Hello to everyone on this forum. I'm planning to come out and I'd like some advice and support with that. After a while I've decided its really necessary for me to move on with life. I don't know if I'm ready yet but I think whether I will be comfortable or not I have to do it. Here is my situation. I'm 17 and about to turn 18 in july. I first started questioning my sexual orientation 2 years ago. It came as a surprise because prior to that I had crushed on many different girls and thinks like that. At the time I started questioning I was in a relationship with a girl that I really cared about. Because of this I tried to surpress/control my sexual thoughts but wasn't successful so I shared my situation with her and then tried to identify as bisexual (no one knew only her). This didn't work either but then the girl told me that she had been questioning herself, and started to mirror the behaviors that I had already gone through. This yanked me back into those same behaviors. Both of us became rather cranky and overly dependent on each other to cope, and because conflict was created she withdrew more and more. I knew I had to end the relationship but I couldn't bring myself to do it because I really cared about her, I would often cry at night thinking about that. Eventually I decided that she would have to break up with me, I thought that I could handle being broken hearted more than she could because she had a difficult family situation and other negative circumstances. I stubbornly still tried to make things work but she broke up with me, and that left me really really down. We had been very close and had been together for 2 1/2 years. Early on when I was questioning the psychological pain was excrciating and polarizing to me, I would go from being in a good mood to having this burning question in my mind and just an overall negative vibe. I have specific memories of being in one class and feeling lousy the entire class while questioning my orientation. Gradually the question became less burning and I progressed in some ways towards self acceptance but my relationship blocked that process from continuing. Eventually my senses were dulled out. The only thing that really allowing me to cope was talking a -lot- with my girlfriend and sex. After we broke up I didn't have that anymore. I did what most would do in such a situation and focus on things i enjoy and try to get past it. Most of my negative thought loops were about my relationship then. Now its faded from my mind and whats there is this negative attitude towards my sexuality. Its preventing me from enjoying things and making me feel depressed. I am often very self defeating in my thoughts and lack motivation. Whats really pushing me to come out is this mood and the negative thought loops that come with it. The things that I enjoyed from life I don't enjoy as much anymore, and this is what is bothering me the most. Then I think of just giving up those things altogether and that feels really hopeless. My mind presents it as a reasonable suggestion but its tinged with dark feelings. When I try to enjoy something I just have this internal voice that makes chit chat and interrupts, "gay you're gay". I hate that. The things I am most passionate about in life it has the nerve to suggest that I was never particularly in love with anyway and I have always been misguided. Its as if I am a completely different person and I have to try too hard for everything. I want counseling so I can get my life back on track and enjoy being gay, enjoy being myself. I think its really the only thing I can do. I feel depressed and I don't really know how to start recovering. I'm excercising eating well, and all of that, but I need to target the thoughts themselves and the cause of the depression. I live with my great aunt. I don't have a good relationship with my mother, and my father lives in new york. I'm going to see my dad in july and I'm planning to come out to him, and then ask for my medical insurance and the like so I can go to counseling and feel better. Its affecting me too much, this is not the ideal come out scenario of I feel happy with myself and want to tell everyone, but I don't know how I can reach that stage without help. I'm not that anxious about how my father would respond, he has won different awards for championing gay rights in his field, but at the same time he has made different homophobic remarks. The best case scenario is he will be a bit confused for a while because of the internalized homophobia everyone has, but will take it upon himself to accept things. However he is a rather difficult person and has been known to react rashly and insensitively at other times. He might tell others angrily or yell. I honestly don't know but I don't really feel like I have any other options. What have all of your experiences been with coming out? Have any of you found yourself in a similar situation to me, or did you have a less stressful coming out process? I'd also like to know, whats been your experience coming out to people from an older generation? I am wary to come out to my great aunt or any of my other older relatives because I recently saw a documentary about coming out and saw how confused a lot of parents were emotionally by their kid being GLBT. The homophobia in our society is often just perpetuated by ignorance and not deliberate malice, and a lot of people have no idea what it actually means to be gay. I think I could potentially confuse or distress her greatly by coming out especially since I live with her. Even now my mind is trying to convince me that I'm not gay. What did you guys do to counter those feelings and thoughts and affirm your identity? Thank you guys so much for whatever you respond with, it means a lot and I really really appreciate any support extended. And sorry for the inexpressive, choppy communication too, I normally can write a lot more eloquently than this but my mind is stratified and detached. Thats another frustrating aspect of this perpetual negative vibe, I used to write papers and get top marks without even trying but now I have to try particularly hard to think liquidly like that, an unpleasant paradox.
Hi! Welcome to Empty Closets! First, is there anyone in your life that you are sure will be accepting? A good friend, anyone? Are you still friends with your ex-girlfriend that you are out to? It's a good idea to have at least one or two friends who know and are supportive of you before you start coming out to family. Regarding your great aunt, you might want to just test the waters a bit. Bring up gay issues from the media, and so forth. This week, the thing to talk about seems to be Oreo's new LGBT supportive ad campaign. You could ask her what she thinks about that, and then maybe talk about marriage equality. (If she is a lot older, it might be really, really strange for her to talk about how our black president supports marriage equality for same-sex couples. How far we've come...) As for your dad, it sounds like he would have to be sort of inconsistent in order to not accept you. So, you can probably depend on him to come around. But, as I said, if it's at all possible, I really think it's best if you come out to a couple of friends first.
Every day you will be reminded of you sexuality no matter what orientation you are. Hating your sexuality will certainly make life dreadful . We are all inheritly taught by society that being gay is a horrible thing, and the longer we blindly listen to them, the more we will begin to hate ourselfs. Why should the gender of the people you fall in love with make you any less of an amazing person? You are no less intelligent, beautiful, and human than they are, and the sooner you realize that the easier it will be to look yourself in the mirror. The sooner you realize, that the only reason you hate who you are is because they hate who you are, the more you will learn to love yourself. Counsoler can be very helpful, but even they can teach you to like yourself for who you are. Stand in front of the mirror and ask yourself what do you have to be ashamed of?
Gen: Thanks for that, your words help. Just talking about this clears the air a bit in my head. Ianthe: I don't really have anyone close to me right now that I can call a regular friend. I mean I have people that I've talked to before but I'm kind of distant from most people now. And I have people that I talk to on a regular basis in music groups and the like but they aren't really very close to me. The thing is my feelings about my orientation and all of those general stresses cause me to be down on folks a lot of the time, so often I come across as awkward or uninterested. I never had the finest social skills because I've always been an introverted person but being in a depressed vibe like this has worsened things considerably. Now I am much more self concious than I can ever remember being, and because I don't have the same enjoyment or fascination for things I used to be completely enthralled by once I can get through small talk and those kinds of things with people conversation is really limited because I can't share good vibes or interest with people. I just kind of listen to them talk you dig? Its distressing and thats the main thing driving me to come out, cause I really used to love life and all the things that I do but now I find myself questioning everything in a "whats the point of this" kind of way. That and when I talk to people I am all nervous and don't really know what to say. Nonetheless I guess theres a couple people I know would accept me if I told them about my orientation, only it would seem kind of sudden to suddenly contact them and talk to them about it and my feelings nowdays. A student I taught violin to last year is bi and really out and obvious about it. Then there's a girl that I was close with for a while and she's really nice I'm sure she would be accepting. Guys, there's no one I would feel comfortable talking about emotions with. I'm sure you know what I mean when I say that. Its not necessarily that I fear they wouldn't be accepting or anything like that but my relationships with different guys are more on a joking guyish kind of way. My Godfather is gay too but I haven't talked to him in a really long time. It would feel kind of abrubt to confide in any of these people but I know that they would support me. Do you guys think that I should try to get my social life happening more before coming out or not? I've honestly been trying and have tried to be less self concious and all of those things but my mood kind of kills mys efforts. I think if I addressed that then everything else would be easier, I want to be happy. To be honest my aunt isnt especially homphobic just ignorant on the subject of gay people so she has made different comments before of oh how is it that gay people can get married now and things like that. I don't know if ideally I would come out to her at all but I do live with her so its kind of awkward. I'm curious about the experiences you guys have had coming out to older people and their reactions/process of coming to terms with your identity.
Hello, and welcome aboard! First of all english is not my first language so don't mind it. So I am passing through the coming out stage right now! As of today I will be coming out to my mom! *add*: I'm 19 years old now! Anyways, I believe most of us passed through the same thoughts, hating ourselves, denying and all. At this time we really do get depressed! It goes against all we have been thought by our families/religion! So it really messes up our heads! The first thing I would tell you, is to built a little more self-acceptance, what I see from you, you really are not comfortable with yourself right? I would suggest to do some research, and try to see its not a choice you're making, and it's not a thing that can be changed! The first step I did was that, feel more comfortable with myself, not fully accepting but enough to feel better! Well you are already doing a good thing being here, you will get lots of help/support here! Even though its not a physical friend(some1 you can see face to face), online friends that had passed through similar experiences really helps, just hearing them, and they hearing you back feels like the pressure is lessening up! But at the second step, which i came out to 3 close friends before coming out to my family, it's gonna be hard for you, because as you already said, you got no close friend that you feel comfortable enough to talk about it! So focus on accepting yourself first, and maybe make some online friends! About your father, since you got no close friends, its a good Idea to come out to him, of course if you have at least a good relation with him! If he really loves you as a father he will Be of gr8 help! But do this only if you are sure you are ready! As it seems you don't have religion issues right? So at least at this point it's less pressure for ya! Im saying this because I got religion issue with family issues altogether! Please feel free to talk here, and once we are full members we can exchange private messages!
Hi LookingtoAffirm, I enjoyed reading your story and am sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment. I think one of the most important steps in coming out is self-acceptance. I know from my own experience that no matter how many people you tell you are gay, you won't feel much better unless you are comfortable in your own skin. Just from what you mentioned, it seems that you are having a level of depression due to anxiety around your sexuality, which is unfortunate but in some way a normal first reaction as you figure this out. You might have other views on this, but I think it is especially important now to get out and meet new people. If you are feeling a bit down, I think it is in human nature to withdraw and retreat, which only compounds the feeling. I know you said that you are more of an introverted person, but perhaps there are some community or sports groups in your area you can join? Through all of this, you will begin to build up a network of friends, over time some will become good friends who you can share things with if you are ready. In tandem, perhaps there is some LGTB youth group or local online youth chat board that could be a safe way to get to know some gay people in your area who share common interests with you? Once this cloud of mild depression lifts, I imagine that you will once again regain your positive interest in activities, spending time with friends and just being happy. This 'negative loop' you mention will likely not just undo itself without getting some proper support and help, both of which you deserve. The whole coming-out process can seem very isolating, just remember that you have a lot of friends and family that care and respect you for all of who you are (and us on here!). It would be great to hear more about your thoughts and hope that your last few days have been ok. Best, Karl
Thanks for your posts, I thought about what you guys said and read some things on this site. I did not think previously that for a lot of people coming out to family was the "last step" so to speak and so this is why I was thinking of coming out to my dad and getting counseling. I'm still thinking about that, but after doing this reading I think that I should build up my self acceptance and try to come out to other people I know right now instead, as thats basically what a counselor would try to help me with through CBT. I was frustrated when I wrote that post and tired of the anxiety/bad vibes but after all this I feel more empowered. My violin teacher gave me a really valuable insight a few weeks ago about how one feels down, or even when you feel good, you get detached from cause and effect, but nothing is really ever more complex than that, and that I can always generate causes to change my situation. Although I see your logic with acceptance coming before coming out I think coming out certainly wouldn't hurt me with self acceptance or eliminating bad feelings. Every day I'm going to talk to people I know and make plans, until my social life is more happening, and then I'll gradually come out to folks in a casual way when the conversation leans in that direction, and I'll try to read some stuff about lgbt people or watch documentaries every day. What kinds of things did you guys do to move towards self acceptance?
Well, I started doing research, and reading others posts/story, and seeing I am not alone on this... And realizing, even though if it was a sin(such I thought cause of religion) it wasn't something that would go away, It is just the way you are! And if you could choose to live an "easier" life you would, but it's not a choice and i'ts not gonna happen! And, another thing, try not to hate yourself, which always happens, try to understand all you are passing through! It is not easy, I did came out to my mom(it wasn't the best but, at least I'm in my house, and probably will have to come out tomorrow to my dad) but you feel like you don't have to hide/lie it anymore! Well, hope everything works for Ya, and keep us informed!
Hello, I read over your post first thing that comes to mind is (*hug*) . It sounds like you have had a very hard time with things so far and it seems harsh of me to say thing will get better. But believe it or not it will get better with time and work. I understand your want to see a counselor and commend you on your willingness to seek help. It is never fun feeling like you are the only one and there is no one to talk to. If you have a LGBT center in you town i would suggest taking the time out to visit it and talk to someone there they will be some big help and its always good to know there is people you can talk to face to face (&&&). Remember there is nothing....NOTHING... wrong with you. You are who you are and there is nothing more importation than you being who you are and being confabulate with it. It takes time and a couple shoulders to lean on but it is possible. It takes time to come out to the people you love, they can either be the biggest support or the worst mistake you could ever make. You can see on the coming out stories part of EC most reactions people get from their family are good with the occasional bad ones. You just have to remember these are your family members you r the one who knows them best. But, coming from an optimistic side on this, moms and dads want nothing but the best for their children. They want them to be happy and to do well in life. I would hope to believe your family will do the same. Remember if you ever need someone to talk to in the mean time there is a lot of support here on EC (&&&) i hope some of what i said helps a little (*hug*)
Thanks ramon and congrats on coming out to your mom! Feeling better a little bit at a time . I will keep you guys updated on whats up
LookingtoAffirm, good to hear you are feeling a bit better, I am sure it won't all change overnight but hopefully you feel a bit of support connecting with us on here =] You asked in a previous post what sort of things are helpful for self acceptance, so I will share a few fairly random thoughts. As a start, I firstly think using this site is very helpful as it allows you to meet people with similar concerns, get direct advice and also gives you the chance to help others (which can then allows you to view your situation through others' eyes). I would also try to get to know some gay guys your own age who you have something in common with and can have some decent conversation (ie a connection rather than a sex date). Finally, I think it would be helpful to come out to your father, but of course you have to feel that you are ready to do so and it is safe for you.
I almost came out to one of my friends today! So close but I couldn't manage to work up the nerve to do it, because there were a bunch of people around us, I was like...x.x am I really gonna come out, explain how I've been and have all these other people standing around listening. I was very close to doing it, but I will next time I see this guy. One of my other friends texted me just now, time to come out to her 6.6...I've been pretty nervous about doing this but also excited, wish me luck!
