difference is not that big of a deal if both sides are fine with it.
Folks, I'm going to rain on your parade. If you're talking mid-to-later 20s and up, that's one thing. If you're talking anything below 24 or 25, it's likely to be problematic. The reason is the power dynamic. In order for a relationship to be healthy, it has to have balance. Now that can shift back and forth in different ways; for example, an older guy who may have more money but the younger one is in very worldly and practical and owns his business or something. So the younger one, while not as financially well off, is nonetheless very capable and self-sufficient, knows what he's after, the older one has more money, but perhaps is more reserved or something. That can be an ok balance. But that balance is almost impossible when there's an age difference where the younger person is under 23 or 24, and the older is 30 or more, because most people under 24 aren't established career wise, don't have a lot of money, don't have a lot of world experience, and likely aren't even sure where they fit in the world yet. So the tendency will be to lean on the older person in one or all ways. If that starts happening, then the relationship is unbalanced and ends up being unhealthy for both people, but particularly for the younger person. When you have an intimate partner, your intimate partner should not be a mentor or caretaker, otherwise that really messes with the dynamics. And some younger people instinctively seek out the older person... whether they realize it or not, to take care of them on some level, most often because they're seeking a father figure they never had or didn't connect well with. Which is a particularly bad combination. I know somebody's going to say "Oh, but this one is particularly worldly and mature." Yes, there are 1 in a thousand like that. But likely as not, the one you have isn't. So please, if you really care about this younger person... don't enter into a relationship with him, because to do so will likely fuck him up emotionally. And if you care... that should be the last thing you want to do. By the way, I used to say that this issue was a bigger problem with gay relationships than with lesbian ones, but the more I've been reading the research, talking, and understanding, the more I tend to believe it is just as bad, if not worse, a problem for lesbians as it is for gay men.
I think some of it depends on where you both are in life--some gay people get a little bit stalled emotionally because of being repressed or closeted, and this can carry over into other parts of your life, including career and everything. And of course, people can be delayed for other reasons, as well. If he's a bit ahead of things and you are a bit behind, it might be okay. I think mid-twenties, you're probably fine, but early twenties is a little bit of a stretch. This is all about whether a relationship can work or is a good idea, though. I don't think there is anything bad about you for being attracted to them.
"Folks, I'm going to rain on your parade. If you're talking mid-to-later 20s and up, that's one thing. If you're talking anything below 24 or 25, it's likely to be problematic. The reason is the power dynamic. But that balance is almost impossible when there's an age difference where the younger person is under 23 or 24, and the older is 30 or more, because most people under 24 aren't established career wise, don't have a lot of money, don't have a lot of world experience, and likely aren't even sure where they fit in the world yet. So the tendency will be to lean on the older person in one or all ways. If that starts happening, then the relationship is unbalanced and ends up being unhealthy for both people, but particularly for the younger person. When you have an intimate partner, your intimate partner should not be a mentor or caretaker, otherwise that really messes with the dynamics. So please, if you really care about this younger person... don't enter into a relationship with him, because to do so will likely fuck him up emotionally. And if you care... that should be the last thing you want to do." I have quoted the sections of the previous post which I think are most relevant here. I don't see it as "raining on a parade" at all. My whole take on everything is that I am looking for the long term love and relationship thing, not just some random sexual fling, so your observations about dynamics are really important. Sadly for me, I have recognised and nodded a few times at particular points made, when thinking back to my own relationship with someone a lot older, so I fully take on board the concerns you raise. I do care about this guy, but I am old and wise enough not to say I have "fallen in love " with him. I suppose that I am finding now that I am able to develop friendships with people, and as my youthful desire to have sex with as many men as possible is thankfully long gone, I suppose maybe I should channel my energies into meaningful friendships. Of course I want to say "but he is so worldly and mature", but as that statement was once applied to me, I can see the ways in which that in itself should not be a reason to go ahead. By the way, this guy has no idea how I feel, as I have been very conscious of not showing my feelings.
Im 23 and find myself attracted to most 19 year olds, and I find that creepy lol. Do you guys agree? But im going on a date this evening with someone who is 27 and adorabubble. Who knows.....
I don't think it is creepy. You would be only 4 years older and both adults. If you said under 18, than that would be creepy.
Okay, I am playing devils advocate a bit with myself here. What if in terms of circumstances, both myself and younger guy were in the position of being students? Only difference would be that I have (a bit of) money in the bank, and a more miles on the clock. In terms of career and progression, would we be on the same standing? I think I know the answer to this, so I may be clutching at straws here....
you arent a dirty old man at all haha. they guys are in 20's.... not teens! its okay lol, age shouldnt matter anyway. as far as your step daughter is concerned, its not like they guys are 18, so they are older than her lol
It's not creepy.. I'm 19 and my boyfriend is almost 25. (well, at least I hope that's not creepy lol) ---------- Post added 30th Jun 2012 at 01:11 AM ---------- I think that would work better than if you had already established a career, but even if you're still a student, you'll likely have a way better knowledge of yourself and of what you want to achieve in life through all those years of study (and possibly internships and stuff). I'm not saying it can't work out, as I know a few people in relationships with even bigger age gaps than this one, but I do think that this one (hypothetical?) difference is not of enough significance to really change the dynamics of the relationship.
I actually think the money in the bank imbalances things a bit, as does your life experience. Maybe it would be best if you just try to be friends for now. In a few years, when he's a bit more mature, it might be able to work out, if both of you are free. I don't necessarily think the age gap in itself in insurmountable, I just think it might be too soon. If you've taken on a mentorship role with him, though, it will be difficult to shift that into a healthy peer relationship. You got into your relationship with your wife at about the same age he is now, right? It's possible that some part of you wants to reestablish a relationship with similar dynamics, because that's what you're used to. But it might not be the healthiest thing. I think that there was clearly some imbalance in the relationship between you and your wife. Even now, she seems to think it's okay to get rid of some of your stuff without talking to you about it. Also, it may be possible that, since it is the end of that relationship with your wife, you kind of want to go back and pick up where you left off. But of course, it doesn't work like that. A lot of life happened to you in the last 10 years. You helped raise a child. You and your wife suffered a tragedy when she miscarried. This is big life stuff, so you can't just go back to carefree college days as if nothing ever happened.
