As I mentioned before in another post, I came out 6 years ago once I figured out what was causing the problems in my sexual relationship with my husband. (That being that Im gay). I tried hard to bury it for the past six years but more recently I had an experience that made me realize I won't be able to stuff it forever. Once I acknowledged the thought it's like a tidal wave overtaking me. I have started seeing a therapist who is supportive, and am seriously looking into my options in the case of divorce. Coming out again will be awful - my family and husband were outrageously homophobic and cruel the first time. They'll be just as bad or worse this time. I desperately want my husband to understand and accept my sexuality as nothing that reflects on him but something that I simply can't change. And I want us to coparent cooperatively. It's imperative that I frame our sexual incompatibility in a way that is non threatening and non accusatory. It's a long shot but I think the only way this will end well is if we can have authentic and open-hearted conversations with each other. Do you have any suggestions for me?
Hi there! (*hug*) I am glad that you have started seeing a therapist, and I would encourage you to see the therapists for as long as you feel your need that support. From the sounds of it, you have realized that you need to move on and break away from the past. Even though your coming out didn't go well the first time, and it might not the second time around either, but there comes a point where you have to ask yourself: "what is best for me?" If you your husband is not understanding and homophobic, why do you want him to be part of a conversation for which he might not be ready for? ... Have you ever had an authentic and heartfelt conversation with your husband and your family? If so, how did these conversations turn out? Just a couple of questions to think about. One way to have a non-threatening and non-accusatory conversation with your husband would be to reinforce the good times you have had, and shift the main emphasis on you as having become sufficiently aware of your sexual orientation that you can not ignore it any longer and feel you need to start making a break with the past.
If you've found a counsellor that you like, take your husband with you. Or have that counsellor recommend a second one that speciallizes in couples counselling. I think it will be critical to have that conversation facilitated by someone who can help each of you phrase things in a positive and appropriate way. Having a heated discussion alone - just the two of you - can allow for it to spiral out of control much too easily. Having a counsellor help was really important for my ex wife and I to maintain our relationship as we were separating. There is SO much emotion involved that effective communication becomes VERY difficult.
