My parents want to kill me

Welcome to EC! That's a tough situation, and I can't offer too much advice since I'm not out.

I'm glad your brother and uncle are there for you. If I were you, I'd go to therapy and also take advantage of the opportunity to get away from it all and go see your uncle. Go into therapy calmly, secure in yourself, but also knowing that they might be against you and say some hurtful things. Hopefully the therapist will be at least neutral or on your side, but if they aren't, just be patient and take everything they say with a grain of salt. If you can visit your uncle, do. Take the time to get support and clear your head, then you might be able to make a decision about your future. Good luck and please let us know how it goes.

Your parents might need some time, a few years even. If you can be independent, than it will give you a better chance of dealing with their reaction until they come around.

 

Hey Aldo. (*hug*)

I am VERY sorry you are having to go through this, but I am glad you understand that you are normal and that nothing is wrong with you.

You will find great support here, so I want you to keep us updated on what is going on.

I could perhaps give you some very specific advice, but I am afraid of giving you bad advice. You mentioned that your Uncle is in Germany, but you didn't mention what country you are currently in - this is important, because of the laws of your country. In certain countries, like say the Netherlands, you'd be able to get help from the local authorities.

You need to be careful, however, as your parents have selected the therapist. You're likely going to see a therapist that will try to engage in something known as "conversion therapy" - in other words, they're going to say you're mentally ill. All reputable mental health professionals reject this therapy, because sexual orientation is innate and cannot be changed.

You need to be aware of that, and do some research on the therapist in question before going.

I'm also skeptical about them willingly sending you to your uncle. I'm guessing your uncle didn't know you were gay until your parents told him. However, depending on which country you are currently in Germany may certainly be a safer place for you at the moment.

My gut instinct is telling me that, no matter what, you need to get out of that house and away from your parents. Your father physically assaulted you. This is not acceptable. Your mother has been threatening to kill you. This is not acceptable. This is, in fact, against the law. They both could be arrested for what they've done, but again it depends on what country you are currently located in.

Again, depending on your country, leaving for Germany may be a bad idea because its going to mean you're going to lose your job. I'm unsure how much your job pays you, is it enough to live independently, at least with roommates? Anything is preferable to staying in an environment in which you are physically and emotionally at risk.

If you are thinking about leaving your home country for any length of time, try to get a job in your new location.

Have you looked into local LGBT support groups?

(*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)

 

I read through this, and it really made me watery-eyed. Sure, I've heard stories of people being tormented and killed for being gay, but to hear that a gay person has been tormented and physically abused by their own parents is just so sad. Your parents really are the ones that need therapy. Do you think that they are mentally stable? And I'm not asking that because I disagree with what they've done; I ask because it doesn't seem like something that mentally healthy people would do.

The only advice I can think to give you is to go to Germany. Just go! You need to get away from your parents and be around somebody who is accepting.

 

I'm just glad it seems like you understand that your parents are the ones with the problem, not you.

I'm also really glad you found EC. You need a big hug. (*hug*)

I strongly suggest that you take the opportunity to go to Germany. You can figure things out there with a much more supportive environment.

We're here for you, Aldo! (*hug*)

 

There is very little I can add except for my support. That is a difficult situation and I'm not sure I would have been able to cope with it as long or as well as you have. You seem like a strong person.

I wish I could say more, but all I can say is this: You are not alone.

I'm sorry, but you're story has made me very emotional. I wish I could offer more than that but it's hard. Thank you for sharing.

 

Alright, this is all good news. At least you're not living in a country that is going to immediately imprison or execute you for being gay. I'm not going to suggest contacting the authorities, I'll leave that up to your judgment. However, I would not be averse to doing so if you believed that your life was in immediate danger.

Unfortunately, I don't speak Spanish. I've done some searching to try and find some support nearby for you, but the best I've come up with so far is the closet LGBT Community Center near you. It's located in Puerto Vallarta - which is a ways away. Their website is here. Their phone number is (322) 224-1974 and e-mail address is [email protected] .

My suggestion is that you contact them. Not because you intend to go to Puerto Vallarta, but because they are in the best position to give you advice on what to do in your current situation. They are likely best familiar on how to get you some protection, and might know someone or a group in your area that you can get in touch with in case of an emergency.

Even if they don't know anyone in your area, they should still be able to render you good advice regarding potentially contacting the local authorities for protection if necessary.

If I spoke Spanish, I'd have an easier time locating some nation wide LGBT support groups in Mexico, but unfortunately I don't.

It's also good news that your Uncle knew BEFORE you told your parents. It seems that you trust him, and that he's supportive. I find it odd that your parents would encourage you to go to someone supportive... but if they're willing to let that happen - consider taking it.

I don't know if you speak German or not, but if you don't it's going to be a stumbling block for you when it comes to getting a job in Germany. If you speak German, then by all means get on the next flight out and go to Germany.

If you don't speak German, though, you're going to need to weigh your options. You've got yourself a degree. Congratulations. You want to be able to make the most use of that, and to maximize your potential there you're going to need to speak the language of whatever country you are currently living in.

Based on what you learn from the LGBT Center in Puerto Vallarta, I'd use that to make my decision. You might be able to get protection from your parents from the authorities if it is necessary.

I'd also consider contacting your ex-boyfriend. Yes, things ended badly, but you can explain what is going on... and if he is a decent person, he'll understand that you really need a friend right now. If necessary (and possible) you might think about working out an arrangement where you can run off to his place for safety.

Other options that are open to you, especially with a degree, is applying for a Visa to Canada or the United States. You speak English and have a degree so that puts those options on the table.

Regardless, I suggest getting a passport if you don't already have one. If you decide to go to Germany you're going to need it anyway.

(*hug*) Don't worry. You're going to make it through this. (*hug*)

 

Please use properly formatted paragraphs next time you post a big wall of text like that, I'm really sorry but I couldn't get past the fifth sentence, big walls of text like that physically hurt my eyes, but I'm sure that others have given great advice already, just adding this as a sidenote so you know for next time.

All the best.

 

Hi Aldo
IDK if you still read this thread but I just read yours now (I'm also new here), and I can say that I can understand your situation clearly. I agree with Aldrick's post more than with any others. (specially part below, have to learn still how to make quotes sorry)

I thought my family was the worse and I feel really sorry for you, but worrying would never help in such, so just gather your self and be open minded and cautious, and not do things emotionally fearing you would lose every one you love.(why not talk to your BF, it was you who said want to leave, I guess You just wanted him to plead not to, may be I'm wrong but, pride won't do good in relationships, I believe or) you'll meet someone else in future if you have freedom (if you protect your freedom until then).

What I want to say if I were you I would never trust your parents ever, not on this matter for anything (your mother seems to be of really ingenious ( not meant to offense but sounds like she's got a mind like of my whole family joined together, they would never dream to do some things she's done), I hope I'm not exaggerating your situation or invading your territory of life, but due to what I understand on my life, I just couldn't refrain from replying here even I saw that no one was here since yesterday. ( I got emotional and could see myself in your situation, If it is my family I guess they would just label me with mental disability and imprison me somewhere and cut me off from everything and destroy me having any kind of future, using every possible way like society, friends, emotions, economy, law, medical advice, mental disabilities( suggestive), shame, family honor, etc..I would never have any sympathy for being me.

I could see my past, from you, when you were saying that therapy could help them, but now my understanding is one has to first help one self without putting them in danger. When you know you are safe of any danger you can turn to others if you want to help. My thoughts may not sound as most intelligent, but I think it's better if you just get out of your family (like Aldrick said) and do it without giving them any hint ( not to anyone) about leaving (you can call them later.( they probably keeping an eye on you without you knowing it). Because if you aren't going to be converted, don't expect them to be so either. Only thing you would realize finally, could be that you are just be stuck with haters rather than a loving family, and just hating your self, for your mistake (trust me I know how it is).

Also, you have mentioned that your mother have been suspecting you for many years and She had not believed when you lied or she wouldn't have found out about you. So she probably had the opportunity to think many strategies to act if you ever turn out gay and if so you are risking yourself in her hands. So why not just take your chance, you already have agreed on therapy, so things may have become a bit calm now, and can leave without a hint (do not thinking what you lose from it Think, is it worthy to lose yourself by gambling to protect what and who (relationship with parents) you have). You would have a job to live. May be they will just try to make trouble with it, so best thing is to leave the country if you likely to have issues for being gay with law. Else leave as sooner as possible to a area your people do not find where you live and could start fresh time will heal things then. ( sorry if I sound like a obsessed maniac, now but I learned from my experience how much we have to pay for not being cautious with your own people. they know you (may be more than we think) and society would just believe in them rather than you when you become an outlaw in the society. they raised you right, general belief is parents love children and almost everything they do would be just to protect their children . and that's sad). Talking about going to Germany, they could be really meaning you to go to your uncle or may be it's just a put up. The worst thing is you are going to lose your job , and by that losing your independence by having to rely upon someone else for your needs.

Your mother sent a man to scare you and it worked didn't it? it's obvious she knows how to deal with you when she wants to make you do something. If I were you I would never take their word (never trust). Something I've come across dealing with such people is that they never give up that easily and that they never try to do something if they don't see that they win in the end. When things don't work a they hoped, they just try it in every other possible way. like crying, threatening, emotional blackmailing, trying all week points in us saying they love and care, making own suicidal threats, so on. ( in my case I never completely trust relations, specially those from my mother's side. better not take huge risks).
I've learned that Best way to live is become independent in whatever way you can. For that have to always save everything that comes handy in future. (If me I'ld just keep an eye on my certificates (educational ,birth, everything safe and left probably with someone I really trust, that's all you need to find a job, so that I just can run away if I have to, ha ha.).

Sorry I may have sounded ridiculous. but my life is so when I look at it.

Just think of it and decide( anything). Wishing your happiness!

 

I don't have much to add, but I would say to trust your gut instinct when going into the "therapy". If they seem like they're trying to play mind games and convince you that being gay is wrong or something, get the hell out of there. You seem like you have pretty reliable reasoning though since you picked up on that trickery by your mother, so definitely just trust your instincts. It's amazing that you've been able to deal with such a horrible situation with such level-headedness and it's obvious that you are a very strong and brave individual. I wish you the best of luck and hopefully you can get into a better situation soon.(*hug*)(*hug*)

Also, if you go to Germany, I think a lot of Germans (and Europeans for that matter) know English. Since you already have a pretty decent grasp on the English language, trying to acclimate to living/working there might not be too difficult.

Keep posting on EC. Hang in there! (*hug*)

 

Don't worry Aldo, we're definitely listening and are here for you. (*hug*)

You made the right decision about your boyfriend if he was treating you that way. You don't deserve to be treated like that. I was hoping that it was just the stress of the situation that caused your relationship with him to dissolve, but if he was acting in that manner you made the right decision. You don't need someone in your life that treats you like that - you want someone who respects you for who you are, and not someone who is going to try and turn you into something else.

I've done so more research since you're having trouble reaching that LGBT Center. I managed to find another one located in Guadalajara. Here is the link to their site. Their contact information is (333) 618-7767 and the e-mail addresses they have listed are [email protected] and [email protected] . Hopefully you might get some information there, or at the very least, they'll be able to point you to some place where you can get help.

Since you've decided to go to therapy, all you can really do is hope for the best. I'd just be very careful riding somewhere with your parents. I'm unsure what type of transportation you have available to you, if possible drive yourself, have a friend accompany you, or take public transportation. Don't rely on your parents for transportation. You don't want to be in a situation where you're stuck somewhere and are trapped.

I am very concerned that the therapist they want to take you to is two hours away. Your town is not so small that it shouldn't have a therapist located there. If possible, it may be wise to re-negotiate into seeing a therapist in your local town. Specifically, one that you pick out yourself.

Finally, I want you to understand something very important. You are not to blame for what happened. This isn't your fault. You are not responsible for the actions and reactions of your parents. It is also not your responsibility to get them help. They are adults and you are their child. They are responsible for themselves. When they threaten to commit suicide, their intention is to manipulate you into doing what they want. They are not actually suicidal.

What they are doing to you is wrong. I know you love your parents even after what they've done to you. This speaks highly of who YOU are, and of YOUR personal character. But you have to put yourself first and think of your own safety.

What your parents expect from you is irrelevant. What they ask from you is irrelevant. What they demand from you is irrelevant. What they try to manipulate you into doing is irrelevant. They are adults and they are responsible for their own actions - not you.

Finally, I am unsure if your straight friends know that you are gay. If you think they might be accepting, I'd come out to them. You desperately need a support network around you, and a potential place to crash in case of an emergency.

I hope some of this helps. Continue to stay strong. (*hug*)

 

I think you're going to be fine then, Aldo. (*hug*)

Since you're driving yourself and letting other people know where you're going, you should be reasonably safe. Use your best judgment and listen to your instincts. At least you have the support of your brother and your friend.

If you don't hear back from the LGBT Center in Guadalajara soon, my suggestion is to slip away to one of your friends homes that you can trust. It's easier if they know what is going on, as you can explain why. You can then use their phone.

You're intelligent and you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Just follow what your gut tells you, and keep your phone on you at all times. (*hug*)

Keep us updated.

 

It seems like most of the stuff which you can use to help you has already been given by others, but I'll add my two cents:

You need to get away from your parents as soon as possible. I know that's harder than it sounds, but your mother and father have both assaulted you, and the 'suicide' plea they're using is just a threat to get you to side with them. If you can go to Germany and get employment there, try your best. Even if it isn't a great job, it will hopefully be enough to get you money to establish yourself away from your parents. If not, just stay with your uncle for a while. Eventually, they will come to terms with it.

Conversion therapy won't involve any medication. If it does, they're probably just placebos i.e. fake medication.

 

It's good that it seems you have a supportive therapist. However, just be aware that sometimes it can be deceptive. My advice is to always trust in your own judgment. You are smart and have a good head on your shoulders. Use it.

When I was eighteen the first person I ever came out to was a therapist. He seemed supportive at first, but after a few visits he began to question how I knew I was gay. He wanted me to find a way to make sure, and started suggesting things like I hook up with a male prostitute.

I never actually told him I lost my virginity at a rather young age, and had up until a couple of years prior had been highly sexually active.

It isn't uncommon for people, even gay people, to hold odd beliefs like this. You don't need to actually have sex with another guy to know for certain that you are gay. Just like a straight person doesn't need to have sex with someone of the opposite gender to know they're straight. People in their minds frequently equate being gay with a sexual act, but that is not what homosexuality is - it is an orientation. You know who you want to be romantically involved with (and by extension sexually involved with), because you're attracted to that gender.

People can hold quite silly beliefs such as this that might be harmful to you. My ex-therapist from years ago was rather insistent that I couldn't know for certain unless I was sexually active. Suffice it to say, things didn't work out well with him.

However, I don't want to dissuade you from therapy. A good therapist can do wonders for you - it's just important that you keep your wits about you.

I'm back in therapy, years later, and my current therapist is amazing. I set the agenda for what we do and don't do, what we talk about and don't talk about. It's not an authoritative relationship, a relationship in which he tells me what to do and I follow his instructions. I'm the one who is in charge, I make the decisions, and he advises me and makes suggestions. I'm free to ignore his advice and suggestions at my discretion.

This is a relationship that works well for me, and I'm seeking a great deal of personal improvement from it.

My advice to you is set the tone. The issue regarding sex and relationships can wait. You have more pressing matters; like the fact that your parents assaulted you and have threatened your life. You can enlist his help in that matter. You can also open up to him about what they've done and what they've threatened to do.

He may have other gay patients who have gone through something similar, and he will hopefully know how to handle this type of situation.

I'm glad things worked out well with the therapist. I am relieved. (*hug*)

 

Hey Aldo, I'm glad you have a supportive psychologist & your parents will get help. Your mother has abused you enough, spying on you & sending people to threaten you! I hope you told that to your psychologist. Don't give up, therapy will help your relationship with your family. Stay strong.<3