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Advice needed

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by JR08, Jun 28, 2012.

  1. JR08

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Northern Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Okay, so my best female friends told me she has feelings for me and I have no idea how to respond. I'm not ready to tell her I'm gay, however she is one of the few people that I can actually talk to about serious things and will probably be the first person I come out to. That is once I have fully accepted it myself.

    So how do I respond to her, I don't want to tell her I'm gay yet, but I also need her as a friend and really need to be able to talk to her about things happening in my life. Am I just being selfish not wanting to tell her I have no feelings and us dating could never happen, knowing she will probably not want to be as close, for a little while at least, when she is getting over her feelings for me?

    Anybody ever dealt with a situation like this?
     
  2. bob94

    Full Member

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    I would just tell her that you love her, but not like that. Just tell her that you don't see her in that way (maybe tell her that she's like a sister to you).

    I've never been in a situation exactly like that, but I have a really close friend who I've been friends with for years. People were always telling me that I should date her, and I would just tell them that I don't see her like that because she's like a sister to me (which is actually true). Saying that she was like my sister usually got them to back down pretty quickly.
     
  3. timo

    Full Member

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    I've been in a situation like this. One of my close female friends told me she had feelings for me. Like you I didn't want to come out yet (at the time I had just accepted I'm gay), so I told her I really like her as a friend but not love her "like that", and that I just wanted to stay friends. Of course she felt a bit down about it and the first two or three weeks after were a bit awkward when we saw each other, but we're still really good friends. One having feelings doesn't have to kill the friendship, not at all.
     
  4. dano22

    dano22 Guest

    I had a situation like this and I was not comfortable coming at all. This girl I was kind of friends with said that we get along well and because I am nice to her we are meant to be together. She than asked me out and I told her I was not interested. She than questioned why I was not interested in her and that she thinks we are meant to be. I told her that is personal and she almost forced me to tell her what was going on. I just refused to tell her anything and even though she keep making moves on me one time she tried seducing me and that was traumatic to a gay man. Although she kept trying to pursue me it got better in time and she left it alone. If I told this girl I was gay knowing her personality she would've outed me in a few minutes.
     
  5. Deaf Not Blind

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    Try not to say I think of you as a sister, I have heard it stays in the mind as a real hurt.
    If you don't love someone, you don't love someone, guy or girl, makes no difference. So I should assume nobody you didn't like before liked you. If you have been talking for hours near daily, opening up to her deep things personal, yeah she will get closer to you, that is nature. Talk is a form of intimacy.

    If you are planning to use a person as a sounding board, to dump emotions on, to ask advise of, or to have someone to listen to you, or any other similar reason, what do they get in return? Does she get to say the same kinds of things back, does she need to? If you feel unstable, and NEED her to help you gain stability (she can see that...but she evidently thinks it is because you feel close to her) you are using her for what you want out of her if you refuse to tell her why she is bing used as a free psychiatrists couch, if you are telling her all your sorrows.

    If you are just sometimes sad, and mad, but usually hanging out having fun with her, and both of you hang out too much as friends, just have a bigger group of friends not just one person.

    This is the most negative thing on this thread I'm sure, but I want to help you see all possible motives inside you and the worst, not just best. :slight_smile: Hope that helps not hurts.