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Being gay and living in a dorm?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by bob94, Jul 9, 2012.

  1. bob94

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    Hello everyone. So this Fall, I'll be going to college. As of right now, I plan on staying with my parents for the first year and commuting to school. Lately I've been thinking about the possibility of living in the dorms because I'm not the most social person, and I think it would help me make friends. But the dorms are separated by gender, and that's what I'm worried about. I pretty much get along with everybody I know, but the majority (I would say about 85%) of my friends are girls. I just click better with girls. I know that the topic of dating will come up quite a bit, and I would probably have to come out to my roommates at some point, since I don't like to lie. What if I had a homophobic roommate? Have any of you had experience with this sort of thing? Any advice is appreciated :slight_smile:.
     
  2. BradThePug

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    It really depends on what school you are going to.

    I know that for me, college is a much more open and accepting environment. My first roommate was homophobic, but I talked to my residence hall director and she helped me get her moved to a different room.

    My second roommate was awesome!! She totally accepted me for who I was. We got along really well.

    Some of the people that lived on my floor knew that I was gay. I really did not tell everybody because I did not talk to some of the people on my floor. (My neighbors and I did not get along.. it had nothing to do with sexuality though) When I came out to one of my neighbors, she actually told me that she was bisexual.

    I guess my advice would be to not be afraid to be who you are. The people in the hall do not know who you were in the past. This makes college a good place to show your true colors.
     
  3. BudderMC

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    This, 100%. I wasn't out at university, that was when I started figuring everything out... but the people I met there are the well, most awesome people I've ever met. By no means would I have considered myself a social person in high school, but I'd say I was pretty social living on campus. My residence was co-ed, but rooms were by gender (obviously). It worked out though that a lot of my end of the floor was all guys, so that's kinda close. Personally, I click better with girls too. I ended up meeting a ton of people through Welcome (frosh) Week. From there, I just hung out in common rooms all the time. We built up a pretty big circle of regulars who'd spend most of the day there (and by that, I mean nearly any free time between classes up till say midnight or so, when it was time for bed). My roommate was a really guy's-guy, which was uncomfortable for me at the time since I was figuring my sexuality and stuff out (even though he was super nice), so I avoided my room a lot. I honestly spent more time in the common rooms than in my own room, including sleeping time.

    If you have the opportunity to, I'd highly recommend living in-residence to everyone. Some experiences will be bad, but you learn to deal with them, not to mention there are systems in place (like your floor advisors) to prevent and solve the problems and to give you the best experience you can have. I can't say anything else besides that it's definitely worth it.
     
  4. Owen

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    The majority of my friends in high school were girls, too. But when I went to college, I ended up with mostly guy friends, for whatever reason. I'm not saying the same will happen for you, but it could. :slight_smile:

    One of the benefits of living in a dorm is that it gives you easier access to all of the other amenities of college life, as well as more reason to take advantage of them. That includes student organizations/clubs, local hang-out spots, dining halls, and plenty of other place where meeting people is easier. When you're at home, it's easier to stick to your usual grove, but that probably won't make you many new friends. Living in a dorm gives you a reason to try something you've never tried before, because it's an opportunity to try new things that can become new habits.
     
  5. Deaf Not Blind

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    I'm going to be in a dorm, with someone also hoh, a female, and equally messy, like music, and warm room. :/ they asked everything except if i was wanting to be with same birth-gender or same REAL gender.
     
  6. bob94

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    Thank you all; you gave some great advice :slight_smile:.
    @thecat06: You're right. It will be much easier to be myself since nobody will know me. I knew most of my high school classmates since elementary school, so it was hard to be myself. I'm so glad those days are over :slight_smile:.

    @BudderMC: I really hope I can open up like that and make more friends. I have many friends, but very few who are actually close.

    @Owen: You're right. Staying at home does make it "easier to stick to your usual grove." That's one of the main reasons why I want to live in a dorm. I just don't feel like I'm getting anywhere socially and with my sexuality while staying with my parents.

    @Deaf Not Blind: I'm sorry about that :frowning2:. That really does complicate things for you. I guess I'm lucky that I don't have to go through that sort of complication.
     
  7. Carm

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    i think you'd be fine. why not talk to a resident administrator or whatever they're called, and make sure you're in a room with non-homophobes? my brother loved having gay friends in college, and he identified straight….until he didn't. haha.
     
  8. vere

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    To be completely honest (and this could just be my experience) you might not even get to the point where you and your roommate have to discuss your sexuality. In my four semesters of college, never once have I discussed dating/romance with either of my two roomates. Most of our conversations consisted of idle chat such as "How are your classes?" and "What are your plans for the holidays." Many of my friends have had similar experiences...

    However, if the topic of your sexuality were to come up, I wouldn't worry too much. It's obviously important that you feel that comfortable, but I have found many students to be accepting or at the very least indifferent. As others have said though, it certainly depends on where you go...
     
  9. bob94

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    If I were to stay in the dorms, I would be sharing a suite with five other guys, and I would share a bedroom with one other guy. To me, it just seems like it would be very likely that at least one of them would be homophobic. I will be going to school in Springfield, Missouri. Missouri tends to be very socially conservative and homophobic, especially in the rural areas like where I live. The larger cities are quite a bit better in that regard. So I'm bound to run into both kinds of people.

    Even though you didn't discuss relationships very much, did you ever come out to them?
     
  10. vere

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    Well I suppose statistically yes, with five guys there is a greater chance that one of them could be homophobic, but certainly don't let that deter you from living on campus if that is something you want to do!

    To answer your question, no I never came out to either of my roommates (I never really had a reason to frankly), but I have lesbian/gay friends who have discussed their sexuality with their roommates without any negative consequences. In fact, some of them arranged to be roomed together for the following semester :slight_smile: .
     
  11. unknown12

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    I would apply before the week is over should you decide to live in dorms. Most collages have already assigned rooms and are wait-listing people. I think that's a awesome environment to find yourself and to network. staying at home sounds so constraining.
     
  12. Deaf Not Blind

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    yeah at least cis-gender gay men can just get dressed and shave and look male...you don't have to become another gender everyday. lucky! you look like a man!
     
  13. Nykoru

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    Oh look, more people having to deal with dorms :wink:

    I'll be heading into a four-bedroom apartment-style dorm (awesome that it's in a brand-new building, though), but my trick to deal with the whole, well, gender thing, was to put in my application that I'm transgendered. I also ended up speaking to the residence director about it, though I haven't yet heard if I get a male room or a female room. I have been offered a room, though, so it's probably sorted out.

    It also gives me a deadline, if I got a male room, so I'm juuuuust about there XD
     
  14. Dalmatian

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    I had all kinds of friends in highschool, but those I used to spend almost all my time with were girls. At college I was with guys all the time. I lived in a private accomodation for a couple of years and then a couple in dorms and the latter was by far better in every way. There's no substitute for being with 20-year-olds when you are 20. My only regret is that I didn't realize I was gay back then. However, one roommate aside, I am certain none would have had homophobic outbursts.

    Hopefully that helps a little..

    Oh, and I live in a pretty homophobic country and that was a decade ago when the notion of homosexuality was a novelty here. People at 20 are liberal enough, no matter where they live.
     
  15. RebelD

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    I have been living in hostel or dorm (things work a little bit different here) for 3 years now. No one knows that I'm gay. I don't try to hide it, people just assume that I'm not. But overall people just don't care that much and most are more accepting than in schools. It is rather stressful to think about it, but you'll be fine! It really is a lot of fun and you aren't obligated to tell someone if you don't want to. And if you don't get a long with your room mate or you're uncomfortable, there is always someone you can go to for a new room mate.

    Good luck! :thumbsup:
     
  16. BudderMC

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    You're going to meet homophobic people wherever you go. Avoiding a situation that's likely very good for personal and social growth because of fear that one person might potentially dislike you for who you are, while I totally understand where you're coming from, seems silly, doesn't it?

    Think of it this way: If some guy doesn't like you for who you are, who are you helping by avoiding him? You reinforce the idea that he has the power and you need to live in fear. And you don't.

    Conflicts come up in residence, regardless the reason. So treat them the same way when they come up: be open, communicate, and call in someone with more authority as needed. You're paying the university, they're very much at your will in a sense... they'll accommodate your needs to avoid making a big deal out of something.

    Personally, I was afraid my roommate would be homophobic. In retrospect he seems really chill and would probably be fine if I came out to him today, but it's still a scary prospect. So just surround yourself with the people who you know are cool with it.
     
  17. FJ Cruiser

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    I was nervous too about living in a dorm situation, and I ended up living with guys I knew from high school. I figured that even though we didn't know each other that well, there was some precedent to base their opinion of me on once they found out I was gay. They're now among my best friends, and my orientation is a complete non-issue.

    I feel like I did the best thing for me in not telling them for a semester since basically no one else knew. Since you're still largely in the closet, there's really no reason for them to know if you're uncomfortable with it. The deal is though, once you start coming out, you might want to tell them also so they don't hear it from a different source and possibly freak out. Many college guys our age don't have a strong opinion of LGBT issues yet, so if you're upfront and cool with them about it, they're much more likely to respond positively than if they found out another way.

    You might want to test the waters with bringing up LGBT issues casually, and if they respond in a way that makes you uncomfortable, then you can always ask for a roommate change without stating the specific reason.

    There's also the possibility that you're not even going to see your roommate enough for it to matter. I know some people that became good friends with their roommates, and others that maybe exchange a sentence or two a day.

    My advice would be to avoid commuting your freshman year simply because you'll make so many more friends if you live on campus. You'll learn how to deal with peers and living on your own. Though it's rarer and rarer on college campuses these days, it's true you might encounter homophobia, but let's face it, it's something we'll probably have to deal with as adults, so just use it as a growing experience. That said, I haven't encountered any at all yet.
     
  18. Delta

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    I say go for it! Live in the dorms, and be as out and proud as you want to be! Even if that isn't very out at all... XD Colleges are new and open places. Your dorm is the place where you sleep, and besides that everything else you ever do can be done somewhere else, with whatever friends you want. I say go for it. Dorms are a big part of living at college.
     
  19. dano22

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    i never lived in a dorm but I lived in a small city college apartment and had homophobic roommates with one being dangerously homophobic. I lived with him for a whole school year and put up with his stupidity. It was a very hard experience and kind of ruined the college experience for me. I am sorry I have to be honest since you are going to a college in a more than likely conservative town the changes you will be face with homophobia are very great. You are just gonna have to be prepared for that. I did expect any of that at all to happen to me but it did and I was not prepared to deal with it. I secretly attended a gay group at my college and never came out to my roommates but I felt like a burden to them and a pathetic closet case. I would really try to get to know your roommates really well once you move in. Don't like ask them a million questions when they walk in but see how they react to things in the news or something like that. Again I have to honest living with a homophobic roommate can have deadly consequences and can be a great impact on your own self esteem and could lead to you doing self destructive things. Not saying that will happen but if it turns out your roommate is extremely homophobic and could seem harmful to you I would switch rooms with him. I lived with three guys and all of them had homophobic tendencies. I could dealt with two of them who would of posed no physical threat to me at all but one of them could of easily put his hands on me. So I am not saying you should leave if your roommate is homophobic it really depends if he is a physically dangerous person.
     
  20. bob94

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    It's good that you're being honest; I want to hear about different experiences, both good and bad. If I were to have a really homophobic roommate(s), I would definitely make a request to switch rooms. I definitely wouldn't blurt out "I'm gay!" as soon as I meet them. But if I felt comfortable enough with one (or all) of them, then I may tell them. Thank you for the advice.