The past 4 months have been really difficult and it doesn't seem to be getting better. My husband found my diary and read about all my past obsessions. Me thinking I wanted to be with another man, being a lesbian, pedaphile etc. I was so upset and told me I've been lying all these yrs. I feel horrible. I wish I could just die. I used to be able to get up in the morning and think of a guy and get all giddy. My feelings for men have completly gone! men look so different. People look like I haven't seen them in years. I dunno who I see mysef dating anymore (man or woman). I really miss my husband and who were before this. Another girl I thought I liked starting caring about me and I got that sick feeling I always get when people get too emotionally close to me. It doesn't matter how much people tell me they accept me. I feel like I have lost myself. I'd be ok being a lesbian if the world would stop looking so different. Please, I just want to wake up and reconize my child and husband. He feels different, like a stranger. I feel like saying I hope my husband leaves and takes his children with him. I am unable to connect with people except women and I think this "sick" feeling will happen with them too. All I know for sure is that naked women turn me on, like mainly a vagina, sorry if tmi. Naked men do not turn me on. My anxiety is down but I'm left in a really weird state. Its like I've gone through some kind of trauma. I can't even function at work anymore. People just look so different. Is this normal to go through when coming out? Or is my mind screwing me. Btw this has happened always when I accept the thoughts and stop running. I go into this weird state. Before I'd just tell myself its my ocd and I'd go back to happy me. Now I can't take it anymore, I need to know if I'm a lesbian or not.
I'm so sorry these past months have been really difficult for you. I hope that things will start to get better for you. I've never been married or had a boyfriend before so I can't really know exactly how you must be feeling at the moment, but I think this is normal. I know that with me recently coming out the world has changed, everything seems different. I don't think you should see this as a bad thing so much, that's the impression I had got from what you had wrote, you should try to see this as a good thing too. I know it's been really tough but at least now you are a little closer to discovering who you really are. I've always believed you can't help who you fall in love with, that love can fade over time. Do you have anyone you can talk to about this? Have you told anyone?
Hey, yes, I have my therapist that I am seeing as well as my friends. My friends don't really understand and they kind of don't believe me. Mainly because I have Ive made a big deal about men in the past "omg, I'm going to leave my husband for so so". But this one is difficult to shake. I could if I really wanted to just be like oh its just ocd and my world will clear up again. I'll get my feelings back for men. This is just a really weird state to be in. But my feelings for men never last. Everything is good in the beginning ( I think) then I get weird. Not sure how it would be with a woman but from what I've been experiancing for the past few months seems like I'm going to go weird with her too, even though I want to deny it.
I think it would be a good idea to eventually explore these feelings for women, I've heard a lot of stories of how women would be married to their husbands for however many years and then realize they may be gay. They would say they believed they were bisexual at first but then over time they would realize that they were gay. I know it must be difficult to think that since you have spent so much time with your husband. How long have you realized you had these feelings for other women?
I want to start by saying things you are feeling are normal. The situation you are going through sounds like a chain of events starting somewhere deeper in your marriage then the surface you can explain in a few words on a support topic. Don't let these events fester and create more problems in your future. Saying you want your family to leave sounds like something someone would say only when they are emberrased or given up. Step out of your shoes for a min and allow yourself to see it from someone else view. I went through something very similar to this. Ended a 5 year relationship because I was feeling things for others. Things I was not getting in my last relationship. I never cheated but instead I alowed myself to feel that way because it felt good. I wasn't feeling the passion and excitement from what I had. But I didnt leave because I thought I would always feel these attractions to people in any relationship I was in. I stayed, didn't connect fully and in the long run it hurt my ex more than it helped him. He was so hurt he spent a week in the physh ward because he was unsure of how to handle the break up and if he wished to continue. That reaction I was almost expecting. I also stayed because thought I loved him. i was not in love with him and I didn't want to see him get hurt. It sounds to me that you are having problems accepting who you are. Could this maybe of started when you started keeping secerets from your husband? I hope you find it within yourself to stay strong, don't let it hurt your future (by loosing your children) and find it within yourself to accept who you are. Nothing is wrong for loosing feelings to your husband. It happens! Find yourself, find happiness! Be strong and keep an open mind. Find a way to keep a communication with your children. Know that everything moves on, nothing is worth giving up on. <3
I would say yes... however you have just recently been through a very hard situation. Everyone wants to find them selves and wants to know right away what they are. If you feel like you like women, and you cant see yourself ever going the other way then yes I would say you are. Don't feel like you have to rush to put a title on yourself. Try and accept your feelings as they come. Again I do not know you, or your entire story but I really wish the best for you. I am known for being a bit blunt so please don't take offense. <3 A lot of people find out they are gay by experiences just like this. A lot of people may have been feeling these emotions their entire life but find its more easy to go with what other people view as normal. But let it come too you, don't force it! Find love and enjoyment with what ever you do. First figure out who you are by accepting who you are. Understand you can never be in a happy relationship until you can accept yourself. I may be repeating myself, sorry *blush*
I know it took more about ten years for me to accept that I was a lesbian. During that time, I dated men and genuinely cared for them, but I couldn't find myself attracted to them physically. I broke down and cried more than once about this. I was already trans and I didn't want to be gay too. I wanted some level of normalcy. It took me a long time to discover that I am normal and that everyone's definition of normal is different. According to my definition, I was normal. I didn't need to pressure myself into getting involved with guys to achieve it. Not saying that you're in the same situation, but it definitely sounds like you're gay to me. I'm just saying that I know how hard it can be to accept and the mountains some of us need to climb to get there can be difficult and even hellish. I'm sure you genuinely love your husband, but I'm sure he wouldn't want you to stay with him when he knows you would be happier with a woman. As for the sick feeling, perhaps you feel guilty about your husband? Maybe you feel like you failed him as a wife and that you don't deserve happiness as a punishment? You do, though. Everyone does. Being true to who you really are can be challenging, but the pay-off is great. Keep at it. Don't give up and remember that you can overcome the obstacles set before you.
Thanks for the advice. Just kind of sucks that I feel like I'm losing/lost myself and men aren't giving me butterflies anymore. I don't really want to be with a woman, but I guess that's the only way. And it sucks that I loved the intimacy with my husband. O'well, guess that's life.
"i don't really want to be with a woman" Sounds like you are trying to find acceptance! Just because you lost the intimacy with your husband doesn't mean you wont ever find intimacy again! Trust me... not to sound too descriptive but I had never felt myself be able to connect with my ex. We had to use lube to even have intercourse. Dont loose faith in love, you will find it when you are ready (*hug*)
