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Sister is gay, I think I am too, family pressure. What to do?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by NgU, Jul 1, 2012.

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  1. NgU

    NgU
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    Hey everyone, I just came across this site and found it to be very helpful and would be really happy if someone could give me some advice/direction.

    I have an older sister who is in her upper 20s. Ever since I was young, I knew that she was not straight, and over the past few years, it became clear. Recently, she separated with her past girlfriend and has changed dramatically. In hopes of becoming "normal," she has become someone very foreign to me. She changed from the tom boy I new to one of the most girly people I know. I can tell that this change has caused a lot of emotions for her as well, and has not been good.

    The reason that she has tried to change is largely due to the pressure that our family puts on her in regards to marriage. I come from a muslim family, and it is highly looked down upon to even marry a non-muslim, let alone being gay. I love her with all my heart and would still love her no matter what she chooses, but what do you all think I should do to help her realize that she is who she is and that's the only way she will be happy?

    Ok, so that is the story with my sister, but I also have a big problem. I think I am gay too. With all of the things going on with my sister, I have find it extremely hard to come to terms with myself. My family has such high expectations for me. This isn't just my mom or dad, but every one of my relatives as well. They want me to get married to a muslim girl one day and have kids. I would love to have a family and kids one day, and I love my family to death, but I know if I do what they want of me, I will only be cheating myself. I really don't know what would happen if they found out that my sister and I were both gay. This is the biggest hurdle that I am faced with. I know my sister would accept me if I told her because she knows how I feel. I love her so much and we are very close.

    My question is, how would I ever approach my family about this issue? i just don't know if my parents can handle the fact that both of their children might be gay. What should I do first?

    I would love to hear anyone's advice. Thanks.
     
    #1 NgU, Jul 1, 2012
  2. Ianthe

    Ianthe
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    Hi, Welcome to Empty Closets!

    First, I think you should come out to your sister, and tell her you love her for who she is and she doesn't have to change herself. I think it will make a big difference for both of you to know that you are in this together and will always have each other, whatever happens with your parents.

    The loss of her relationship was obviously very hard on her. It will mean a lot to her to know that you have her back, so to speak.

    Once you are out to your sister, you can decide together what to do about your parents. (Either of you pretending to be something you are not for the rest of your lives should not be one of the options you consider.)

    But, roughly how old are you--are you still a minor? This may have an effect on whether you should come out to them in the immediate future. What did they do about your sister, when she was younger?
     
    #2 Ianthe, Jul 1, 2012
  3. NgU

    NgU
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    Thank you so much for the advice. I really appreciate it.

    I am 20 years old, and have been conflicted for quite a while now.

    My parents have been separated for a while, and I think that has definitely affected me and my sister since we were growing up. My parents have always been oblivious about my sister's situation for a long time. Recently, my sister has shed some light to them about her situation, but I think they've just been trying to tell her to find a boyfriend, get married, and start a family. I know this will not make her happy at all.

    Growing up, my sister and I have been the closest to one another, and that's why I have supported her so much. I really hate seeing her be someone she is not, because it causes more harm than happiness for her.
     
    #3 NgU, Jul 1, 2012
  4. Ianthe

    Ianthe
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    Make sure that she knows she has your support, even if you aren't ready to come out to her. Although I think knowing that the two of you are in the same boat will help her a lot.

    You still seem to be somewhat uncertain about your sexuality, would you like to talk about that at all? We do support people through the questioning process here, as well. That might be the first thing you need to do--come to terms with it yourself, so that then you can come out to your sister.
     
    #4 Ianthe, Jul 2, 2012
  5. NgU

    NgU
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    I think I have just been so focused on other aspects of my life like school that I haven't taken the time to try and come to terms with myself.

    What steps do you suggest?
     
    #5 NgU, Jul 2, 2012
  6. RueBea85

    RueBea85 Guest

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    Hello NgU, I would also agree that you should tell your sister that you support her. She would need that and would make her feel better to know that she'll have atleast one person on her side.

    I don't think it would be a very good idea to mention this to your parents at the moment. Just try to remember that being gay, if you believe you are gay, that's only a part of you, it doesn't define who you are. I think the best thing would be to just talk to your sister about it.

    Do you know if there are any groups or people in your area you could talk to, who have the same issues?
     
    #6 RueBea85, Jul 2, 2012
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