This is going to be long, but I'm in a tricky situation and I'd be very appreciative of anyone who takes the time to help me with this issue. I'm turning 18 on monday, and I wasn't planning on doing anything to celebrate it except going for a meal with my Mum who I haven't seen a lot lately because she's been working and my sister, who I haven't seen in ages because she moved across town. But one of my friends called me just now and made me agree to go round his house during the day for a few hours. Here's the problem; I don't exactly enjoy being around him or his friends. We're very different people and we have barely anything in common. Honestly we were friends by association until eventually we'd known each other for too long and I was stuck being his friend. He likes to drink and does a lot of drugs; I've never done anything in terms of drugs and the only times I've been drunk I haven't enjoyed it and regretted it for ages afterwards. What's more, on the occasions I have been drunk, he was there and kind of pressured me into it. He's known me for a very long time and knows how to get me to do things that I don't want to do my abusing that knowledge. He plays on my insecurities, emotionally blackmails me and kinda vaguely hints at telling people things about me (the fact I'm gay, the fact that I have some mental issues, etc). The last time I spoke to him was over 9 months ago; he convinced me to go to the pub on one of his friends birthday and then kept buying me drinks when I (purposefully) ran out of money because 'I'm hilarious when I'm drunk'. Since then I've been able to get out of everything by telling him that I'm studying for my A-Levels (he dropped school at 16 and lives about 20 mins bus away so we don't see each other unless it's organised). Now that excuse is gone I couldn't get out of going on monday because I wasn't prepared with an excuse when he called (he knows that I can't think under pressure because of my social anxieties) and he just steamrollered over everything I said and just arranged when we'd be meeting. Here are the main problems with going to his house -His girlfriend and room mate will be there, neither of whom I know, both of whom share his personality. I don't want to have a convocation with them or spend my birthday with them. -He said on the phone that he wants to get me drunk. I do not want to but when we were talking and I firmly refused he ended with 'we'll see'. -I don't want to go, but I can't get out of it now and if I just don't go then he'll either come to my house (which will be worse) or he'll start working me over emotionally. -He will probably bring up the last time he saw me, something that I don't want to think or talk about because I said some VERY stupid things, the exact extent of which I do not know. Being the closed of person I am, the feeling of powerlessness I felt when I was drunk was the worst thing I've ever experienced. I know that I will not be in any danger, but I also know that it'll be an extremely uncomfortable situation and I'm just at a loss about what to do. Any advice would be appreciated but I should note that 'just tell him you don't want to go' is not a viable option.
ive been in a similar situation and i got out of it eventually. (*hug*) do you have another fiend you could just bring to his house with you who you get on with so you will have some form of comfort while you are there? if that makes sense. i know its rude t just bring people uninvited but he is blackmailing you and friends dont do that, plus you dont enjoy his company. your friend if you take one will back you up when he offers you drinks, so you arent all alone feeling so rubbish. you could also if he keeps on and on about drinking just scream the place down saying something like just stop, if you were my friend you would respect my decisions and walk out of his house. sometimes things like that make people realise that you cant be walked over anymore. you could pretend youre ill or go somewhere on your own for the day, idk.... anywhere lol a park or museum or something so he wont come over to your house, switch off your phone also so he wont contact you. also. if you do end up going, the day after send him an email or text explaining what he is doing to you and that you cant put up with it anymore. it may or may not cause an argument but dont back out of the argument because then he has one, say your piece and stick to it and dont back down. after all it wont be face to face, so it might be easier for you. your friendship doesnt sound healthy at all. these type of people are horrible and it sounds awful but an experience like this helped me stand up for myself in the end till i literally couldnt take it anymore. so it wasnt all doom and gloom, i got something out of it in the end. hope you have a good birthday despite your plans
So this situation is tricky and I have been in similar situations. In my opinion I think you should not go to his house. Instead I think calling and explaining on the phone would be much safer. You need to tell him the truth and you need to sound confident. Sounding confident will increase your chances of him getting the point. Tell him those kind of things are not the things that you want to get involved in. And the most reliable choice is to give him reasons why you would be a bad friend and how you would bring him down. And you tell him that so he will think it is a good idea to not be friends. Your reasons dont have to be true but they might help. Sorry I couldn't help more this was a tricky situation. I hope it works out.
I would actually disagree and say that you might be in danger. Alcohol may be seen as a socially acceptable drug, but the fact of the matter is that it is one of the most dangerous ones out there, especially if no one else around is sober or otherwise able to act responsibly. There are two main options that I can see, though I'm sure there are others. One is to try to meet him somewhere else that will be more comfortable for you and at least make the situation a bit less dangerous. If you, say, agree to meet him for lunch, then even if he gets you drunk, you will be in a public place with a more or less defined end point for the meeting. This puts you in greater control of the situation and makes it easier to get out if something goes wrong. The second is to outright refuse to meet him and cut off your association with him. If he's willing to emotionally blackmail you, he is the sort of person you do not want around. It isn't healthy for you and will exacerbate your anxiety. In the long run this is really the only good option, but I acknowledge that it won't be easy to do. If he will out you, then you can preempt him somewhat by coming out in person. Will you be going away for university/college? (I forgot how exactly the British system works.) If so, that will be the best time to get rid of him. Overall, the sooner you no longer have to deal with him, the better.
You could always call him and sound upset because you are going to have to postpone meeting him,just say that you have just found out that your mum and sister have made some surprise plans for your birthday.Simply say you cannot let them down now they have spent money organizing things.
Thanks for all the suggestions guys (*hug*) (I've edited your replies down a bit so this post won't be ridiculously long) I don't really have many friends; there are a few people that I would actually like to see but they either have jobs or are in the year bellow and haven't finished 6th form yet. This seems effective but there's no way I could do it. I'm severally lacking in confidence and I have problems with repressing anger, the result of which is I haven't screamed since I was 4. If I find a way out of it then I'll defiantly do this. I think this is a good idea, though I doubt he'd believe me. I'm not a good liar at all, and I might have a hard time convincing him. Though it is an option I think this is a good suggestion but he would be able to get around it. He would start talking about my low self esteem and how the only way to get over it is to hang out with him more. I think if anything meeting him somewhere else would result in him pushing alcohol more than at his house. If I suggest this then he will automatically suggest some pub or bar and I don't really have anywhere else to suggest as a counter. You're right, and this I am defiantly going to do (I've been making excuses not to meet him for a while but I do think I need to cut off contact) University starts in September and hopefully I'll be moving to a city 5 hours from London. Even when I come back for holidays, my Mum and her boyfriend are buying a house together, and I would be living there during holidays; at the moment we live in West London and I would be moving to North London; the tube doesn't have a direct route from west to north so we'd be hours appart. I think that I will cut him off. The distance will make it easier and I'm getting a new phone soon and am considering not giving him the number and also downgrading his privileges on Facebook.
Hi, just reading through the long and varied posts. Firstly, it sounds like you've had some difficult times, but you should congratulate yourself on having been offered a place at Uni, and a whole new chapter of life to look forward to, relatively soon. This "friend" sounds intensely jealous of your ability to overcome difficulties you have had, and appears from what you say to be hell bent on trying to sabotage your plans for your birthday, by hinting at outing you??? Wow, you don't need enemies with friends like that around! As hard as it will be, my advice is exactly the same as others previously on here. Contact him to say you won't be coming on Monday, and spend the time celebrating with your Mum and Sister. Having been in a similar position at the same age myself, let me reassure you as someone older (but by no means any wiser!) that you will make friends at Uni, support is in place if you need it around past issues, and to be honest, it is probably the most accepting place in the world to come out. Stonewall have recently published a report on UK Unis, and how they welcome and support LGBT students. Maybe look on their www to check out the Uni you are hoping to go to. Finally, many happy returns for Monday!!
I know this may sound harsh, but it doesnt sound as though you enjoy your friendship with him at all, so just dont turn up, dont contact him, turn your phone off/block him and go do whatever you want to do on you birthday. Sometimes the best way to deal with unpleasant people is just to cut them off, dont give them the opportunity to pressure you or manipulate you. Happy birthday btw!
You could look something else, like a cafe or restaurant, up. Even if you do go to a bar, the key thing is to find a place that's easier to duck out of than his house. It's just a thought, but I would strongly recommend that you don't go to his house by yourself. Is there any chance you could let your mother, sister, or other relative in on what's going on? It's a little embarrassing for sure, but if one of them were to magically decide that you absolutely had to, say, go shopping with them for the entire day, you could honestly tell him that you have family obligations, getting you out of the situation.
Just dump him. Tell him you're breaking up with him ( haha) and cut all communication. Do what if he and his friends don't think well of you. He is no friend.
Okay, I just texted him to get out of it. I made up an excuse, but it is based in fact. He replied back I have no idea what friday is but I sure as hell know I'm not going to it. I'll probably do something like flyinhernikes suggested on my birthday before I go and see my Mum and Sister. Thanks for the advice guys
Good! In the future I would recommend that you don't suggest rescheduling. When you do, you send mixed signals to your friend. It undermines the effect of you avoiding him by suggesting that you do want to meet with him after all.
