Hi again EC, It's been some time since I've posted-- things are still as complicated if not more as before. My guy- the one I'm in love with and he knows I love him. Now can't decide if he wants a g/f or a b/f. I haven't seen him in 2 months and the last time I did we had sex. Since then he had sex with a woman to see what he likes/wants more. I don't think he got any answers. Just last week he sent me photos of himself (in ladies thongs) and talked about crawling into bed with me. He also has told people about "us" and even sent 1 girl some of the photos of him in the ladies thongs. Right now he said everything is on hold bc he needs a def answer to what he wants. IDK what to do- I'm stuck in this holding pattern. We've been sleeping together since 2009- I was kind of his guy on the side- but I want more than that- I deserve more than that. He has told me he loves me and I know he cares about me. He's not sure if he can have a boyfriend- he still likes pussy but loves my dick too... he said he's confused and needs to figure his shit out. I'm trying not to rush him but my patience is running out... this has gone on for a long time and for every 2 steps forward he takes 10 back. Is it bc he can't accept being with me? having feelings for a guy? We text or chat everyday but he stays away bc he knows we'll have sex and "he doesn't want that" but it happens naturally like the sunrise- there's such a connection to us that we kiss, hug, and don't let go.... Anyone out there experience this? What do I do? HELP!!!!
I think you are right you deserve better. You need to talk to him and explain that you love him but you cannot continue as you are. As much as you love him perhaps you need to move on from him.
He's overcomplicating this, and like you said, you deserve better. Dumb it down for him. If you love someone, you love someone. That's regardless of whatever your goddamned "label" is. Love is love. That's the easiest way to go about it. So for people interested in both sexes, you don't "pick which you like better", you're capable of loving both. So tell him that. Explain to him that you're not going to be part of his "experimenting" (for lack of a better word). If he loves you, he loves you, and he'll indicate that when he realizes you could be gone from his life. And if he's not sure, then at least you aren't being toyed with anymore. Essentially, I think it's ultimatum time, because where you two are standing isn't healthy for either of you. And for the love of god, stop the (what sounds like) casual sex with him. Again, doesn't do any good for either of you.
I completely agree with BudderMC. You love who you love. If it's just casual sex, then there's nothing in it for either of you.
Thanks guys! If this was just casual sex it'd be easier to walk away- but it's more than that- it's passionate, emotional, long lasting, etc... He's struggling accepting actually having a boyfriend- when we practically are together- he just needs to face it. I told him that my patience is running thin and he's running out of time... bc, waiting isn't healthy for me
Try and not sound angry with him if you can. First because you care for him, and secondly because I don't think it contributes well to either of you. Waiting isn't particularly healthy for him either. I know he's trying to figure himself out, but there comes a point where you just need to take a "leap of faith" rather than perpetually questioning. I mean, for a lot of us we realized we were ____ after some "moment" that occurred; an epiphany of sorts. He could sit around and wait for that to happen, or you can push things along a bit and hopefully prompt a reaction from him.
Thanks Budder-- he's just so damn confused... he told me like 3 different things in a matter of minutes. First he and agrees that I can make him smile and told me to paste that part of the convo to a mutual friend bc he wanted her to know that he likes it when I make him smile. Told him it feels like we're practically in a relationship but he couldn't answer if we were or not. Then I pushed it a little and said "I wish you'd just go for it" He said "bc u r becoming too pushy again, god u dont let me do it when i am ready. Constant asking." I'll just show you the convo-- bc i'm confused by the whole thing.... ME: yah im tryin to back off- but get frustrated esp whn u show me pics-- i'm lik mmm yuumm i want that again- but i'm not saying not to send em i like the surprise photos Him: well, that's on u. u need to find other ppl bc shit will hit the fan if u cannot control it like u haven't ME: yah been tryin.. but hard ya know does that mean we won't be together? Him: u need to stop askin that uggggggggggg....god why must everything be rushed and decided. Me: its bc i dont wanna share u Him: idk what to say Me: ik u still wanna sleep with girls Him: idw a bf uggggggggggg idk why this has to over take other shit I changed the subject after that- i could tell I was pissing him off. But yes I'm pushing this bc I don't want to wait anymore- We started sleeping together back in 09 and I was his "experiment, at first" then we were in a secret relationship that we didn't label. We were both single n able to see who we wanted, but we were exclusive- he'd have girls over but send them home and sleep with me. Point is, I don't want to share him- I'm 32 he'll be 37 and i don't want to wait anymore- don't want to be his guy on the side when he's "in the mood." I'm confused bc he can't answer if we're together then says he doesn't want a bf, followed by me pushing and rushing this.... so which is it??
Well he is unsure and obviously at least for the moment unable to take the leap. I think you just have to say that at this stage in your life you want to be in a committed relationship when you can go out together and enjoy life together. Tell him your feelings towards him havent changed but you dont know whether he will ever change his mind about not wanting a boyfriend and you dont want to put presure on him so you feel its best you move on. It maybe that when he realises what he has lost and that he has lost the control he has on the situation he may want you back and want to commit but he might not. If he doesnt then you will find someone else that can give you in return what you give to them.
Just so it doesn't look like I bailed on the thread, I echo everything silverhalo just said 100%. You can't really force this guy into doing anything, no matter how much both of you might want it... apply too much pressure and the whole thing might just blow up on you. That's kind of why I was suggesting an ultimatum of sorts: he'll either realize what he's lost and fix it, and if not you'll be able to find someone who feels the same way about you.
Thanks guys. I'm just trying to get my heart and head on the same page. Both are so damn confused. I didn't contact him at all yesterday and he didn't try to reach me either. We usually start each day w/ good morning texts or messages. I'm all sorts of pissed, upset, asking myself "WTF" I get he's confused and all that-- but shit- spend time with me, don't avoid me. We haven't hung out since May-- bc he says he doesn't want us to have sex- so he's staying away.... but if we get together, we naturally hook up- guess for him the best way for that not to happen is doesn't come around. To me that's stupid-- suck it up and face the truth already- I mean, he sends me photos of himself in thongs (front, back, and zoom views) so obv there's something. Ugh, sorry just confused and can't sleep at 3am
I'd say move on. You DO deserve better. My husband and I have dinner together. We watch TV together. Some nights we have awesome sex together, but some nights we just go to sleep. We shop together. We vacation together. We go dancing together. There is SO MUCH MORE to a relationship than having your bf come over, make out and have sex. But my impression is that's all you do. And that's because he STILL sees you as a sex toy or sexual 'experiment'. To me it's obvious - when he's contacting you by sending you erotic pictures of himself. That might be something you do early on if you're really hot for each other (or when you're much younger and less mature) but this guy is 37!!! He obviously (to me anyway) only thinks of you as some kind of boy toy - and likely always will. I feel sorry for him - knowing that he's got a lot of shit to work through. But I don't see where you need to be dragged along for this ride. You've got your shit together, you know what you want, you've told him so, and it's time for you to get that from someone who can give it to you.
Thanks Jim- It is such a complex story-- we lived together, at one point, first as roommates but turned into more. We had the relationship- watched movies, cooked together, we were domesticated in all senses of the word. Then he moved out, cross country to be with a woman- who after 9 months didn't love him anymore. Since then, he's slowly accepting being gay and liking to wear ladies underwear (those are the pics I get). He won't see me or hang out with me bc he doesn't want us to 'hook up' but bc of that, we don't see each other- even as friends. I've tried inviting him out for lunch, grab a beer, see a movie- all things buds can do w/out any 'titles or attachments' but to him it'd be more like a date and he's not ready for that I'm with you-- I deserve better and I wish he'd be able to give me what I want. It sucks that he has told ppl I care ab and adore him that I'm good to him and he cares about n loves me too-- but can't settle on the thought of having a boyfriend- I mean, heaven forbid he be with someone who respects and loves him and puts a smile on his face.
