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Lesbian and living in a Muslim community

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Chalipa, Jul 7, 2012.

  1. Chalipa

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Hi everyone.
    It's the first time i am posting but i have known this forum for some time and it's really great here.
    So i am born and raised in a very strict Muslim country.When i was young,I was pretty much free to do anything.I was very tomboyish.I had one doll and i usually used it to beat my brother.my friends were all boys.I loved to challenge them and show them i was better at various games.sexually i was much more knowledgeable than my peers and my curiosity was completely focused on girls bodies.boys equipment seemed simple and not at all intriguing.
    then I turned 9 and the world around me changed dramatically.for those who don't know,9 is the age that things like hijab and gender segregation becomes compulsory.
    I was torn from my world and thrust into a different one.I constantly asked my mom what was wrong with my male friends that i can no longer be with them.she usually gave me vague answers that somehow convinced me that male-female attraction is something out of control and any male is attracted to any female and vice versa.I was kept away from any male person beside my younger brother and father.When i was 14 i had a class with a male teacher and i was so nervous that i used to get panic attacks before and after the class.I was frightened that something could happen.like i'm going to feel attracted to him.I couldn't even look at the guy who by the way was really weird looking.
    So now about 8 years after that,i'm still struggling with this extreme nervousness around men.The main problem is that this nervousness makes me doubt my sexual orientation.I'm completely sure of my sexual orientation and i know this feeling (that i'm somehow fooling myself that i'm gay) is irrational but i can't overcome it.
    I am okay for a while and then someone says something and triggers this obsession again.I go and look at nude male bodies to test my orientation.I can't go out and can't handle encounters with men because i'm super aware of them and then a couple of weeks pass and i go back to my normal self and wait for the next one.
    I am really tired of this situation.I have so many problems but this one is really wearing me down.I don't know how to make it go away.:tears:
     
  2. farah

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    The Middle East
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Some say environmental factors may contribute to sexual orientation but one cannot simply be gay just because of the society they live in. I think the place you live in & what your parents tell you cause this unnecessary anxiety toward the opposite sex. Ask yourself questions. Do you feel the same way about males & females in terms of emotional & physical attraction? If you want you can search on Google for a queer Muslim group as well as on Tumblr.
     
  3. Chalipa

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Oh i am sure about my sexuality.I have been sexually drawn to females since i remember.My problem is the obsessive thoughts that i can't get rid of.It's like someone who knows his hands are clean but can't stop washing them.
     
  4. smprob

    Full Member

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    Hi Chalipa,

    I have experienced a similar kind of oddness myself, I guess it's how human minds work.

    You've said :

    it may be that idea has gone deeply into your mind and now all your thoughts emerge base on that.

    I think trying to see how you feel deep inside your mind, by being honest with your self, would help to understand, if it is so. discussing with a consultant may be better if your family concern it positively .

    Have you noticed there are times you agree with those thoughts about yourself when you feel it's comfortable or compatible with you and your beliefs (any kind) and accept them as possible or correct thoughts and when not just find reasons to disagree and adhere to the thought as it's wrong. That won't let you understand the real you. That's what I meant.

    Hope it would work with you.(*hug*) IDK it had with me.

    Also liking women is your sexual orientation and nervousness or being super aware has nothing to do with your sexual orientation:icon_wink if you don't like to involve with them romantically or physically:***:.
     
    #4 smprob, Jul 8, 2012
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2012