Well, to start off, my dad is a pastor. He keeps talking about how he wants to perform my wedding ceremony someday, but the truth is, I don't want him to. Even if I was straight, it wouldn't change my mind. I would find it awkward to have him performing it, plus he tends to ramble, and requires 6 (or more) months of counseling to marry the couple. How do I tell him if the issue ever comes up again? Should I offend him and tell him the truth, or suck it up and let him have his way? I've lived enough of my life sacrificing what I want for the happiness of those around me, so I'm used to it. Any advice?
He knows your marriage will be with another guy, right? And I'd suggest just telling him straight up. He needs to know how you're feeling about this and if he's a decent father he shouldn't be offended. Sure, he may be disappointed, but he needs to learn to respect your wishes.
If he hates gay people, I don't think he would want to do the ceremony. I think there's a chance he could still accept you though. What denomination is he? (Are pastors for baptists?) Is it him, or his church that's anti-gay? I would think more about coming out and see where you are after that before you worry about your wedding.
Don't sacrifice your happiness for him. Be honest. If you let him do it then you'll always be resentful of him pressuring you into letting it happen. Hell, he might just assume you WANT him to do it. You never know, he might feel the same way. You don't have to be rude or mean about it. Just tell him that you don't feel comfortable with him in that role at your wedding. If you want him involved in your wedding at all, such as your best man, I'd tell him that you'd rather have him in that role instead. Hell, if necessary, you can make up a role for him. It's your wedding after all. Example: "You're going to be the Master of Ceremonies." "What does the Master of Ceremonies do?" "A lot of things, but it's one of the most important jobs. You'll be heavily involved with everyone, don't worry." Let him walk you down the isle, let him say a prayer or something, and then take a seat. If you aren't even engaged or anything, then flat out tell him that it's going to have to be a decision that both you and your fiancé come to together. You can soften the blow by telling him, no matter what you're going to make sure he takes a role in the wedding. Just be sure to think of a potential role in case he asks. If he gets angry or disrespectful over the issue, then he is disrespecting you and has some serious control and boundary issues. After all, your wedding day has nothing to do with him or what he wants. He should want you to be happy, and he might just be assuming that you want him in that role... which is why I say let him down gently if that is the case. ---------- Post added 6th Jul 2012 at 01:32 AM ---------- :eusa_doh: You posted more information while I was typing. I think it invalidates some of what I said. I agree with Runallday4. I'm sorry your Dad has been so negative against gay people. (*hug*) I say use my suggestions to placate him, and work on coming out to him.
Well, maybe he won't want to, then, or even won't be able to, under the rules of his church. No sense in borrowing extra trouble. You absolutely must not marry a woman in order to please him. Please, please don't do that. If that's what this question is getting at... just don't. Once you are out to him, you can just say that you think it would just be uncomfortable for all of you under the circumstances. Although, if he changes his views dramatically enough that he wants to perform the ceremony, I think you should seriously consider it. That would be a really big deal. I mean, if he offers to perform your gay marriage ceremony, that would be a gesture of complete acceptance, and you might want to think really carefully about rejecting that. You might ask if you could have someone else do the six months or whatever of counseling. Just say that you think it would be better to have someone do that who isn't biased by being your father. Someone neutral, who isn't part of your family--otherwise, the person you are marrying might not feel comfortable expressing any problems.
