a broken hearted ramble.

Hey everyone Not sure how this will turn out, but need to get some stuff off my chest and if anyone has any kind words of advice, it is welcomed with open arms. Thanks. I am a 27 year old lesbian and in a committed relationship with a wonderful woman that unbeknownst to myself loves me incredibly much and treats me with so much love and care. She is great, really. I came out to my parents 2 and a half years ago within a week of meeting her. Something I never thought I would have done. Not to too much of my surprise I was kicked out of their house. I had actually just moved home from out of state, so with no where else to go, her parents took me in. Mind you this is all 1 week into us dating. Talk about u-hauling! 2 months later I had saved up enough money and we have been out on our own since. Happily, together. Sometimes Happily, I should say. Her family is very accepting, her mother, whom I love with all my heart, can be VERY opinionated and blunt and the apple didn't fall too far from the tree. Some of these traits in my gf often strike a nerve with me and I have been known to have quite a temper. I am very mild and meek. I never raise my voice or my hands, but I am the type that will let things build until I break and freak out. The past 2 and a half years have been some of the best, but also some of the worst. I can not deal with the fact that I don't have my mothers approval. My father, freaked out more than my mother, but actually met my gf for the first time the other day and has been taking small steps. Which makes me very happy. My mom though... She has never been to my house, I used to live 10 minutes away... for an entire year. Not once did she express ever wanting to come over. She can't handle most anything. She wants me to keep everything a secret from all my other family members. I have obliged to most of her demands because in the midst of everything my Grandma died out of no where and that was my mothers best friend. My mom can't handle much of anything ever, she tends to avoid conflict, and from what i think has this idea of how things should be and if they aren't that way she will just act as if they are. There has never been a solid foundation in our relationship, we fought more than normal and they were horrible fights. I have never been good enough, and never will be, yet I strive for her approval constantly. Anyone who knows me well, knows my constant battle in my head and heart that centers around my mother. I just can't let it go. I want to have a mother. I just never have, even from the time I was little. Tried to tell her someone tried to rape me at 8 years old and she didn't even console me, just was upset and frazzled and told me I better not be making this up, but never even did anything about it. When you learn that you are on your own at such a young age you isolate yourself from anything and everything you can't trust and I isolated myself from my own mother. She knows she was a horrible mother to me. She has apologized to me for it. We have tried to move on a million times, neither of us can though. Now that I am older I feel like its easier for her to give up than try to mend things. As of right now she hasn't talked to me in over a month probably and for the most ridiculous reason too. I know she loves me and I know she is hurt, and I also know she wishes things were different. She isn't a horrible person, she just probably shouldn't have ever became a mom. I don't know, I guess this is one big ramble that I am going to submit before even editing, so I apologize. I just need advice. Advice on how I can heal my heart. I am tired of this weight dragging me down and putting excess stress on my relationship with my girlfriend. I want to be done crying late at night when no one can see, I want to be able to not get choked up when I see a good mother and daughter relationship. I want to be able to hear a story about my mom and not have it ruin my day.

 

Thanks for replying. I have always connected with my father, but I wouldn't say we are super close. We go through spurts of either talking on the phone or he will come over. As for my mother... If I so much as mention my gf name around her I get the silent treatment from her for the remainder of the month or however long she feels like it. Bringing her around is not even an option. My mom would prob drop dead at the sight of me with any other non relative female now. Shes crazy, and you can't reason with crazy! I feel like I am playing a game I know I will lose. What I really want is to find some peace that makes it OK and makes me not feel so guilty, I guess. The answer is it prob will come with time, but I feel I have been waiting my whole life for my heart to mend over my mother. Before the gay issue even came into the scene. Thanks again