Hey Everyone, I'm new here, and I wanted to ask the community for some advice on my current situation. I'm not sure if it falls under this category, but after reading some posts, I feel that it may. Thanks in advance for your help! So, my boyfriend and I met on one of those hook-up application for the iPhone. I had just gotten out of a 1 year relationship that I didn't really want to be in, and was lonely. Initially, I was looking for a hook-up, but after doing it one time with some random guy, I knew that it was just not for me, and I preferred the traditional, dating-to-get-to-know-the-person approach. I met someone and after about 3 weeks of chasing him, we finally went on a date and we had an emotional explosion, I felt complete again and felt really, really happy. During the course of our relationship, we had our ups and down, issues with trust, lying and things like that. We got over them. More recently, we broke up because I was tired of having the same argument over and over again, and I decided to end things with him because I felt like I couldn't do it anymore. Here I am though, 2 weeks later, and I regret so badly that I did that to him; I should have never given up on my relationship, and now that I want him back, and want to try to patch things over, he says that he feels like he can't be in a relationship with me, because he's afraid of hurting me again with issues that have occurred in the past and feels that he lost himself during our relationship, as well. My boyfriend ( well, ex-boyfriend :tears: ) are at two very different points in our lives. I am 25, have a masters degree and am well into my career. I often speak of having a family, settling down and having children in the near future. He is 20, is just starting to go to college and wants to experience his life. He is also not out to his family, which I think really affects him. His family knows me as his "friend" and although I think they suspect something is going on between us, he isn't officially out to them. I know that I may have pushed him into thinking that he had to change to be with me, and I regret that so much, but his fear and insecurities now block him from giving me a change to prove him that I can foster all that he is, without him having to sacrifice who he wants to be or what he wants to do with his life. He says that he wants to find himself, to feel that he is happy with himself, and that he can't be with me (or anyone) until he figures that out. He told me that it's not that he does not want to be with me, but that he fears that he might hurt me again. I want to do everything I can to help him find himself and be comfortable with who he is, but I do not know what else I can do, while at the same time trying to give him the space he needs right now. Does anyone have any suggestions or has been in the same situation? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you and I look forward to all of your responses. -- From The Ashes
Well, based on this: and this: and this: I'd say you should leave it alone. I don't think most healthy relationships involve lying, trust issues, and arguments that go on and on for weeks. You ARE at very different points in your life, and different 'out' status. And he has told you that he needs time to find himself. Based on all of that, I'd suggest letting him know that you care for him and would like to stay friends and help him on his journey - but that you're going to move on and date other people because you do want to be with someone. There are other guys out there. And I'm thinking lots that would be a better fit.
I would agree with you, but it's not that simple. This is not just some run of the mill relationship, I actually love this person. I understand that things have not been so great for him, and that this is his first real relationship, but I cannot just let go of him like that. I don't have it in me to do. Perhaps, like in my previous relationship, if I didn't feel anything for him, and I knew that I was sticking around for all the wrong reasons, I would agree with you. But I love him, and I feel that fostering him during his problems and coming out could do him and our relationship some good. I agree on the space thing, and I'm doing my best to provide him with that, though I will say that it is hard since I'm only used to being his boyfriend, and not just his buddy. I love him too much to just let him go and date other people. Maybe I'm in denial, but that isn't even an option for me right now.
This was the problem I noticed right off the bat: I realize you seem to love him, but the problem with the statement is that a relationship is not suppose to make you feel complete. It's suppose to just be an added aspect. You just broke from a relationship and then started with him. Combined with the lying, trust issues, etc, it honestly makes me feel that this isn't a relationship, this is simply a rebound that you're latching on to. I realize this is sort of tough love I'm giving, but the relationship will never work if you're relying on him to feel complete. You need to feel complete YOURSELF alone if you want to have a successful relationship, otherwise the same thing will happen time and time again in relationships.
Sorry, I need to provide more background information. In my previous relationship, I knew about 3 months into it that I did not want to be in a relationship with him. I stayed because he was very troubled and didn't have a single stable thing in his life. I was his only support, so I felt bad leaving him. He has a mother with a lot of mental health issues and an older sister who took advantage of him every chance she could. I finally just could not take it anymore, so broke up with him, after a year and a month. Yes, I "jumped" into my relationship with my most current partner, but things were different. What I'm trying to say is that I am a firm believer in that people make mistakes, and I feel he made some. Yes, major ones, but I was willing to look past them. I feel that I broke up with him for not real reason other than giving in to an impulse to deciding to break up with him. But I do love him. I can't explain the feeling, but it's love, I know it is. As for feeling complete, perhaps I worded that wrong. I do feel complete in my life, he just made things better, if that makes sense. I don't feel that I need anyone in my life to make it better, but I wanted him there with me, and knowing he was there felt good. I know I could find another person and have another relationship, but I WANT to be with him, not necessarily feeling that I NEED to be. I hope that makes sense.
Of course I don't know you or your boyfriend. But I wonder why you want to be with him? Have you found another person who needs 'saving' like your first boyfriend? Is that at play here? All I'm saying is that I love my husband. We haven't gone through periods of intense or chronic arguing. We haven't had trust issues or lying. We've had misunderstandings, because any relationship can. But it just seems to me that if you've been with someone who created so much angst that you were compelled to break up with them, there is a reason for that. And now that you've broken up and they want to stay broken up - it's probably best that you take a break and see how you feel about it in a months time, or two months time.
While I can understand where you're coming from, and have dealt with relationships like this before, I truly feel you're putting too much faith into this guy. Besides you said it yourself, he wants to explore. You seem to be the type who wants to always support without considering what it might be doing to you. You did it with said ex, and stayed with him an extra 10 months because you felt guilty. My thoughts go out to him but you were honestly not doing him any help by staying with him when you didn't want to. You might have been helpful for him, but eventually you still broke up with him. That's not how a relationship can work. As for this relationship, you need to leave it alone as Jim said. The fact is, you said it yourself, you're at two different points in your life. You guys may be indeed destined to be together....but seriously you need to understand it isn't going to work right now. Jim also made a good point, it sounds like you're wanting to save your current ex like you did with your previous boyfriend. You seem to be worried about him so much sacrificing things, etc and while in a relationship that is more or less fine to worry about a boyfriend not sacrificing who they are, at the same time it really does sound like you're trying to save him.
You are right. I don't think that I've found someone else that needs saving, I just know that I love him enough to want to be with him right now. But you are right. I'm just going to give it time, and see what happens. "What's meant to be, will be," right? Should I mention that I'm a social worker? Maybe that throws a wrench into this whole situation in and of itself.
Perhaps that is what causes you to feel the need to help. Which I think is a GREAT trait but you need to make sure to really recognize the differences between being supportive, and being a saviour because that seems to be the case that you keep putting yourself in.
