As seen in another thread, I know the stages of grief/acceptance are as follows: Denial; anger; bargaining; depression; acceptance. Last night my mom and I had a huge argument about my sexuality. She refused to admit that she ever received the letter in which I came out to them. I then told her to her face that I'm a lesbian and that's what started the whole argument. She said it goes against her religion and beliefs and that she will never accept it, though she accepts me as a person but won't accept that lifestyle. I told her that I feel she's always forcing me to dress girly and that I hate dressing that way. She had no response to that. She did, however, say that she feels I'm going through an identity crisis and am trying to "find myself" and that seeing myself as a lesbian is an easy way out. WTF?!? I didn't know what to think of this. It hurts me that I thought I had their support but all this time they were homophobic :icon_sad: Maybe this is the stage somewhere between denial and anger, I dunno. But it's frustrating and really hurtful the way my parents treated me last night. Apart from sticking it out and giving them space and time to work through it, how can I make this easier on myself? I don't do well under stress
First, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Your parents mean well, but remember this is a bit of a shock to them. My guess is the letter was simply rejected as part of her denial. The fight is more likely an opening into the anger and even a little bit of bargaining, specifically the "finding myself" thing. (the stages are not always linear). So really, it sounds like she is progressing a little bit, and all you can really do it give it some time and be patient. I know that isn't easy. But many of us here have been through exactly what you're experiencing, and we're here to go through your experience with you. The best thing you can do for yourself is to keep talking about it here, give your parents some space, and realize that they do really love you, but they are just dealing with a difficult shock at the moment. They'll come around.
Oh, did I ever get it from my mom. She accused me of ruining her perfect family. She said I broke her heart. She said she never wanted to even look at me again. She said all sorts of awuful things about how I was never going to be happy because it's not normal and I'll never find love with a man and I'm wasting my life with this... yadda yadda yadda. That was a month and a week or so ago. Wanna know what I did today? Went to the zoo with my mom and we had a great time. We had dinner afterwards and joked around. She asked me if I had found anybody yet I was interested in... then she told me about one of her coworker's sons :rolle: They'll come around. Mine did quickly... some, not so quickly. Some may take a while. Some may take years. The thing about a parent's love is that it's unconditional even if they don't know it quite yet.
Heart-warming knowing that I have a huge support group here. People who've been through it and can offer advice or just lend a listening ear (so to speak) :lol: I'm lucky to have a few supportive friends too, who I can turn to when the going gets tough and I'm not close to the computer. So that helps a great deal too. Thank you for the replies, it's really comforting. I just didn't realize it'll all happen this quickly, or so intensely
Lol, I know! Coming out is so difficult but when it happens it's like an avanlanche of every emotion from everybody you know. Although, I came out to the world (pretty much) over a period of like 4 days, so I went a little quicker than most with that as well. It went from only my ex-girlfriend knowing to most of North America knowing by day 4. Man, was that so freeing... I couldn't be happier with that decision even though it was rough for a little bit with my parents.
i fell I'm getting closer. i keep dropping clues everyday everywhere to friends and a bit to mom. i guess to be free we can't live double life?
I had a pretty similar coming out experience when I started dating a guy. I left a letter for my parents, and I didn't hear from them for about a week (and this was during Christmas break when I should have been coming home from college for the holidays). When I did come home, it was without a doubt the most hurtful night of my life. I was told (amongst a lot of other things) by my mother that me being gay was worse than the death of my grandpa. Which essentially meant that to her I died in a way. Pretty hurtful to think about. The good news? If your parents have the same avoidant personality my entire family does, not a lot is really going to change. Family stuff is a little more awkward, but we still do the same stuff, have the same conversations. Nothing is really different. The bad news? We have never talked about it again, so I kind of doubt their initial opinion ever changed. In most cases family comes around though. Its just a matter of time. And if they want to judge you don't hold it against yourself. You are just being who you are, they are the ones not accepting it. Best of luck and I hope things improve.
I had a similar issue when I told my parents I am transgender. mom said "you're just confused", and I explained to her that it wasn't the case, that I've been 'confused' since I was 14 or so, and it kind of seemed to be a bit too long of 'just a phase', since I was turning 26 when I told her. In any case, she still tries to get me to wear feminine clothing, even after I gave away all my female belongings. I felt sad for her because I was her only daughter. The best way to put it to her was that I still loved her, no matter what, even if I shamed her and she wanted to disown me. She cried a little. she asked me why I married a man, if I was a man, and I told her that I'm bisexual; it was even more difficult to understand. She still thinks I'm confused, and believes that i've been twisted by some early childhood experiences. Thankfully, I'm pretty sure of who I am, and the choices and sacrifices i've had to make to realize that whether she accepts it or not, I can't change what I am. Four years later, she still loves me, and tries to help me with my ongoing journey. Sometimes people think it's their fault, it's not that they're facing you, or what you told them, but they think that they made you that; they feel guilt and don't want to accept it. Then they realize they did nothing wrong; and there's nothing wrong with you. You're their child, after all. A parent can't just stop loving you regardless of what they say and do. We all get angry sometimes; just give your parents some time.
I'm sorry your mom was so crazy upset about this and hurt you. I hope the others are right and she gets over it sooner than later. One thing I noticed is her use of the word "lifestyle". That makes me think she's heard and believes without thinking for herself all the lies that some churches/groups say in their propaganda. Hopefully someday you can educate her that there is no "gay lifestyle". Is there a left-handed lifestyle or a green-eyed lifestyle? Nope. Our lives are just as varied and average as straight people. They say lifestyle because they believe the propaganda that gay people live lives full of drugs, booze, constant sex with random people and because of that we all get STDs and die sad and lonely at the age of 40 or sooner. Obviously that's a lie for most of us. The truth is more straight people do those things so we should be avoiding the "straight lifestyle" I guess. Anyway, congrats on coming out and good luck with your mom
