I am a 20 year old closeted gay guy, and when i say closeted, i mean nobody appears to even suspect. For the last 4/5 years I have known but i have kind of pushed it asside, avoided the subject and simply not engaged with my feelings, even going as far as regularly making out with girls at clubs/bars while out with my friends even though i knew at the time it wasnt really what i wanted, but recently (the last 7-8 months) the burden of my feelings seems to be catching up with me and its really making my life difficult, the constant unhappiness has crossed over from the odd moment of realisation i got when i had thinking time, or at night as i tried to sleep, which i used to pretend i could ignore, into my daily work and college life. I know that i cant go on this way but i cant even contemplate the possiblitity of coming out to my friends and certainly not my rather conservative family, im living a lie and i miss chances of possible relationships with people i really want to be with because of it. Now im at the age of 20 is really getting me down, I want to move on to the next stage of my life and be who i really am but there is a wall in the way that i have built in my own mind :bang:, i cant help but feel like I would disapoint my family, and i know for a fact there are certain friends id lose. I know people will say they are only true friends if they accept who i am but that doesnt make the possibility of losing them as friends any easier. I have tried to avoid the issue for to long and it really has got to the point where i cant keep going on like this. I suppose im looking for advice but being able to type this out has been a small relief in itself.
First off, welcome to EC! Just using the site for venting is one of the many reasons it's so awesome here. Even better is the fact that usually someone will chime in with advice or the ability to relate. Me, I've got both. Sounds stupid, but for some reason this hits home harder for me than usual because I'm also an Adam and I'm also born in 91, heh. Don't let yourself get hung up over the past - what's done is done. Chalk it up to learning experience; you're now certain you don't like girls, right? I think if you hang around here and look at older threads and even the Resources section you can read up on other member's coming out stories. A lot of them have conservative families with a wide variety of results. Obviously I can't guarantee it's all in your head and they'll take it well, but I wouldn't condemn yourself to being the family's disappointment either. There's really no way to tell until you actually tell them. As for your friends, what makes you "certain" there are friends you'd lose? Again, people here have lots of experiences in similar situations to yours. I personally had a couple super-religious and rather conservative friends I thought wouldn't associate with me after, but they both took it very well in fact. Hopefully that just goes to show that it's not always the worst case scenario (even though I know we often train ourselves to look for that, being closeted). Also, I could go into a longer explanation on it, but there's the idea of cognitive dissonance. It's a psychological phenomenon that occurs when our actions don't match our beliefs, causing us "dissonance". To relieve this unsettled feeling, we have to change either our actions or our beliefs to make them match with one another. In the case of your friends, if they're homophobic or very unaccepting of gay people (their thoughts) but they're acting nicely towards you, who they'll know as "gay" if you come out to them (their actions), it doesn't exactly line up. Since they can't really change their actions (I mean, what's been done is done, there's no denying that), that leaves them to change their beliefs, thus causing them to come around and be more okay with gay people (or at least you as a gay person). That's the theory anyway, but it does happen quite often. Emotional investment does wonders in saving a relationship, no matter how badly you think it'll go. Anyway, stick around EC for a bit if you'd like and keep posting what's on your mind... hopefully someone will have some advice for you, and if not, maybe it'll just help you get more comfortable with the idea of coming out over time.
I think that Budder gave you some solid advice and I'm going to second everything he said, but I have some of my own to add too. The truth is that nothing is ever as bad as it really seems in the moment and you just have to accept that as fact, because it is. I've been on EC for what feels like forever at this point and so many people have came here and said the same exact things you've said and they eventually move beyond it, and live really happy lives and realize, at some point, how foolish and silly they were "back then." I don't want to trivialize what you're feeling because it's very serious, but you don't have to live so conflicted. When you're closeted it's like you have mud on your windshield. You can't see the whole scene clearly right now. Your parents might be disappointed at first, and they might get mad and they might cry about it, but that's natural and normal. In a way, when you come out, (and you eventually will have to come out, but only when you're comfortable) they'll be grieving some dreams they had for you. You know, a wife, kids, whatever. But you're their son and I promise that they're going to love you regardless. And you can still have all of the things they want for you--true love, kids, a worthwhile job, an education, the whole nine yards. You might have to show that to them. It's a process, and it might take them a while. But they'll get there. And if you lose even one friend over your sexuality, you're better off without them in your life, and I mean it. I don't think that will happen, and I hope it doesn't, but if it does, you just have to move on. Friends come and go and that's life. You'll meet other people that share your hobbies and interests, and they'll be genuine friends next time, because then you won't ever have to watch what you say about your sexuality, or your love life, or who you're crushing on or whatever. You won't have to put on an act for them because they'll already know. It feels so good to be loved for who you are. It's a hard road to walk sometimes but if you hang around EC, everyone here will help you as much as we can. You could be happy, you just have to start living for yourself and push out what you think everyone else expects of you. You get one shot at life and it's totally passing you by right now.
Hey dude, So basically I am commenting because I can really relate. I had the exact same realization moment when I was 20. I had just been suppressing my gay thoughts completely and thinking "I'll just worry about that later". But when the big 2 0 hit I realized I was not getting any younger. I knew I had to do something to act on my desires. But instead of coming out, I just stuck to online hook up web sites. I took a road I am not extremely proud of but I ended up okay in my opinion. Also, I am super closeted and no one would ever suspect. I looked online for people like myself to talk to, nothing else. It led me to places like this...along with other places. These other places were more hook up oriented which is how I ended up there. I was extremely reluctant and I only ever meet anyone from online twice. May be too many times already. Anyways, I am just trying to say that when you are deeply closeted like I was and still am, it can be hard to come out. It just feels like we may have more to lose than people who are perhaps more likely to be gay by stereotype. My advice would be to not rush anything. You are still young, believe it or not. Also, you have already found an amazing resource for whatever it is you want to accomplish in EC.
As others have said, welcome to EC. I don't have much more to offer than the others have said except that you have certainly found the best place to talk about your concerns and feelings. If nothing else, the feedback you get here can start to ease your mind. While everybody's personal experience is different, I can say that I was absolutely amazed as to how well everybody I've told so far has taken it and how supportive they've been. EC gave me the courage to do it and my only regret is not having done it sooner. Good luck.
