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Tolerance vs Acceptance

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Mohawke13, Jun 30, 2012.

  1. Mohawke13

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi, so I'm new to the forum...I just joined because this issue's been bothering me for weeks now so I figured I'd try to get some advice.

    Within the past 3 or 4 years, I've been progressively coming out to my family members. I was never ignored, no one stopped talking to me, and for the most part, I was still treated the same after I came out. However, most of my family acts as though I never told them I was gay and do everything they can to avoid the subject entirely. I managed to get the conversation going with one of my cousins only to find that apparently he and many of my other family members believe in treating me the same, but they aren't supportive of my being gay, they believe I'm doomed to go to hell unless I change, and they have no plans on acknowledging my "lifestyle". This means, they would not attend any marriage ceremony I had, nor would they acknowledge a potential boyfriend I might have or visit the home of my potential future partner and me.

    Now my cousins claim that they have no problem talking to me, having a good time, etc, but for me, it really hurts knowing that so many of my family members are basically only tolerating me because I am family, not accepting me for who I am. Should I just get over it and be grateful for the fact they haven't disowned me entirely? (Although, I have yet to tell my parents and most of my aunts and uncles, so that possibility still remains) Does anyone have any advice that I could use to try talking my cousins towards acceptance? (though I have tried a lot already) Any help would be appreciated.
     
  2. PurpleCrab

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    The way I see/ read your situation you are in a dead-end that's slowly eating your morals down. There is no easy way out since obviously your family isn't ready to really be more open minded and that's their fight, not yours.

    I see one way out though and that would be to put some (more) physical distance between you and them. It doesn't mean you don't love them or that they don't love you, but you need a more healthy climate around you to really bloom in your life; what about a bigger city where you already may have a friend or two; a LGBT community would welcome you as their own and you would feel the familial love surround you. I think that'd be best, that is, if you can achieve it without too much harm.
    Lots of people do that you know... and they find a treasure in friends, make their own chosen family with people that love them for who they are and understand.

    I sort of did that too but it wasn't really just for my sexual orientation. It was me feeling like I was chocking in this little town where I was raised. I never regretted leaving and now my mom moved recently to join us.

    Good luck to you!!
     
  3. TheEdend

    TheEdend Guest

    Welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    It is a hard situation to be in, but as far as your cousins go I would just let it go for now. While simply being tolerated isn't the best feeling out there, it is a step in the right direction for them. Hopefully with time they will see that you haven't changed at all, that you are happy and they will finally get that it isn't a big deal.

    What does help is having a support group to help you out through out the whole thing. Have you considered going to an LGBT support group near you? Maybe a GSA at your school?

    If anything, you have us to vent to and befriend. I know its tough, but you are going in the right direction. Just take baby steps to get there :slight_smile:
     
  4. Mohawke13

    Regular Member

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    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thanks for the advice! I am going away for school soon so I'm hoping that might help the situation a bit. I was part of a LGBT group at my college but everyone has moved away so we don't maintain contact as often anymore. I'll try to keep a positive attitude around them until I move away. Hopefully the time away will help a bit..