...I don't want to come out. I'll start by describing what triggered these thoughts. I was at a family party and one of the guys, a cousin's friend, was quite cute and quite nice. And the only openly gay guy there. (He was making my gaydar ping at first, then some words and actions all but confirmed it to me, and then he told the group he was gay). He was just another guy hanging with the people playing drinking games. Anyway, seeing this just reminded me again how I'm sick of not being out. Like, why can't be an open, honest person with others? Why am I holding myself back? Basically, I want to be out but not come out. I know there's a point where I start to be honest with others around me and know that this has to occur and a specific time, the coming out. Unfortunately, I'm associating this point in time with admitting to having been a liar for so many years. It doesn't help matters that I lie about where I'm going and who I'm with when go to my LGBT group. So this isn't just some implicit lie, these are explicit ones. Let's not mention how long I've been carrying on the lie of omission. I'm viewing coming out as a chore and task and it's easy to avoid chores, tasks and difficult things. Also, the only times I really feel the urge to come out are when I get this sudden, impulsive feeling, which I ultimately back out of. Maybe this it just me building some momentum, but any insight and comments are appreciated.
i have told exactly one person i have known over a year and hes gay and i did it on pm on facebook. only time face to face was at Pride to a transwoman. she hugged me afterwards. it felt almost too scary to say even to her there at a trans table! but i made myself have the guts to come out and after i felt proud of myself kinda akward not wanting judged totally accepted and had a joyful relief all day long that i conquered that fear. i have recently made jokes and strong hints to friends. so much so as to get my roomy to message maybe you bi? and i answered maybe, or queer or a man trapped in a female body. so... i kinda want asked or discovered not to initiate the coming out. but i have a building urge to be out and get on with life. i really feel like not teasing girls but flirting and asking them out, i kinda almost did and had huge urge to tell her i am attracted to her. but i def felt something when her face was near mine. i think the inner need of our souls to be open and free and DATE is calling us...but we wont come out fully until ready, like a baby due it comes out when its ready, like a fresh tomato slips easiest off the vine when fully ripened. we will open up and come out when our bodies compell us enough and we are ripened.
Well, I think your age matters to some extent, but regardless, here's what I think. It looks like you've got two options: go through the process of telling everyone (that you don't want to do) or decide to nonchalantly act as though everyone already knows. I know coming out can be a major pain in the ass and pretty terrifying, but I think it's important. If you don't want to, don't make a point of telling everyone... but I think the effort to tell the important people in your life (family, close friends) is worth it. Ultimately though, everyone "comes out" (or doesn't, in this case) differently, so don't feel the need to do it someone else's way, do what's comfortable for you. I would recommend though, if you aren't planning on formally coming out, that you do make the effort to tell someone else beforehand, so you do have a support system in place it goes badly somehow. If nothing else it gives you someone in person to bounce ideas off of if needed.
I'm 24. Which, I know is not late or old or anything like that. But I'm at the point where I seem to have some set identity. So that's what makes it uncomfortable, I'm not a college student or teenager; I'm an adult. My other problem is I don't really have a support system. I have no close friends I'd tell this to. I have some old ones who I wish I were still in contact with because I would definitely tell them. I have an uncle who's gay, so maybe him but I don't want pull him into this. I know for a fact my sister is gay-friendly, but she lives far away and our relationship is not a typical brother/sister one. My brother has asked me if I'm gay, he was drunk, however, but if he asked he must have at least been prepared for a yes answer (I gave him sheepish no, that was last year). While I think he would be accepting, I don't know if he would provide the kind of support required. As for telling mom and dad, my preference, if I have to say anything, is to say, "Ya know I'm gay, right?" I have thought about the timing of coming out, though, it would be after this month and before the holidays, I won't stress people out before vacation and no one will see extended family for a little while (though I don't anticipate any problems with them).
With your old friends, it might be worth extending a message. You could explain your falling out of contact with trying to figure your life out, which leads nicely into your coming out to them. With family, well, they're family. Being gay (and through it all), your uncle would probably be more than willing to help; think about it, he hasn't offered because he doesn't know, right? As for your brother and sister, even if they aren't ideal, they're still your family and care for you. Telling somebody is better than telling nobody. You seem confident with yourself (as much as one can be in this situation), so the goal here isn't necessarily to find someone who can walk you through this whole process, but rather to get someone who will just listen to you if needed, I think anyway.
Yeah, I'm pretty confident within myself, throw in another person and, well, things change. Like, I really just hate talking about personal stuff. Seriously, anything. I don't know if I lock people out as a defense mechanism or because it's just the way I am. I've been thinking about contacting one old friend in particular for a few months now.
So...I don't mean to bump my own thread but I just need to write about this. My mom started asking about the "club" meeting I go to once a month (read, LGBT group). She starts asking if I'm going there to meet people to hang out with. I said no, because I just don't really want to talk about it because it's personal and I'm a bad liar. Then she asked if I was going there to meet a girl and I replied with a lighthearted but emphatic no. The next words out of her mouth were, in this tone that I can't even describe, like when people jokingly say "awkaaaaard...", "Are you gonna tell me that you're gay?" To which I don't even remember how I responded. All I know is I kept eyes on my laptop screen and I didn't say no and I didn't say yes. But I wasn't going to say yes because I'm just sitting down trying to unwind after work and she's going out in 20 minutes and really I was caught totally off balance. So, I don't know, I thought I'd just add that because it ties into OP with concerns about lying. I didn't lie because I didn't say no but I really don't know what I just did. Maybe I exposed myself a little too soon. What gears have started turning in her head? Boy, am I stressed.
I can empathise with you on this. I want to come out, I'm comfortable in myself about my sexuality, but I don't want to go through the whole coming out process. The thought fills me with anxiety and I'd rather just avoid it. I do the same thing though, reply with a nonchalant dismissive answer if ever the topic of girlfriends or relationships crop up. Have you made any more progress with coming out yet? I'd be interested to know.
I feel the same way. I am completely comfortable with myself but just thinking about that process of coming out and telling my family almost throws me into a panic attackr So for me personally i dont think i have to tell anyone i dont want to.
omg I know exactly how you feel you dont have to "come out to anybody" I personally hate those words and the phrase coming out of the closet. Str8 people dont owe anybody an explanation they never have to pull there family to the table and say well dad I um like girls and im str8. So why do we just start going out with guys and have them find out that way say mom dad this is my boyfriend and were going out today. now if they have questions they wanna ask u then you can answer them but you dont owe anybody an explanation str8 people dont have to so I certainly dont see why we do. I was never in or out the closet people assume im not gay because Im not stereotype enogh for them and because statistic wise we are the minority. However I have never hid it I just havent announced it becuase um why do I have 2? you dont either for all u care your already out the closet. If i shoot a woman in front of her husband do I need to tell him his wife is dead? or does he get the picture on his own lol do you follow me?
Coming out is a very personal thing and you will do it when the time is right! If it's something you REALLY want, maybe bring one of your friends from your LGBT group for support! You can lay it all out on the table and still have the unwavering support of your friend!
Adam123: I hope that conversation and other things like it are a decent hint. If I think I give sufficient clues, I won't feel like my coming out will be from out of nowhere. That makes me feel better. Shep121: I've recognized that it's my coming out and that I control who I tell, how I tell them and when I tell them, so that alleviates some of my guilt. BornThisWay24: Amen! But I still need to take that first step. GabbyLynne: I do really need some LGBT friends, I think that will help a lot. However, I'm finding it difficult to interact with people in my group. I feel like when I go to meetings I move from one closet into another one. One where I appear to be a person who is out, when in fact I've never come out to anyone. The anxiety I feel and problems I face as as a "not out" person in the LGBT group are the same as the ones I deal with as closeted gay person interacting with family and old friends. In fact, I had several openings to bring it up but I just didn't do it.
