I've always thought that being gay is never a problem. If someone doesn't accept me for who I am I DONT GIVE A SH*T, it's their problem, not mine. But the past few days I took a brief glance on how I have "improved" since highschool to college up to now, how I perform in school, how I socialize and how I am as a son. There's one thing that is always there: my strive to getting better. You may think it's perfectly normal since everyone wants to become good in everything they do. But what shocked me most was when I asked myself "WHY?". I then realize it's because I'm GAY. The truth is my subconscious "GIVES A SH*T" about what people think. I should be smarter for them not to see me as "GAY only" but also smart. I had to be MOST finesse to earn respect. I had to prove them WRONG of the stereotypes. I had to be good in socializing to have friends. I had to be a responsible son in order to fill-in that disappointment my father feels. The list of trying to prove my worth list could go on and on. IT'S TIRING REALLY, I cried so hard last night thinking that it's never easy being me. When you're a straight guy, you can suck in school, you can be stupid and have friends, you can bring home any disappointments and still make your dad proud. When is this going to end? I'm tired proving my worth. Thanks for reading my post, I'm thankful I'm a part of this family. Gives me a place to express my sadness and frustrations. Hoping to hear advice form you guys.
No! It's not because you're gay. It's because you think that you HAVE TO do all those things. Why is your father disappointed? Is it because you're gay or is it because he won't have grandchildren? Anyway, don't put too much pressure on yourself. You are no different than a straight person, except for your sexual orientation. You don't have to prove anything, you don't have to prove that the stereotyping is wrong. THEY have to realize that by themselves.
I agree--you don't have to prove anything to anyone, including yourself! You know you're a smart, awesome, friendly person who's so much more than 'just gay," remember that! Don't belittle yourself or be too hard on yourself. If you're feeling like you're trying too hard, just let things be for a while and see the difference. You'll be just fine! (*hug*)
I hear what you are saying! For me though I do it all to prove something to myself more than for others. I made quite a conscious decision as a teenager to push myself and I have.... Like you I'm tired out now, but I'm still in the closet. What I want to say is you can't change what others think of you. Have the courage to be just you. You are ENOUGH! It is so helpful to respond to you because it reminds me of the very things I need to remember for myself. Totally in support of you being enough the way you are Rose
There is a great book that deals with everything that you are just realizing. Its called the Velvet Rage and it is truly an amazing book and I feel every gay man can benefit from reading it. I just got my copy and I am taking my time reading it because every chapter is so mind blowing. I feel this book could bring you a better understanding of how and why we do some of the things we do.
Night Rain, Thanks for the concern. But I think a gay son is a disappointment to any father since it hurts their masculinity. They would rather still have a straight son, if you know what I mean. Noir, I can't just let things happen without trying to control the situation. There's something so strong within me that pushes me to fight and prove these people wrong. I can't help it. ---------- Post added 1st Jul 2012 at 11:38 PM ---------- "YOU ARE ENOUGH." This almost made me cry Rose. Thanks for saying this, sometimes no matter how hard I try to tell myself that I am ENOUGH, it doesn't work, my heart won't accept it. I guess hearing it from someone else makes a difference. Adhawk. Will sure check on that, I love reading books so thanks for suggesting.
I know. I'm not out to my family, but I am the one who feels that way now and not my family. I guess that was what everyone here felt, that they were ashamed of being the disappointment to the family. I can't give them any children. I can't make them proud when homosexuality is still frowned upon. I'm not even sure they would understand me. I know it's not my fault that I am who I am. But still, I am their son, and I want to make them happy. I can't change their mindset. So I know that feeling. I feel even worse. I want to change things too. I want to change everyone's opinion. I don't have to do that, I choose to, and I don't have to do that alone, there are other people like us out there. So you're not alone. Don't try to do everything on your own. You'll tire yourself out. I believe, in time, people will understand we are the ones who feel depressed and disappointed. They are disappointed when we are under tremendous pressure from their disappointment than they ever feel, and the yearning for acceptance and it's not even our fault. In time, they will realize that the disappointment was uncalled for, and they were wrong to even feel that way. Just live and show them that you are as normal as they are. If possible, show them you are a good person, too. No proving is needed. Their own experience will be the proof itself. I know it's easier said than done. You can begin by let loose. Do something you like (singing, playing an instrument,...). You can make your dad proud by many ways. You don't need to do well at school, but if you have the potential, then why not? Just don't overwork yourself. I once faced your problems. I put too much pressure on myself. I told myself, I had to do this, had to make this much money to take care of my family, to buy a house, and we would not have too worry, my mother wouldn't complain about debts anymore,... I was really depressed because I had to be a completely different person to do all that. I had to put aside all my dreams,... But now I feel much better. Happiness doesn't come from our goals. Happiness is when a day passes by and we did what we want, we feel content and have tomorrow to continue doing what we want. Happiness is not a goal itself. Happiness is a progress. So now I do what I want, learn what I like, spend money I made to buy stuffs I want (some people feel that I waste money on silly things, but I like it and it serves its purpose, so to me, it's worth every buck). I may never save enough to buy a house but what good does a house do when I have to spend most of my life living miserably to save and buy one? And after that? A short period of time to enjoy my life when I'm old as :***:and then die. I hope you get what I say. Don't think you have to do all those things. You have every right to enjoy your every day. People will understand. Don't push it though. Later in life, you can offer your help to advance the LGBT rights, with many at your side. You don't have do it alone.
I can kind of relate to this. But you need to realize, you are doing those things for YOU. Regardless of what other people think or say... you need to keep reminding yourself that you are worth every single penny your hard work receives. You are the type of person who goes "above and beyond" expectations. Don't ever think that it's a bad thing to do. In fact, wear it with pride... be proud of your accomplishments, with or without other peoples' judgement. You're paving your destiny... a path to a brighter future! about your father... have you ever had a conversation with him? I highly doubt he doesn't like you. He MIGHT be upset about you being gay, but he's learning to accept it, i'm sure he still considers you a great son. Because you've done nothing wrong... See how it pays off? just continue doing what you're doing and good things will happen... i guarantee it!
