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My disconnect between love and desire

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by bisectedreality, Jul 5, 2012.

  1. bisectedreality

    Regular Member

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    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Can I somehow have both?

    I am in the longest relationship of my life - six years. We've been living together for five. We're 30 now, not married. Some might say we're practically married. We've talked about it, but have never felt the need, what we have is good. I love her so deeply, and we share a bond that is sweet, and special, and unique. We get along great, and do not fight. But we - here's the embarassing part - haven't had sex in over two years! We've never had it often to begin with, compared with other girlfriends of mine, but now we're in a real drought. And I blame myself. But I am no longer attracted to her. She's attractive. She's just not the woman of my fantasies. Some of whom are around me constantly. And it tears me up that I may not be giving her pleasure just because of that. And that I know she wonders if she's doing something wrong.

    I'm also starting to finally settle with myself that I am bisexual. Though they may seem related, these are two separate fact about me. I've always thought I might be, I've I had some attraction to men since 15, but it's always been fairly subdued. It's always been purely physical. I have no attraction to romance with men, or to kissing. I know from reading other forums that many people assume if a guy is with a girl and not having sex, then he is probably gay. And for me, that's just not true. I understand why it might look that way, but the majority of my fantasies are about women, and when I think about men, a lot of the time it involves wanting a woman to open me up to my own bisexuality.

    I have never been with a man, never cheated on my current girlfriend either. And don't plan on it. I've been tempted for months now, really tempted, to open up, to tell her I'm bisexual. To just blurt it out. I don't know why. I guess it's just a pressing need in my soul. To make a change. To get my life moving again. To be more authentic, more me.

    I want to sit with a girl, maybe her, maybe someone else, and just talk about hot guys. But our intimacy problems are a scary hurtle. And we do not talk about sex in a mature way at all, which is probably a great deal of the problem we face. My problem is I desperately want to come out. But I have these fantasies of telling a woman who's a bit domineering, who will be turned on by the idea of guys together, who I can confide in. My girlfriend is not dominant, she is an absolute sweetheart, but I worry that maybe she is not who I want sexually, and she is not who I want to first share my bisexuality, or knowledge of it, with. I'm torn between this comfortable, wonderful life ahead I know I can have with her, and this other unknown life. The riskier one. The one I wish I had sometimes.

    I'm constantly wishing I had come out when I went to college, when I didn't know my close friends ye.t, when being bi wouldn't have mattered. Now it does. It's like I've missed those 'fun, experimental years.' But I know I can't just live in regrets.

    I worry that I'm wrapped up in a fantasy, that's unrealistic. I'm not worried about her judging me, but I am of her internalizing it as somehow her fault, when it's anything but. And I worry about her wondering why it took me so long to come out to her. When I have no idea of that myself. Is it worth it?
     
  2. Ianthe

    Full Member

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    Hi, Welcome to Empty Closets!

    I think you should definitely come out to her. It may very well dramatically improve your sex life, and it doesn't sound like it could make it much worse.

    If she can't accept it, then she isn't the right girl for you. You need to be with someone who will love you for who you really are.

    You should know that a lot of men who are gay or bisexual feel that they could only have sex with men, but not fall in love with one, but then later, as they accept themselves more, they do end up having deeper feelings for them than they thought.
     
  3. Jim1454

    Full Member

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    Hi there, and welcome to EC! You've come to the right place for sure.

    What strikes me is that you're in a relationship with someone and you haven't been sexual with them for over 2 years. That seems extreme to me - so something is definitely not right with that relationship.

    But I'm not sure that coming out as bi is going to help it. Putting that whole issue asside, I would strongly recommend that you investigate getting some couples counselling. There is something going on that isn't healthy.

    Maybe it does have something to do with your orientation. Maybe it is having more of an impact on you than you are prepared to acknowledge.

    I was going to say just this. For me, my attraction to men was purely physical. It was just about 'getting off'. But that's because I had convinced myself that I was supposed to live a 'straight' life. I was married to a wonderful woman and had 2 kids. Fantasizing about other men eventually did turn to cheating with other men - which I'm not proud of and don't recommend to anyone. But I still didn't consider myself gay - just 'curious'. But eventually I couldn't deny it any longer, and when I came to accept that I was gay, I COULD see myself in a relationship with a man. And that's what happened. I've been with the same great guy for 4.5 years and I'm more in love than I've ever been with anyone else.

    And I WAS having sex with my wife.

    So I'd strongly recommend counselling. If for no other reason than it will provide you with the tools or perhaps the safe environment for you to have the conversation about being bisexual as well.

    Good luck!