I feel like a total dick.

I'm kind of the same way. Sure, I think it's great that they're brave and comfortable enough with their sexuality to openly express themselves like that, but there's a small piece of me that doesn't like it. I think it's just because I'm worried that straight people will assume that ALL gay people are like that, and I know that I'm not flamboyant at all. So I guess that I'm just afraid of being labeled with that kind of stereotype.

 

I understand, you don't like people that stereotype homosexuality, maybe it makes you feel like if you told you're parents you where gay they would expect you to act like that? or maybe it just felt like they where trying to hard to seem gay?
After all why should you feel like a dick just because you don't like someone, or have an opinion on something.
In life there will always be people you just won't like, for various reasons, or maybe not any reasons at all. It doesn't make it right, but really pretending you like people is any better is it?

 

I'd say it's pretty understandable since you're not out to that group. That can make it seem much more amplified as well as you were possibly at "heightened alert". I'm assuming, you may have been making stronger than usual efforts to not 'be gay' - not saying that you'd rather join in on the flamboyant fun, but, you'd probably be much more at ease around flamboyant people who you're out to. That said, I'd say you're not being a dick, just flustered with the situation - that is, if I'm getting this correctly.

 

haha! i had to read about you being a dick!

anyways, i feel very uncomfy around flamoyant gays as it feels pout on and exagerated. one time a guy at work said he wanted to have a baby. i said if you wanna be a woman you gotta have a period and cramps and....suddenly his voice dropped 2 octives and he said yuck thats gross no way! i said if ya wanna have the good stuff and claim to be a girl ypu gotta take the bad too or you are making women into a fashion thing not human.
men and women are equallly gross and human. just different. playing a patrt is what i am against.

i believe im a guy inside, but i played a girl cuz i wanted to be good and have acceptance. im not happier and i dont feel much sucess. i feel bettrr being real. and i dont swagger or try to act like a man! thats just as fake.

i seen sites that tell us to pass to act manly. not like any men id hang out with! maybe they read about being truely gay you gotta walk and talk etc too? i hope not.

if they act happy but must do it 24/7 it is just as hard as faking straight.

i always figured girly prissy girls also are faking cuz it looks so put on a show. but maybe im wrong?

 

Yea don't feel bad at all dude, no offense to anyone on this site who is really flamboyant (Theres nothing wrong with it) But, I can't hang out with them, wouldn't date a guy like that and don't wanna be friends with them for the simple reason that...I have nothing to talk about with them..I don't watch soaps..I love football and mostly just play video games...the one time I tried to go on one date with a guy like that he just talked about celebrities I had never heard of, music I didn't like, Tv shows I didn't know existed..and I was really really bored...There is nothing mean about the way you feel you just don't have anything in common with them...and people generally don't like spending time with people they have nothing in common with (no matter how nice those people may be).

 

^what he said!

 

I honestly thought I was the only one like this. You are right, its great that they are that comfortable but I don't like it either!

 

Hm... two things.

1. As others have mentioned, there's nothing wrong with not liking the company of people with whom you don't have anything in common or don't get along. So don't pressure yourself to think that you "have" to enjoy the company of people like your mother's friends. Even if you have everything under the sun in common with someone else, even if they're really, really nice, there's no rule that says you have to like them. Frankly, I think you're thinking too much about it. (And I don't mean that in a judgemental way at all; that's coming from someone who treats life the way an English major treats a novel.)

2. In thinking too much about it, though, I think you've revealed something about your world view. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said, "And I don't know if that's an internalized homophobia deal, but I think it's more likely I just don't like anyone who acts like that," and had you left if at that, I would have been happy to say that's all there was to it.

But my Spidey senses were tripped when you said "Now, if the fact they sew wedding dresses wasn't enough of a warning sign for stereotypical flamboyance, let me assure you they are as cookie-cutter stereotypical as you can get." (emphasis is my own) That kind of language makes it seem like you are trying to distance yourself from them, which is even more apparent when you say, "I don't want to see myself end up acting like that."

We're raised in this society to think that "flamboyant" and "gay" are interchangeable, which is why many people would say that Mario Cantone is "more gay" than Neil Patrick Harris, even though they're both equally homosexual and what they mean is that Mario is more flamboyant than Neil. So for those of us who don't fit that stereotype, it can feel stifling to hear the message that we "aren't gay enough" to actually be gay.

But here's something we all need to realize at one point or another: what makes you gay is being attracted to the same sex. If you fit that description, you already have all of the necessary qualifications, and there aren't any more that will make you more qualified. In other words, being flamboyant has nothing to do with being gay. Just because you are gay doesn't mean you're going to "end up acting" like other gay people, unless you like them enough to spend time around them and emulate their personality. But the key is that their traits can only rub off on you if you admire them on some level. So you don't need to worry about "ending up acting like that"; once you're out, you'll end up acting like whoever you really are.

If you're going to resent anyone for that, it should be the straight people who stereotype all gay people based on how some of us are, not the flamboyant gay people who "perpetuate" the stereotype. It's the stereotypers who perpetuate stereotypes. So don't hate on flamboyant gays; hate on the people who expect you to act like them.

 

I guess you can think about it in terms of other friends you might have that belong to some stereotypical group. For example, I have friends that are self-avowed rednecks. Sure, I might enjoy doing some things with them and be in the same career field as them, but am I really going to listen to twangy country music, go line dancing, or shoot off guns at the quarry with them? Fuck no! But, just because I don't identify with some of the hick-ish things they do doesn't mean that I can't be friends with them or at least partake in some activities we hold in common (e.g. going on a hike, watching the Superbowl, going out to eat together). I've come to realize that there are a few good friends that you will have most things in common with, but you'll have a larger number of other friends/acquaintances that you might only occasionally get together with. And that's fine. It just adds more diversity to life. As others have said though, there are some individuals who you will meet that you absolutely can't stand and that's fine too. Out of all the hundreds (thousands?) of people you meet in your lifetime, you're not destined to be friends with all of them.

 

I think I know the exact feeling you experienced. It's like a tension in your stomach, and mentally you're on heightened alert. It's anxiety.

I've experienced the same thing (or something similar) when I'm around other people and 'something gay' comes up. Maybe I'm watching a movie or a TV show with other people and there are gay characters. I become VERY aware of the actions and reactions of others. If they laugh, I try to laugh too.

It's like there is a secret fear that being in the proximity of something gay is going to suddenly make you light up like a giant neon sign. Then everyone is going to know that you too are gay.

I'm getting better, slowly. But it's a symptom of being in the closet and the shame and fear surrounding it.

Don't beat yourself up. You were polite and nice. You weren't rude. That is all that matters. The fact that you felt uncomfortable is understandable, and is nothing to beat yourself up about.

 

Exactly.

You're not out to your family, and naturally you don't want them to find out until you're ready to tell them yourself. Your reaction to flamboyance is a defence mechanism. If you react just the right way to them, you believe you'll be safe from being discovered before you're prepared to share your sexuality. Internalised homophobia? Eh, sure, maybe from a reinforcement which gives the perception of working toward your self-preservation, like some sort of Skinnerian conditioning. Who knows? Heh, sorry, I'm sort of having fun now. My main point is that I agree with Aldrick.

 

I might be reading this totally wrong (wouldn't be the first time lol) but I could relate to your description, and it didn't remind me of every "flamboyant" person I've encountered over time, but there seems to be a certain subset that is "flamboyant" AND constantly belittling/criticizing/gossiping which makes me see them as a giant dark cloud of negative energy... Some str8 women fit that same pattern of constantly backstabbing/complaining/scheming, minus the "flamboyance" I suppose (or it's just another version of being "in your face" attention-hungry dramatic etc)... And strangely enough when I read your comment about internalized homophobia I didn't read it as you having the problem with gays in general as much as them having a problem with themselves and therefore harboring and spewing negativity on just about every topic possible.

On the flipside there's the "fun flamboyant" types who are rather visible and vocal, but have a positive outlook and outreach, and don't have that constant dark aura about them.

The other point that many touched on, is that just because someone's gay and you are, doesn't mean you're going to get along - that would be simplifying the complexity of human personalities to one variable. Str8 people come in many different "types" and have different interests etc, and don't all get along. Just because two people happen to be gay doesn't make them clones or compatible. So if you were respectful of them but don't feel like hanging out every night for the next two weeks and becoming best friends I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But as you get more comfortable with "your version of gay" and whatever that develops into, and get more confident that coming out doesn't require you to change every aspect of your personality, you will probably become more comfortable with the vast diversity present out there cause it won't look like a mold you need to squeeze into.

 

i used to be like that too (dismissive and sharply annoyed by all obnoxiously flamboyant guys), but i dont mind flamers anymore. They're people too, and actually CAN sometimes be fun to be around. Wow, I can't believe I just said that!

---------- Post added 8th Jul 2012 at 10:56 PM ----------

There's a reason why we as queer people choose a rainbow as our icon. You don't have to have sex with or constantly seek the company of every color in the spectrum. But you should embrace all of them as equals.

 

And honestly, we've all done it to some degree or another as we work on coming out. I was with friends who I'm out to over the weekend. We were outside their apartment and they have a gay neighbor who started talking to us - he wasn't flamboyant at all, just gay and out. I barely spoke and kind of kept to myself - not in a rude way, but, in a totally closeted way. I don't know what came over me except for anxiety. Anyhow, it's a behavior trait that just has to be consciously overcome.

 

^agreed. all different yet all same, humans need respect and loved.