So after much talk in chat room about another persons problem I sorta stumbled into one of my own and although I do see why my problem is bad... I just can't seem to get past my reasoning for it. Now I know I've done it in countless threads and god knows how many times I've done it in chats but I always say "There's no guy out there for me" or "Like a guy would ever want me as a boyfriend". Now my ideal boyfriend or guy would be tall, slim...ish or average like me. Personality wise I;m not to bothered as long as there not horrible. But someone mentioned to me that I would potential excluding compatible because of this. Now my problem is, although I'm not shallow, there's is just certain body types AKA bigger guys etc that don't appeal to me.... Is that wrong of me to have these presumptions? If I meet a guy who isn't exactly like me in terms of build but the emotional connection is there then I've just got this horrible feeling that the relationship will not take off or last because of this presumption I've got stuck in my head. Now don;t get me wrong I'm not imaging this perfectly formed guy but at the same time, if were at least similar in appearance to what I imagined that it wouldn't be a problem (God knows if anyone can make sense of this) I see where people are coming from about the "you'll be excluding potential boyfriends" just because they don't fit the appearance you want but at the same time I often wonder if I'm the only thinking like this and whether it wrong to. Someone else also mentioned that guys that think like this either end up alone or end up with total twats who will take one look at another guy whose hotted than you and be gone. Is this just the way it's gonna be for me? btw I'm not involved in the whole partying/gay scene and don;t really mix with gay people which probably shoots my chances down pretty low of ever finding anyone. I feel really crappy and that now. I could cry:tears:. I don;t judge people on appearance but at the same time..................... I don't know. I probably will just end up a sad and lonely person. So much for that positive feeling I had. It's completely gone now :icon_sad::icon_sad::icon_sad::icon_sad:
I have felt similar to this, mine is a bit the opposite though, in that I prefer bigger guys..well guys who are bigger then me at least or my size...I've kind of started to realize I want guys who are bigger then me because I feel smaller when I'm with them...and for some reason I feel unattractive when I'm the bigger guy in a relationship, also I like to be the more submissive one in a relationship so I drift towards either bigger muscular, average or chubby guys....someone pointed the same thing out to me that I might be passing up on guys who are a little slimmer or twinkish because of my own insecurities...and I've really been trying to work on it...I guess I don't have much advice but, you're not the only one who has problems with looking for a particular body type when looking for a boyfriend....I guess all I can say is try to figure out why you don't want a bigger guy....maybe someone else will have better advise for you..lord knows I could use it on this issue too....all I can say for sure is you aren't going to end up alone I'm sure there are a ton of guys you could date even if you only look for one type of guy.
There's nothing wrong with having preferences. If I had my way, I'd have someone who was average height, slim yet athletic, blonde messy-yet-kept hair, cute and nerdy yet not nerdy, all with an amazing personality to boot. I can dream of this guy as much as I want, but the odds of me actually finding him are slim and none. That being said, in that list of qualities I'm attracted to, yeah, guys with some of those naturally draw my attention. There's also just as many guys opposite to those qualities who draw my attention. Like you, I'm also not into bigger guys. And you know what, there's probably a good chunk of bigger guys who aren't into slim-ish average guys like you either. Everyone has preferences. Yeah, being with someone you're absolutely repulsed by is probably not going to work out well. If you go around and ask couples if they're with their "dream person", I guarantee you none of them would say yes. But they're all perfectly happy, right? Our physical appearances (and preferences about them) help us to quickly weed out who we're immediately attracted to and who we aren't. Personalities more often than not reel people in and hold their attention. If you meet someone you're really into (and by that I'm describing personality; you don't say that about someone's looks) their looks will start to matter less and less. You know the saying "don't judge a book by it's cover"? That's what I'm talking about. When you find a book worth reading, the rest won't matter nearly as much as it is before. I think the only time that having preferences becomes an issue is if you're changing from a preference into a rule. If you run around saying "I absolutely REFUSE to date anyone who is ________" then yeah, you're excluding a bunch of people and probably going to come off like a total dick. That's where the difference lies. tl;dr 1) Stop beating yourself up for being human. We all have preferences. 2) Attraction goes far beyond physical appearances. I'd argue personality is much more attractive in the grand scheme of things (long-term) than physical appearances (short-term); it's just we automatically notice the latter first. 3) Just let yourself like whoever you happen to like. There's a difference between preferring to date X and refusing to date Y. The rest will fall into place.
Physical appearance changes over time. That's pretty much an inescapable fact, even if you get a ton of Botox and plastic surgery. So if you want a relationship to last, to mean anything, and to be enjoyable, it can't be based only or even mostly on physical appearance (unless you're one of those completely shallow people who go out with someone and then drop them as they get older.) So what's important in the long term is how you connect with the person. It's more than just "not being horrible"; it should be someone that you love to be around, someone who fulfills you, makes you laugh, makes you think, and reminds you every day why you feel such a connection to them. Appearance can play a role in that but, honestly, appearance should be something that catches your eye in the first place... the hook that snags you... but then it's the personality that cements the bond that makes a real relationship work.
I really don't know why I bother anyway. Like I said in my original post. I'm probably gonna end up a sad and lonely person despite what people may protest. The sooner I accept that fact the better for me
You bother because you care. On some level deep down, you care. The sooner you stop having a pity party for yourself because you're human - just like everyone else - the better for you.
....... No. I'd rather know am gonna end up alone than people tell me "You'll find someone eventually" and all that stuff
gazza reading your replies to what everyone else has written..... i can only say.... youre 22. not 92. you ahve your whole life to find someone. people these days at your age think the worlds gunna end because theyre single at that age when they feel they 'should' be finding someone/being more serious about relationships/should have some person to commit to. im not bothered if i dont have a girlfriend within the next 10 years...... im just gunna have fun. i can understand that people want a relationship but you cant say how your life will turn out.... you sort of have to let it unfold..... and not worry. some people just never get married and thats fine, some people have kids out of wedlock thats fine, however your life turns out is just fine. the more content you are with yourself the more positive attention you will recieve from people. saying youre never gunna find someone at this age, is like just silly. you arent forever alone, youre 22!!!! go have fun! stop worrying so much! and on what you originally posted, i personally do have preferences.... well everyone does. i dont voice my preferences though because i just feel it unnecessary. if i met a nice girl and she was a size 22, but she made me laugh and smile, i would sure as hell date her. size and psychical apperance isnt be all and end all. a relationship based purely on that wont last, or maybe it will but probably for the wrong reasons. when you fall in love you dont care what the person looks like you just want to be with them no matter what they look like.... if they shave their hair e.t.c. if you do care, youre probably in lust. a girl once told me she was dating me because i was 'nice', but yet she kept going on about her ex all the time until she said 'the only reason i dated her was because she was hot'.... she then dumped me for her ex. it took a while but i realised she was shallow and she wasnt the girl for me. to be in a relationship you have to have some attraction to the person, some peoples relationships there is more personality attraction, where as others there is more looks attraction. its just depends. im not saying youre a bad person im just saying everyone has preferences but when you fall in love you can fall for literally anyone, even those outside of your 'preferences' because its whats inside that matters
But the thing is, you DON'T know what'll happen in the future. Nobody can tell you that. You can, however, certainly affect whatever will come by how you choose to march onwards into the unknown. As I'm sure you've learned here on EC, I'm not good at being "warm and fuzzy" supportive. I could sit here and tell you that you'll find someone eventually and try my absolute hardest to convince you to believe it, but that's the catch - it won't do any good unless YOU believe it. And realistically, there's nothing I can say that will make you believe it. You have to find something for yourself that makes it click so you really do believe it. I will, however, lay out what is realistic for you, and that's what I was talking about in my first post - that what you're thinking isn't "terrible", that it's totally normal to have preferences, and that you'll learn once you find someone you truly love that your preferences are not the be-all, end-all of a relationship (like flyinhernikes said too). I will also echo everything flyinhernikes said above. There's more to life than being in a relationship. We all need to learn to be happy being single and be happy with ourselves... after all, there's nobody else we have to spend the rest of our lives with besides ourselves. Along with being comfortable with yourself comes a sense of confidence. And confidence is universally attractive (and also not a physical trait). So, what good does it do you to worry about what the future hold? It just makes you unhappy about what you think is gonna come and makes you miserable in the present, the time that you can actually affect. Don't let it get to you. I can't give you any more "good" advice (IMO) other than to stop beating yourself up. You certainly haven't done anything wrong to deserve the ringer you're putting yourself through.
I guess I've probably been over doing it on EC and it isn't helping. Not that you guys are not helpful, quite the opposite I just think I should just take a break from EC for while and get things in order and come back when I'm a lot happier shall we say I'm sure reading my constant threads "Life's crap" and "I'm gonna end up alone" isn't helping anyone and can often bring other people's mood down
