I'm writing here because I do not have many people to turn to. I am getting ready to come out to my close friends, and in fact have already told one person, and my therapist is aware of where I'm at. Living overseas makes it really difficult, and most of my friends have young families and are busy so it is not easy to find enough time. The last week has been very tough. I have been overwhelmed with emotion. I have had such a difficult year at work in a new job and I know I am feeling a sense of release from this as I start a long summer holiday. Tomorrow, I am going on holiday for two and a half weeks and I am pretty scared about it as I feel like I am falling apart. I am going alone but will be on a yoga retreat for the first week. My friend told me it is not abnormal to cry during yoga but I can't bear having to be around strangers feeling sorry for me and I am not ready to tell the truth of my anguish to strangers. My rational mind reminds me that I am so very tired and that with sleep I will feel better. Up until now I have been optimistic that I can get through this but when I feel this low it is hard to imagine how. I have so much pain to recover from. Twenty years of stuffed emotions and of denying my feelings. The place I am in now is ugly, and I am tired of being here all by myself. I'm sorry for such a miserable post. As I said first of all, I do not have many people to turn to. I am aware of placing too much on my one friend who knows. In any case, she is in a very different time zone all summer and communication is not very easy. Rose
Hi Rose, Thank you for sharing what you been going through. First of all, I want to let you know I am proud of you that you STOP living a life where you are denying who you are. I want to let you know that being in a state of optimism and moods in general goes through a cycle. I consider myself a pretty happy going guy, but it's a cycle and I simply allow myself to drown in my emotions when it flows through me. I just want to comment on your statement that "...I can't bear having to be around strangers feeling sorry for me and I am not ready to tell the truth of my anguish to strangers." It is natural for people to want to help/assist when they sense this kind of energy and people help because it's genetics (E.g. If you see a child drowning in a lake won't you dive in and try your best to save the child?). Empower yourself by allowing people to listen, and give you a shoulder to lean on. If you're not ready for that yet, share on EC bc that's what we do best here - help one another. So smile and share on~
Thank you Squally89, This forum is so supportive. You are right about people's natural desire to help. If my fears of being upset in front of strangers are realised then I will try to be open to any support I receive! I often feel disproportionate amounts of shame and embarrassment and care far too much about what people think. This is because I carry a deep fear of abandonment. I am so keen to really 'live' and am putting pressure on myself to do the right thing and make the most of opportunities that come my way. But I am exhausted. Today I have a lot to attend to in preparation for going away but all I want to do is wallow in my self-pity. Thank you for reminding me that these kinds of feelings come in waves. I cannot imagine that I will feel like this forever but I am so tired of walking alone.
Hi Rose Sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time.You sound like you realize that you need to start coming out and living your life for you,and that is a great start to get you on your way. If you are a long way away from alot of your family/friends,i wonder if you could gain alot of confidence by starting to live openly where"no one" knows you,then gradually let longer distance people know when you can get a one on one talk with them. As stated above,if anyone offers any help or support or even just someone to talk to,step out of your comfort zone and open up a bit,the more you come out to supportive people,the less it matters if you happen to find a homophobe and lose the odd friend. I was older than you when i came out,but believe me,if i knew how much it would have changed my life for the better i would have done it years earlier.I found that one advantage of coming out a little older is that people are more mature and to wrapped up in thier own lives to to worry who you are attracted to,they dont actually care. Good luck and keep us updated.
Thank you csm123, I am feeling a little calmer. Last night I was preparing an email to send to two close friends but I decided not to send it as there is not the appropriate time needed for follow up phone calls before I go away. I feel like I am ready to come out to a few more close friends (at least to take the pressure off my one friend who knows) because I need the support BUT whilst I am feeling so low it is hard to know what to do for the best. I know I am close... I think patience is in order. I will be back in the UK for two weeks at the end of July. Maybe there will be an opportunity to talk then. My therapist has been on holiday for the last two weeks and I go on holiday tomorrow eve. Hopefully I will be able to speak to her on monday, if not then during the second week of my holiday (we meet via skype). I now feel less anxiety about going away and will try to embrace my experience! Oh, and I believe you csm123 when you say you would have come out years earlier had you known... I nearly came out at 21 and 25 but could not do it. I am so happy to hear that your life has changed for the better since coming out. How long did it take for you to become comfortable with yourself? Thanks again, Rose
Rose, I have been following your post and am very pleased to hear you are feeling a bit better before setting off on your holiday. I have never met you (as far as I know) but feel I can tell by the tone of your latest email that you have the strength to come out to some more friends when the time is right. From my own experience, you will very likely be pleasantly surprised how supportive your friends are. Karl
Hello Rose. Sorry to hear you were having trouble but glad you're feeling better. I've dealt with terrible social anxiety for most of my life. I've recently come to terms with the fact that I am indeed bi-sexual and I can no longer deny it. My anxiety is getting in the way of me coming clean with my family and friends. I know how you feel. I don't particularly think much of my family would be very supportive either.. maybe only my aunt and my sister, I believe. As for my friends, I think only a few there too. I'll follow this thread and I hope to see things going well for you still.
Thank you all for continued support! Exgon big well done for making the steps you have. It is huge! Can you describe what you are most anxious about? Starting to open up a little may help to alleviate some of the anxiety you are feeling. The reality is often a lot less scary than what we conjure up inside of our minds. Social anxiety is not fun. You do not give many details but maybe there is a connection to your sexuality and how you feel about yourself? Without knowing more details, I can still give you my hope that this is something you can work on with time. My own goal is to work towards being at peace with myself and to make the most of my life. It is a journey and I take things one day at a time... Deep down I think I figured out my sexuality in my teens but I somehow managed to convince myself it was not true. Falling in love with men twice helped to cement my 'chosen' path but I was not happy. Not fulfilled. I stayed in an unhappy relationship for over ten years. In my teens, my parents were warring with each other and not there for me and my brother. My brother was very cruel towards me and I stuffed my emotions. As I work trough the process of accepting myself I am also healing from a lot of damage caused in my adolescence and also through my twenties. Some of the damage was caused by those who love me, most was caused by me. Alcohol addiction is in my family, and whilst I have deliberately avoided this path I have this year developed an eating disorder. Now I know that I won't get better from this until I start feeling the stuffed emotions. I am SO motivated though. I believe that there will be happier times ahead. I believe it for me and for others going through the same struggle. Best, Rose
Hi Rose! You and I are the same age. But I repressed everything sexual and married before I figured myself out. Now I have four kids and I have to figure out how to exit my marriage in the kindest way possible. At least you are not leaving a wake of destruction like that behind you! It sounds like youre on the right path. And can I say that I'm totally jealous of you being in Zurich?
Hey Rose, im not sure I can be much help but just wanted to say im sorry you are going through a tough time, but I truely believe that you have the inner strength to make it this time and to come out, and then things will start looking up. We believe in you.
