Simply put me and two friends are in the midst of working on a band. One friend I have known for very long over 5-6 years and another we met recently from online. As a band we talk very openly about things and my long to,e drummer friend tells me a lot of personal stuff. Now bare in mind I've never even come out to family but I feel like I could tell them anything. I think coming out as bi would also soften any blow it might have rather than saying I'm gay, also I think I am a little bi anyway, cause seeing guys with girls sometimes seems alright to me. Should I do it and tell my long time drummer friend that I'm bi? I feel like I should since the band thing is getting more serious over time. Can anyone give advice on how to come out with best results? Thanks.
The best advice I can give here is not NOT come out as bi if you feel that you are actually gay. You will look back on that decision with embarassment. It's not easier to come out bi, but it is easier and will feel better if you are open and honest. From what you've written ("seeing guys with girls sometimes seems alright to me") leads me to believe that you are, infact, gay. So be honest! That's the whole point of coming out in the first place!
True. I'm worried about getting a bad reaction though, I guess I have to give it some thought. But I feel like it's probably better to do it sooner since we're looking to get serious as a band, work on songs, record, etc. Not many people in my circles is gay so it makes it tricky for me. I feel like the guitarist wouldn't care, but I'm not sure how my long time drummer friend would react, also he's a little bit religious background like me but I'm not sure if that would play into his view of it or if he'd feel weird if I said I'm gay. But I guess it's also about being open. ---------- Post added 1st Jul 2012 at 01:58 PM ---------- I guess I just gotta think of the best way to come out.
I'm just gonna comment on things that stuck out to me. 1) Being bi does not mean seeing guys with girls seems alright. I'm 100%, Kinsey 6, would-never-sleep-with-a-girl gay and I have no problem seeing guys with girls. The difference between being gay and being bi is one has romantic and sexual interest in females, the other doesn't. Be very clear about that distinction. 2) The band getting more serious can be a good motivator, but don't come out for other people. When you come out, you do it for you, or for necessity of circumstances. Don't feel obligated to tell them just because things are getting more serious. Tell them because, since things are getting more serious, you're spending more time together and growing closer... that's a better reason. Doing it for you and so you can be honest with the people close to you. 3) There's no "best way" to come out. Really, use whatever method works best. Doing it in person seems to be preferred, if you can muster the courage to do it face-to-face. But if you can't, e-mail/text/whatever is perfectly fine. The bottom line is with the intent of coming out you just want to let people know that you're gay/bi/whatever. At the end of the day, the method doesn't matter; the message does. A word of advice though: the more of a "no big deal" attitude you can take while you reveal the news, the more likely they'll take the same attitude towards your sexuality. On the other side, turn it into a big deal and they'll probably avoid talking about it for fear of you being uncomfortable with it. Chill is usually better, if you can. 4) Going off the above, and 100% echoing what Taylor said, don't come out as bi if you know you aren't bi. If you're not sure, you could always go with "I like guys" rather than "I'm gay/bi". And really, if you're going to get a bad reaction, I severely doubt you'd get one from being gay but not from being bi. If you're going to get a bad reaction, I'd want to do it being honest. 5) There are a lot of people who don't/didn't know any LGBT people when they came out, myself included. If you hang around here I'm sure you'll see that even more. While having exposure to other LGBT people would probably help people understand, it's not necessary. It's a openness to other/different people that determines acceptance, not "experience around other gay people". 6) Like I said before, the more of a "NBD" attitude you can take, the more likely he'll take the same attitude. Remember: being gay/bi doesn't define you, it's just a part of who you are. And by coming out, all you're doing is choosing to share that piece of info with someone you trust. It's not like your whole life is going to change overnight, so make a mental note to not act like it's as big a deal as it seems sometimes. I've also come out to a couple of very religious friends, one of which I definitely heard effectively damning gays to hell during an argument with someone else. He ended up taking it fine (fine as in I've brought it up since and it's been a comfortable topic). Religion can be an indicator of acceptance... but it isn't the be-all, end-all. Tread with caution, but don't let that deter you too much.
Well as others have mentioned, i do not agree with you coming out as bi if that's not what you are. I think its disrespectful to real bisexual people, you're not seeing it as a real sexuality but instead as an escape route. Its already a problem bisexuals have to deal with because they're not taken seriously when they come out or try to explain what they are, nowadays if you come out as bi people just think you're covering up for being gay or you're trying to feel special or get attention or that you're confused, which is extremely upsetting and degrading to bis. gay people claiming to be bisexual to lessen the blow is not helping and is insensitive to the damage it causes for bisexual people. That said, being straight or gay doesn't mean seeing people of other sexuality together shouldn't seem right to you, that's the whole point of discrimination. You can be gay and perfectly alright with seeing straight couples and vice versa you know? If you're gay come out as gay and be happy as yourself, your friends should accept you for who you are.
Yeah. I've been thinking about it a bit more and that makes sense. Also what BudderMC said about keeping it chill. I was also thinking about how some of the indie bands we are into have gay and bisexual members in the band. For example the frontman of Grizzly Bear is gay, the bassist in Radiohead is bi, etc... But yeah I guess I'll just say I'm into guys and bring it up in some conversation, and if need be I have good examples to gay people that are in bands similar to what we're doing at least as an indie type of band. I do look forward to having this conversation and will wait to do it in person so we could actually talk about it, etc... And part of it is cause as a band we tend to be pretty open and my drummer friend is also pretty open about himself too with religion, quitting drugs, family stuff, etc... We've also made fun of conspiracies in the news and stuff and how weed being illegal is propaganda, etc... I guess the only tricky thing is the right timing but I guess it's something that can be feeled out when it seems right to talk about it.
