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Figuring stuff out/clingy acquaintance/other wonderful problems

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by alTO, Jul 5, 2012.

  1. alTO

    Regular Member

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    Hi everyone, I've been posting on-and-off here for the past few months. I'll try to make it a little more regular and offer whatever help I can to people a bit more.

    Anyway, as I've explained in a past thread, my situation right now involves being completely closeted and presumed straight by all my friends/coworkers. In reality, I'm not even sure what I am. I definitely have an attraction to certain guys, but have had crushes on girls in the past too. Because I'm so uncertain, I've never had any real relationship with a girl or guy...and I'm 25. The loneliness has been really getting to me lately.

    Anyway, recently I decided to give the personals listings on Craigslist a shot. (Yes, this probably isn't advisable, but I was feeling desperate to meet people in a similar situation as me.) Most of the ads on there were downright disgusting, but the odd one seemed to emphasize friendship more than the other stuff. I responded to one ad and met the person for beer, but felt no attraction.

    Eventually, I posted my own ad in hopes of finding the right person. Again, almost all the replies were off-putting/strange, but I replied to one and we began chatting through text. This guy seemed nice but oddly clingy...and we hadn't even met yet! We eventually met for a bite to eat. Once again, I felt the desire to back off and didn't feel comfortable. We met up for a second time a couple days later (with many text conversations and some phone calls initiated by him in between), but now feel certain of the need to end it. I don't even know how to best do this - I think my tendency to be nice can unintentionally lead people on.

    I'm now even more confused than before. Does my near-complete lack of attraction mean that I'm not really bi/gay, or is it just that I'm uncomfortable with myself and with other people who are more openly that way? Should I go back to dating women in attempts of building an actual meaningful relationship? (I'm definitely done with CL, I'd say.)

    I can't see myself ever "coming out" without a cause to do so (i.e. a relationship with a guy), but then appearing as completely straight makes it seem impossible for this to happen.

    Any advice for any of my many problems would be greatly appreciated. I feel like my life is continually becoming more of a mess.
     
    #1 alTO, Jul 5, 2012
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2012
  2. TheEdend

    TheEdend Guest

    Just saw this, but hopefully it can still be of help.

    It does happen, but the best way to avoid that is to be as straight forward as possible. If you aren't really feeling it, then go ahead and let them know. Can be hard to do, but it will save you TONS of headaches.

    This might not be something you want to hear, but straight guys don't really question their sexuality when they are 25 which means you are at least bi. With that being said, it is very likely that the lack of attraction is more due to the people that you are meeting and because you aren't completely comfortable with that situation just yet.

    Like you said, I would stay away from Craiglist. It really is at the very bottom when it comes to anything. If you want to try other websites PM and I can suggest a few that are far better.

    This is the catch 22 that many people find themselves in. They want to come out only if they get a boyfriend, but its very hard to find a healthy relationship while you are in the closet.

    The thing to keep in mind is that dating is not the sole goal of coming out. More than anything, coming out is about being able to be yourself entirely without having to hide portions of your life or emotions. It is hard to do, so most of the time is better to concentrate on coming out or at least being okay with being bi/gay before concentrating on getting a relationship.
     
  3. alTO

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    TheEdend, thanks for your thorough reply, and sorry for only replying now. I forgot to subscribe to my thread and hadn't signed onto to the forum for a bit.

    You're 100% right about the catch 22. I'm just not sure how to approach the whole thing. If I made my sexuality known (whatever it is - let's say at least bi), I wouldn't want people to think about me differently which, let's face it, they would. I know this shouldn't matter, but I just can't get past this. So, I usually figure it's best to wait until it's "worth it" (i.e. a relationship), which is unlikely to happen while closeted. Sigh...

    In regard to the clingy friend above, I've been trying to distance myself. We met up a few days ago to grab lunch. All I can think about when I see him is that I need to tell him there's no chance of anything progressing further, but I can never do it. Would it be tacky to get it over with by phone rather than (unintentionally) leading him on with meet-ups? We've only met up I think four times altogether...
     
  4. TheEdend

    TheEdend Guest

    Well, lets start little by little. Before thinking about coming out just yet, I would encourage you to focus more on accepting yourself first and being okay with being who you are. At least in private. That alone is probably the hardest coming out you will ever have. After that, then you can start thinking about coming out to only one other person. And then just take it little by little from there. Else you are going to freak out and everything is going to seem very overwhelming :slight_smile:

    My first of is, have you talked to him about what is going on between you guys? Does he think that you guys might be more than friends or does he think that you guys are just talking like friends?

    One you get that convo out of the way, or if you think he is def interested in you, then you can tell him that you aren't ready for a relationship right now, which would be true. However you choose to do that is up to you. Face to face would be the "best" option, but as long as you don't lead him on then I'm of the opinion that anything goes.

    And have you thought about keeping him as a friend?
     
  5. alTO

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    That seems like good advice. I'll definitely try to work on myself. Random question: Do you know of any good, gay-themed movies? Maybe watching those could help increase my comfort level. (The closest I've seen is "The Beginners," if that counts.)


    Well, about five days after our first time meeting (and after his frequent texts and near-daily phone calls to just chat), I texted him saying I couldn't handle this, wasn't ready, and was sorry but couldn't continue. We then texted back-and-forth and he eventually convinced me to not end it. He's toned it down a bit since, but I'm quite certain he wants a relationship. I know this is not a possibility.

    I am open to remaining friends, yes. While I already know his answer, I think I might ask him if he desires it to go beyond friendship. After he says he does, I will tell him that I'm not ready now or for the foreseeable future, but that we can and should remain friends.

    Does that sound reasonable? Thanks for all your help, by the way.