Hi EC, Been a while since I posted but I'm feeling a bit down at the moment... I've been on my own for like 3 years now but it's only recently I've actually started to realise it, and I may face the lonely road in my future too, and I was just wondering if anyone has any links or such that have ways to embrace loneliness, as I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. It's really starting to get me depressed and make me have the urge to keep drinking again. I can actually accept never having a boyfriend, but the thing is my mind isn't there, I'm pretty sure loners accept that they are alone forever, and if they happen to meet anyone then they see where things go from there. I would like to have that pure independance as it would make me feel secure, but I'm just someone that is naturally social, but I don't want to be. TL;DR - Any tips/links on how to embrace being a loner?
You say that you are naturally social, so why do you want to be a loner? Independence is valuable, but so are emotional support and the other perks that come with having friends or a romantic partner. The most important thing is finding the balance that works best for you. If you feel lonely, then you might want to consider increasing your social contact. (This might not always be immediately possible, but I would recommend coming up with a strategy for how to get it once the opportunity shows itself.) You can make yourself happier as a loner by devoting yourself to your interests and hobbies. For me, that meant playing video games, programming, and, to a lesser extent, practicing flute, violin, and piano. Find something you like doing by yourself and try to get better at.
So you're asking me how you can give up on finding someone? I'm not going to tell you how to give up, but if you're willing to tell me what's keeping you from finding someone, I'm all ears.
I just want to start off by saying that being single for 3 years doesn't mean that you'll never find someone. I knew a straight guy that was single from age 19 to 26. He got married at 28. Since you're single at the moment, you may want to focus on yourself and your interests. You could take time to go out and try new things. Is there something that you've always wanted to do but never got around to? Is there any skill that you'd like to improve. You could use this time to learn about yourself and grow as a person
I think I didn't make myself clear, by being on my own for 3 years I mean no contact with anyone, not just a boyfriend. I only occasionally talk to a friend from my old school while playing games with him via skype, other than that I have 0 contact with anyone else. I appriciate you guys trying to make me not want to be lonely, but all I really want are ways to embrace it, not remove it.
I'm not gonna tell you how to accept something you don't have to accept. Why are you completely removing yourself from the world like this?
This is a tough one. Here are a few strategies, it all depends on how your brain works: 1) Don't eliminate the hope, dampen it Our brain is often resistant to drastic changes, but is more complacent to smaller ones. Coming to the conclusion that you'd be alone without a boyfriend for life can be a very hard conclusion for the brain to accept, and can often trigger depressive emotions. Try just dampening the hope. Like, not think about getting a boyfriend every day, just find activities that you can do alone or with your friends. Slowly and gradually tell yourself that maybe you can live a happy life without a boyfriend, but still keep the tiny hope of finding a boyfriend one day; something like "I am happy without one, but would be a good surprise to find one." 2) Redirect I have a "food chain" hypothesis of desire. Every desire serves to "feed" a deeper level desire, down to the "base desires". So in a very very simplistic example, if the desire to find a boyfriend "feeds" desire A (say companionship, social needs, etc), then if cultivate another desire that also "feeds" desire A, your need for the desire to find a boyfriend lessens. This is of course highly dependent on the individual, so you'd have to determine what are the other substitute desires. Some more common ones are finding close friends to spend time with, develop companionship with pets, etc. You can also go one level deeper by finding a substitute to the desire that is being fed by the desire to find a boyfriend. For example, some people, resign to a less social life and find enjoyments in certain solitary activities. 3) Fantasize This is a very experimental method that is often frowned upon in society. Depending on the power of your imagination, you can develop a "non-real" boyfriend. Various applications include: falling in love with a video game character, creating a simulated world, developing an imaginary boyfriend. This is highly dependent on your ability to imagine. For example, some people need to watch a movie to feel the pleasure of visual simulation, while others can gain the same enjoyment by just reading a book and picturing the scene. Again, this method is often frowned upon by society... people might think you're insane... Then again, no one needs to know that you have an imaginary boyfriend, though often, telling people about your imaginary boyfriend strengthens his position in your mind. All the best!
Because I made a very stupid decision back then and as a result I now have nobody, and I really can't be bothered to put in effort to try and make new friends, nobody understands my thoughts, nobody cares about me or what I care about, or how I think about things, I just simply don't fit in with anyone. I'm the type of person that wants to know how and why everything works, such as how water creates a prism to project a rainbow by splitting white light, but nobody else cares about that stuff and tells me to shut up or something similar, which irritates me because I generally find it interesting, and they expect me to care about their interests. People just piss me off so much, being ridiculously self-centered, it's a shame but that's how everyone is around me. I'd rather take the dirt track than walk down the one-way road. I really do appreciate your fanaticism, but I'm just SO tired of being tired about this situation, I really just want to embrace loneliness so hopefully I can start to feel somewhat happy again. Thanks for input! 1) Yeah that's how I'm trying to think. The thing is I want a boyfriend more than anything in the world, but I want to be able to feel it's secondary, and not primary. 2) Hmm, that is food for thought and I will think about it more, thanks. 3) That may work for some, but I'm afraid that won't work for me. Even thinking about having a boyfriend makes me depressed because I really enjoy the idea of it, and I feel like I will never have one, which is a reason I wish to embrace loneliness.
I'm something of a loner myself, with very few friends and zero romantic prospects on my horizon. Do I feel lonely sometimes? Of course I do - I'm human, and apparently humans are pack creatures. Do I worry incessantly about being alone? No. Why is this? I've learned to appreciate my own company and all I have to offer myself. Essentially, I love myself. Society has engrained us to believe that single people are somehow incomplete, damaged, or otherwise missing something that they require to simply exist. It's utter hogwash if you ask me. My advice: Don't worry too much about being single or never having had a partner. It isn't the end of the world. Learn how to rely on yourself for the kind of fulfillment that some people find from relationships. Sure, having a partner is great (or so I hear), but if you can't pacify yourself and find that sort of warmth and love that comes from being in a relationship inside your own mentality, then you probably won't get it from a relationship either. But you have to learn to be enough for yourself. Be the kind of partner you want to have. Complete yourself. Then you'll be more open to love when the possiblity arises, and things all kind of fall into place. Even if they don't, you'll be fine because you're the one that you want. Make sense?
The thing is that sounds a bit narcissistic to me, and I'm the complete opposite of that, but I guess I'll just have to put up with sadness for a little while and hopefully I'll get to that place of not caring about a partner, thanks.
