Over the past 4 or 5 years I've been in denial of my gay feelings and urges/desires. I haven't completely ignored them though. Throughout the years I've considered my urges like a disease and haven't dealt with them correctly. I'd go day to day and completely block them out while around anyone and only when in complete isolation would I "deal" with them. I would watch the gayest porn I could find and would fantasize of being on the bottom. Over the last couple months I've come to accept that this isn't some disease or a result of some psychological stuff happening in my life and it is just who I am. I still feel like I see my desire's as something fucked up at times and nowhere near normal or okay, but It seems like it is getting better maybe. I feel like with being in the closet( until age 18) and being in denial(18 to 22) It's hard for me to know how to be myself. I don't want to sound ignorant here but I have a question for the EC community: I've always felt the need to have to be really masculine or else I am not a man or even a person. I've realized over the years that I am simply not like that and have a stronger feminine side than masculine(both in terms of stereotypical gender roles). Does the fact that I really really enjoy fantasizing about being on bottom and being submissive to men in fact mean my nature is more feminine? Or are there people who are competitive, love sports, fighting and things that would be considered "straight" and still be like I am when It comes to sex? I may just be getting hung up in stereotypes, but If anyone thinks that, let me know. I generally am confused with this. thanks in advance for the help
There are stereotypical gays, but you don't have to be one of them. And just because you fantasize about being bottom doesn't mean you have to act feminine. A lot of my friends thought I was straight until I told them. Don't think that your personality has to impact your sex life. Just be yourself and do what feels right.
Just because you enjoy bottoming doesn't mean that you have to be more feminine or submissive because of it. Yes, being on the bottom makes it easier to be submissive, but its not the rule. There are very dominant guys out there that like to bottom as well (what you would call a power bottom). And there are also some very strong, dominant guys who prefer to take a more submissive role in the bedroom. Either way, there isn't a wrong way to go about it. As far as your own femininity goes, I would highly encourage you to allow yourself to explore that side and allow yourself to be you. To do things not because they are either feminine or masculine, but just because you like them.
I am not feminine at all and I fantasize about being on the bottom end of things. Don't get caught up in the whole masculinity culture, just do what you want to do and be what you wanna be. Masculinity is just a product people are trying to sell to you, it doesn't mean anything.
