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anyone here been in the Canadian foster care system?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Caoimhe Fayre, Jul 6, 2012.

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  1. Caoimhe Fayre

    Caoimhe Fayre
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    Has anyone here been in the Canadian Foster Care system?

    What was it like? Was it primarily a good or bad experience? Do you think it's more likely to be a good thing or a bad thing?

    I ask because my mom just called to let me know that Children's Aid took the kids. She wants me to help her get the house clean (it's unsafe) so she can try to get them back, but I don't know if I want her to get them back or not.

    It depends on if Foster Care is likely to be better for them or not... as she has a tendency to be emotionally abusive, and as the way her house is currently is the way it is usually... I don't want to help her get them back if Foster Care could work out better for them... but what if they get placed with some crazies or something? or what if they get split up (there's three of them)? and would I be allowed to visit them at all, as their older sister, or no?

    and what about her? she sounded really depressed. she has had suicide attempts in the past. with losing the kids, well, what if she tries again?

    :frowning2: I don't know what to do.
     
    #1 Caoimhe Fayre, Jul 6, 2012
  2. Aielar

    Aielar
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    I was in the foster care system for the first five years of my life, and I don't consider it a positive experience, even though I have blocked most of it out. My brother and I weren't separated, but we were passed around alot - twenty five times or so. At one point, we went to stay with our birth mother for a couple months, which didn't work out for anyone involved. Eventually I got out of the system and was adopted when I was ten.

    The way the foster care system is now, I don't think it's the best idea for children to be removed from the home. Instead, try and find out if there is some parenting programs offered in your community to support parents in their roles and to help your mother create and maintain a safe environment for your younger siblings. You mentioned depression and suicide attempts? Well, for that, I recommend suggesting that she go see a therapist. It's much harder to be an effective parent when one is trying to cope with depression.

    There's a higher chance of your sibling getting separated since there is three of them, and not many families who are interested in fostering children are ready or willing to bring three children at one time into their home. But there's also a chance that they won't be separated, so I would bring your concerns to your mom or whoever you feel will listen and address the questions you have.

    If you need to rant about this, or ask more questions, I'll be around. Best of luck <3
     
    #2 Aielar, Jul 7, 2012
  3. Caoimhe Fayre

    Caoimhe Fayre
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    I'm just scared of what will happen to them. I hope they don't get placed with someone who will hurt them. if I weren't living in such a small apartment and if I weren't in school right now, I'd try to get custody of them myself, but that's not an option. once I start working, hopefully in December, I'll be able to save up and get a bigger place, and then I might have a chance of being allowed to take them but right now it's just not possible. :frowning2: I wish there was more I could do to help my mother, but I can't force her to change or to make better choices. It's not within my power.
     
    #3 Caoimhe Fayre, Jul 8, 2012
  4. ccdd

    ccdd Guest

    I wasn't in the Canadian foster care system, but I was in the British one. I was then, weirdly, adopted at a similar age to Aieler (never met anyone else who was, not even 'online'!)

    It's a mixed bag.

    If you get lovely foster parents, it's lovely. If you don't, it's not.

    If they're in a nice home, and they're not being fast-tracked for adoption or something, then it might offer a good opportunity for your mum to sort herself out to get them back whilst they're somewhere being cared for.

    You say that you're not able to offer custody of the children, but are you able to offer support to your mum to help her? Are there any other adults that you know and trust who might be able to either help your mum or have custody of the children?

    Make sure that the social workers that you exist and that you want visitation rights (if you do).

    Is there any chance they might get adopted? Just make sure that social workers know that you're around and your plans. What you don't want is for them to go to foster parents, and then, by the time you're ready, for the social workers to say they haven't heard of you and that the children are settled and that they can't move them to you etc etc.

    My precise advice, of course, sort of depends on the situation the children are in with your mum and what you think of it, and whether you want them to return (and whether they should).

    But not all foster parents are bad. I had some BRILLIANT ones. I don't think you can assume they're all bad - - - but certainly, there is that risk.

    But try and make sure you're around and visiting so that you can know. If the children seem to be unhappy in the foster home, complain to their social worker or case worker.

    Even if you can't look after them yourself, you can still be their champion from outside - pressuring people to keep them together, making sure they're looked after, etc. Just being a relative they can get visits from.

    (((hugs)))
     
    #4 ccdd, Jul 8, 2012
  5. Chip

    Chip
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    Depends on the province, and even to some extent on the local agency. On the whole, my impression is that Canadian foster care and CPS is substantially superior to what we have in the US, and there's a strong focus on getting kids what they need, providing education, counseling, and support services. If it is possible to reunite the children with the birth family, the CPS workers will always try to do that if it's in the best interests of the children.

    You should be able to have a phone conversation with the case worker involved in the situation. That will tell you a lot about how the situation is being handled. My guess is that you'll come away with a positive feeling about the situation.
     
    #5 Chip, Jul 8, 2012
  6. Caoimhe Fayre

    Caoimhe Fayre
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    I could scream right now. I told my mom no to helping her clean her house, because I have a lot of major assignments and tests coming up in school and I need to focus on my own future right now.

    but I felt guilty ALL weekend, and worried and distracted ALL weekend, and also all day today I couldn't concentrate on my classes. I was even going to call CAS tomorrow afternoon after class to make sure the case worker knew I wanted to be involved and stay connected to the girls even if they get placed in foster care... I couldn't stop dwelling on it, and I was distracted and I honestly felt like the world's worst daughter. After several weeks of not self-injuring or even thinking about it, I wanted to cut all weekend because of the emotional stress it caused me (but I overcame the urge by talking with friends and going for a walk and crying).

    My little sister popped up on FB today. I asked her if she was okay, how her weekend was, what was happening... turns out, the younger girls were with a neighbor and friend of my mother's for the weekend, and the 14yr old was with her friend for the weekend. What are the chances that CAS will take a woman's children from her and place them with her next door neighbor and best friend for one weekend, and just return the kids on Monday morning?

    So now I am left wondering if my mom was LYING to me in an effort to manipulate me into cleaning her house for her??? Since she knows that was a boundary I set with her a long time ago, that I am not her cleaning lady... that when I come to visit, it's to visit, not to sit there and wait while she spends two hours playing on the computer and not to clean her house for her...

    I mean, I guess it's possible she was telling the truth. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she was lying again, except she's done stuff like this before (throwing herself into the wall and bruising herself and claiming her boyfriend was to blame for her injuries, telling me it would cost 21$ to attend my little sister's grad when according to my sister's school there was no cost involved, etc). so now I feel stupid for believing her and worrying so much. Just in case, I will call CAS anonymously tomorrow to ask if it is possible that a worker would place a woman's children with her next door neighbor for the weekend...

    regardless, I am also making sure that all the girls know my phone number by heart and can contact me themselves in an emergency. Also, if I discover for sure that my mom was lying and trying to manipulate me, I will refuse to have any unnecessary contact with her (meaning, if it doesn't have to happen in order for me to see the girls, it is not going to happen) and I will refuse to allow myself to grow concerned over anything she says ever again. I don't care if it makes me the worst daughter in the world, I can't allow her to keep screwing with me, lying to me and manipulating me like this anymore. :tears::bang:
     
    #6 Caoimhe Fayre, Jul 9, 2012
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2012
  7. Aielar

    Aielar
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    Having personal boundaries does not make you a bad daughter, it just means that you want your family members to respect your limits. There's nothing wrong with helping your mom clean her house, but if she sits at the computer while you clean, there's something wrong there. You're being taken advantage of, and that's not okay. It's obvious you know this however. So...just stick to your boundaries on this issue if it turns out your mother was lying. As you said, you're not her cleaning lady - and there's likely plenty of people who could be hired if she wanted someone to clean her house for her.

    I've said it once and I'll say it again, you're not a bad daughter. Hope this helps :slight_smile:
     
    #7 Aielar, Jul 9, 2012
  8. Chip

    Chip
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    There is absolutely ZERO question your mom was lying. If CPS removes children from the family, #1, they would not place them with the next-door neighbor or best friend, for a whole host of reasons; #2, they would not return them on Monday morning, and #3, they would not take them away simply because the house was messy.

    No offense, but your mom sounds like a complete piece of shit. Anyone that would lie about something like that, in my book, is not someone I would want to put any time into. And, arguably, anyone that would do that sort of shit probably DOES deserve to have CPS called on her; she is not doing her children any favors.
     
    #8 Chip, Jul 10, 2012
  9. Night Rain

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    I think you should get her some help. Take her to a psychiatrist or something? :-S
     
    #9 Night Rain, Jul 10, 2012
  10. Caoimhe Fayre

    Caoimhe Fayre
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    I can't force her to seek help. She has to make her own choices. Honestly, if she weren't the "gatekeeper" to my little siblings - especially for the younger two - I would have nothing more to do with her, ever, after this. I mean, I still love her, but I can't allow her to continue trying to manipulate me.

    Once the younger two are older and are able to decide to call or visit on their own, without her intervention, then I probably will have nothing more to do with her. But I feel trapped right now, I want to stay connected to my little sisters and be someone they can turn to when they need help.

    I don't know. I was debating moving away anyway (a few hours by train, so the kids could come for longer visits but less frequent), because I want to move somewhere where there is more of an LGBT community... and this has made me both want to get away even more so, but also more hesitant to leave because... what if the kids end up needing me as someone to turn to?
     
    #10 Caoimhe Fayre, Jul 12, 2012
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