1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Falling for another woman after living a straight life for 29 years.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Ally, Jul 9, 2012.

  1. Ally

    Ally Guest

    I'm a 29 year old woman and have identified as straight my whole life.

    It's been 2 years since I ended a 10-year relationship with a man, and I've since moved out of state and started a fresh life, intent on figuring out who I am without the labels i'd been saddled with for so long.

    I haven't made tons of friends since I've relocated, so a couple of months ago when a new friend introduced me to her roommate (a lesbian), I was thrilled to have really hit it off with this girl (the roommate) right away.
    We just clicked immediately. Conversation came more easily than it has with anyone in a long while, and I settled into finally having a friend nearby who gets me and with whom i adore spending time.

    This "New BFF" bliss lasted a month or so before I started to realize I felt differently about this girl than I have ever felt about a friend.

    A jolt I felt during a hello hug at a local bar one night confirmed for me that I had a crush.
    I dismissed the feeling, reminding myself that she wasn't the first girl I've ever felt sexually attracted to, and that it was probably just brought on because we get along so well and I haven't been romantically involved with someone in a couple of years.


    Gradually, however, I started to wonder what she thought of me - does she think i'm pretty? does she feel the jolt when we touch too? when she says she likes my hair this way, is she asking me to wear it like this for her? when she winks at me is she winking at me?
    Passing thoughts of her turned into fantasies and have developed into what i think are romantic feelings.

    I've been certain of my feelings for her for about 6 weeks now, and i'm starting to have a lot of trouble keeping myself in check around her.

    I think she's caught on to this because our friendship seems to have changed.
    She's pulled waaaaaay back.
    (though she has made some comments that confuse me and would normally seem like flirtation to me if they were coming from a man)

    My point is not even about this girl.
    I'm just very long-winded. :icon_wink
    The last thing i want to do is alienate the only person I've felt close to since I started over in a new life.


    I just want to know if this is normal.
    Every gay friend I have has told me they knew they were gay since adolescence.

    Is it even feasible that I could be bisexual or a lesbian and not have known for so, so long?
    A close gay male friend in whom I have confided has not been supportive of what I've started to feel, and says this is only happening because im single and 'need to get laid'.

    I thought at first that he might be right, but I have to be true to how i feel.

    And how I feel is that i have butterflies every time i see her, touch her, hear her voice, or even think of her.
    I've fantasized about what our first date would be like, and how our first kiss would feel, how much my friends back home would love her if they got to meet her, and how proud and elated i'd be to be able to call her my girlfriend.

    I don't have a problem with the fact that I may be bisexual or gay.
    I just don't want to hurt anyone i care about (especially this girl) in the process of me figuring it out.

    Any advice or thoughts or similar stories would be appreciated.
    I'm just trying to figure out how to be the happiest and truest version of myself.
     
  2. loveless1937

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 8, 2012
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    ♪somewhere...over the rainbow..♫
    Gender:
    Female
    I just want to confirm really quickly that it is a lot more common than believed for people to realize their sexuality later in life than others. I would love to be able to say that I know what you mean from personal experience because that is where I get my best advice from but seeing as I'm only 16 and have already figured out that part of me I can't say that. But I have read in many places about people not discovering their true sexualities untill after a long (as in about 25 years or so) heterosexual marriages when they become attracted to the same sex for the first time. So you are not alone there. I just wanted you to know.
     
  3. Ally

    Ally Guest

    Thank you so much for your reply, loveless.
    It means a lot to me that you made your way through that crazy long post and still saw fit to say something in response.
    I have a sister your age who is a lesbian as well, and I can only hope that she would be as kind to a confused stranger as you have been. :slight_smile:
     
  4. redstormrising

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2011
    Messages:
    679
    Likes Received:
    1
    more common than you think! i spent the first 30 years of my life thinking i was straight - or, more accurately, assuming i was straight and not thinking about it at all
     
  5. Ally

    Ally Guest

    YES. That's pretty much how I've been all this time.
    It just never occurred to me before that I could be anything but straight, especially having been with the same man since I was 17 years old.
    And then I meet this amazing girl and BAM, I'm going insane daily trying to keep it to myself.
    I still have no clue what to do, but finding this website has been a huge help already because I'm able to read about other people's experiences.

    Thank you for responding. :slight_smile:
     
  6. redstormrising

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2011
    Messages:
    679
    Likes Received:
    1
    that's kind of what happened to me, too - i fell like a ton of bricks for a woman at work, and was going nuts trying to sort myself out! that's how i wound up here, and it definitely was helpful to find that there were other "late bloomers," so to speak :slight_smile:
     
  7. Carm

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2012
    Messages:
    80
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    i came out to myself at 27. it's definitely possible. and good for you that you're free and able to explore that relationship! why not ask her if she might be interested in going out, or just tell her you have a crush on her or get tingly when you see her? You can keep it light-hearted and feel her out that way. just flirt a bit and see what happens.
     
  8. Ally

    Ally Guest

    This site has been such an amazing find for me.
    For a while, I've been obsessing to a few close friends about what's going on, and though they are mostly accepting and trying to be helpful with advice and listening to me go on and on, there's only so much they can do to help, and then it's beyond their experience.

    Was it hard for you to be around your coworker after you began to feel that way about her?
    Since I realized how I feel about my friend, I've been super awkward and she's been very quiet. I'm worried we won't be able to be friends anymore because of this, and I almost don't mind, because it's kind of torturous being near her knowing I can't have her.

    One thing I'm terrified of is having to integrate into a culture I'm unfamiliar with if it turns out I'm not straight.
    Some things I've read make me feel like a lot of lesbians don't want to date bisexual girls or girls who haven't known they're lesbians for their whole lives.
    Hearing that kind of stuff just makes me want to never try dating a woman at all. :slight_smile:
     
  9. Carm

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2012
    Messages:
    80
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    i don't understand: why can't you have her? is she partnered? I think you'll be fine finding another woman to date. no worries!

    ---------- Post added 9th Jul 2012 at 08:47 PM ----------

    oh, and what comments has she made? How does she act? How has she gotten awkward or quiet?
     
  10. Ally

    Ally Guest

    I've been thinking about saying something to her about it, but I'm just so nervous about losing a friend to an awkward situation. I feel like I should try to meet some other women first and get to know more lesbians and see if I can connect with another woman who isn't a friend.
    Do you think that's silly?
    The other issue is that she's 5 years younger than I am, and the last thing she needs is to be some confused older woman's first female experience. I wouldnt want to put that on her emotionally, even if she did have an interest in me.
    I'm trying to be a responsible adult, but it's difficult to do when you fall for someone so hard.
    :slight_smile::slight_smile:
     
  11. Carm

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2012
    Messages:
    80
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    i don't think an age difference like that should make a difference. and I don't understand why you would want to go and get get someone else. It looks a bit like your theory is getting in the way of your reality….it is what it is.

    ---------- Post added 9th Jul 2012 at 08:58 PM ----------

    not to be mean. i think i'm just getting tired…and more blunt. what I mean to say is that if you like her, whether or not she's a friend (most relationships do bud out of friendships) and whether or not she's younger, neither of those really make a difference. an no, it doesn't fit your very mature adult view of how everything should work out just so, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't work out and it wouldn't be good. fives years is not a pervy age difference, in my opinion. she's old enough and adult enough to make her own decision - as long as it's presented to her at all. ;D

    ---------- Post added 9th Jul 2012 at 08:59 PM ----------

    another thing - to describe yourself as a "confused older woman" made me snort. seriously, give yourself a break!
     
  12. Ally

    Ally Guest

    When we first met, we were very friendly together and didn't hesitate to make physical contact with each other - a playful nudge here and there, a hug, no awkwardness if limbs happened to graze. Lots of one on one conversations when other friends also happened to be around.
    She's commented a couple of times when I've shown up to her place looking particularly good, which i wouldn't think twice about with someone I wasn't attracted to, but when you have a crush on someone, you want what they say to mean more than it does.
    Once I realized how I felt, I noticed a change in her as well. She very obviously stopped making eye contact with me, began to hesitate to be alone with me, and seems to have withdrawn from the openness of our previous conversation style.
    I asked her once if I'd done something wrong and she wasn't comfortable talking to me anymore, and she avoided the question by answering something I didn't ask.
    I'm not a subtle woman. It's not within me to hide well how I feel about something, and I've just assumed that she figured out I've fallen for her and she's trying to take a step back so as not to encourage my feelings and jeopardize our friendship.

    And I have tried backing off. It's just difficult to do so.


    But goodness, I hope you're right about me being able to find another woman to date!

    ---------- Post added 9th Jul 2012 at 10:08 PM ----------

    Haha you're right.
    I need someone to be blunt with me!
    I really appreciate your advice and insight.
    It's given me so much more to think about than I've been able to figure out on my own.
    This is great.
     
  13. lilbitlost

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2012
    Messages:
    152
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Best thing i think you can do is be honest. Tell her you like her. If she says no thanks then you can work on rebuilding the friendship minus the awkward 'what if', if she says yes then do a dance around the room and organise a date :slight_smile:

    Be brave and take a leap.
     
  14. loveless1937

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 8, 2012
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    ♪somewhere...over the rainbow..♫
    Gender:
    Female
    I tend to agree with lilbitlost on this one. I know I've already responded to part of your post but I feel the need to chime in on the current conversation. That may be because I'm a chatterbox but anyway, back to what I was going to say. There isn't really anything you can do that will benefit you and your relationship with this woman other than just take the chance and tell her how you feel. In my experience, (limited though it may be) it is always best to be honest. And btw, five years is nothing. Not compared to one of the men my mom married.... He was 20 years older than her. That sounds pervy but it wasn't. It was actually an adorable relationship. And seeing as you're only five years older than her, you'll probably have a better chance of working out than my mom and her hubby did. I'm glad you can open up out here. This is a great group of people that are very supportive and very helpful.
     
  15. redstormrising

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2011
    Messages:
    679
    Likes Received:
    1
    almost impossible -- but for different reasons. she was very openly out, and everyone always thought she was into me. (we'd actually known each other for years before this point.) she became my supervisor, so anything between us was forbidden, but she was still flirty with me until she started dating a girl who looked a lot like me and was pretty similar to me in a lot of ways. my boss was also extremely manipulative and just not a good person. i was under a lot of stress at that point, so i'll just go with the fact that i was not thinking clearly :slight_smile: i changed jobs a few months after that, though.


    it's a little like going through puberty all over again, but you'll figure it out, just like you did the first time. i have been turned down by women who said i didn't have enough experience, but i've also dated women who didn't care about that. i've been seeing the most wonderful woman for the past 4 months and couldn't be happier, so it definitely is possible!
     
  16. IrisM

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 8, 2012
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Nowheresville, Massachusetts
    Ask her to come with you somewhere, and then sit down with her. Somewhere familiar might be ok, or just somewhere were you can be alone. Look her in the eyes, and smile. Tell her that you appreciate her and she's a really great, fun person. Then tell her that you think you might have feelings for her.

    At best, she'll give you a hug and tell you she feels the same. At worst, she'll probably be flattered and help you in getting to meet someone. It's entirely possible she's been there herself, and she understands.
     
  17. WeirdnessMagnet

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2011
    Messages:
    479
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Klein sexuality bottle
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Err... Wait... Yes, I know how this works, I'd been telling this kind of stuff to myself even longer than you, but really... It amounts to "I wanted same sex my whole life, so I really had been straight."

    Re your gay friend: Just ask him how sexually deprieved he must be before he starts looking at girls. Seriously people just don't do get horny for same sex because of mere extended abstinence... Unless they're not straight.

    Culture thing/ "more gay than thou" types. Yes, they exist, they're a problem. We promise that we'll try harder at distributing that damn "why complaining other people aren't oppressed enough is silly" memo next time. Political poseurs aside, there are some who are turned off by thought of a partner being with opposite sex. Well, all I can say is that no, not everyone is like that, no your chances at girlfriend aren't more problematic because of that any more than they're because of other unalterable stuff about you that may turn some people off (and make some other people mad with desire at the same time.)

    Your crush. Well... Tell her. Yes, it's unpredictable what would happen after you do, and yes, there are issues with a relationship like that. BUT. If you don't tell her, you aren't working on those issues, you're chickening out. Yes, you may not be fo her or she for you, but how would you know if you didn't even try?
     
  18. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey I know you have kind of worked past parts of the original post but just thought I would add what I could to the conversation. I only figured out I was into girls at about 26 so that is definitely possible.

    I think you should tell her. Just explain it how you did to us, you never really felt like this before and always assumed you were straight but you have been feeling attracted to her, and if she doesnt feel the same thats fine, and you really dont want to hurt the great friendship you have but that you felt not telling her might hurt it more. Then give her time to respond.
     
  19. Ally

    Ally Guest

    i just want to thank you all for taking the time to read and reply with your advice.
    i appreciate so much that ive been able to read responses that are encouraging and realistic.

    i have been thinking for a couple of weeks that i do need to talk to my friend about my feelings because right now its not doing me (or our friendship) any good for me to be so awkward and unlike myself.
    the ideas you guys have given about just how to present it to her seem really normal and great and non-creepy, and i really needed suggestions like that.

    to weirdnessmagnet - i agree with you. the best way for me to deal with how i am feeling is probably to just openly acknowledge it and go from there. that seems pretty healthy. ha.

    i am hoping that if i can find the right way to be genuine and non-pressuring with her, the worst that can happen is that she is nice about letting me down easy.
    and even if she feels uncomfortable being friends after that, as long as she understands and isnt cruel to me (and i doubt she would be cruel - she is a really thoughtful, sweet, and gentle person), i will be okay, and i will have started my journey to figuring out how to be the me i am supposed to be. :slight_smile:

    i am also ridiculously pleased to hear from people who have had similar experiences with this happening in their late 20's and older, because i was just so completely baffled for weeks and weeks about how i could have missed this about myself for so long.
    (although, i bet if i really looked back, there would be a sign here or there that i conveniently disregarded)


    i will update after i work up the nerve to talk to my friend.
    it may take some time, as im basically sick with nerves just thinking about it.

    to redstormrising: i am not looking forward to potentially basically going through my sexual adolescence again, but hey, at least this time im not ACTUALLY 14 years old and when i really think about it, im glad i possess a much more clear idea about what i want and who i am. if only i could've had this luxury the first time! :slight_smile::slight_smile:


    thanks again, to all of you, for the support you've shown this stranger.
    i feel more clear-headed today than i have in a couple of months.
     
  20. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You are welcome, we will look forward to updates.