Learn to be Lonely

I haven't felt this way in a long time - totally disconnected. Even as I sit here typing this I can't help but feel I'm the only person sitting alone on a couch while the world is out partying.

My friend Marco, who has been a good friend for almost a year, seems different. Everything I do is put down as stupid. Or gay. Normally we screw around and call each other pejorative nicknames, but lately, these have come in more frequency. We'll just be standing around and he'll say something like "you're a bitchass". I don't mind it really its just words, but its the thought and frequency behind it. Every other thing I do is "gay" to him, I feel like I walk on egg shells with how I phrase things so he doesnt take it the wrong way.

Yesterday, we smoked in my bathroom. The whole time he was on facebook on my computer making plans with people, barely saying a word to me.

To keep it contained, I kept the door closed as much as possible. But when he started taking his time coming out of the bathroom I ushered him out and started to close it while apparently the fat of his arm got caught in the door. He hit me in the arm and then proceeded to leave the door open for spite. He just walked out of my house without saying a word and even though I called after him he kept walking.

So great. You come over my house for a quick light up (while I've been lighting your broke ass up twice in the last week), make plans and then find an excuse to cut out? I feel a little used and annoyed that he couldn't at least take the time to tell me to fuck off. Instead, he left without a word.

It hurts because I saw him as such a good friend, but now it feels like he just looks down on me. He went on vacation recently - the day he was leaving I was on my phone and he grabbed it out of my hand, I struggled with him to take it back and he comes out with "I really HATE you my nigga"...in the kind of voice that I could only muster up for someone who really gets under my skin.


I'm not sure who my real friends are any more. A once very good friend of mine, "Jack" doesn't answer my calls or texts, although he found time to call me asking if we could all go to my upstate house (he just got a new dirt bike and wants to break it in).


I feel like no one gives a shit about what's going on with me. I feel like the friends I have in my life could give two shits less about me and its not like I'm in a position where I can just make a gaggle of new friends at work...easy as that sounds...I just feel so alone. Like everybody that I talk to are shades. Ghosts passing through, but I share no real deep bond with them.

I don't know how to handle it anymore.