[First off, I'm not trying to say anything offensive, that's not my intention AT ALL, but I'm not really sure how to get this out right.] Since I came out (to myself) as being bi (though now I know I'm not) I've gone through phases of who I like. As an example, I could like gay men more than straight women. I never stop liking everyone, but I find that, at different times, I'm more attracted to one gender and/or orientation than another. Now, I don't know if there's a name for that (looking through all the different terms that finally lead me to pansexual showed me that there are a LOT of names for a LOT of things) but whatever. Normally my preference would cycle relatively regularly, most likely it had something to do with my general mood, if I felt strong, gentle, quite, energetic, etc., etc. As of late, though, and for a much longer time than normal, I've been strongly drawn to gay men, specifically effeminate gay men. Both sexually and romantically I really want a boyfriend, someone who is smaller and shyer than myself who I can just hold and seem like the most important person in the world too. During this time period I've had some sporadic feelings towards a couple of women, but after going through some stuff with both of them, I've come to realize that they are both just really good friends, and that I don't have any feelings towards them more than that. So I guess what I'm trying to figure out here, is whether my orientation has taken a turn to gay, maybe even asexual hetero-romantic, rather than pansexual.
I'd agree with that....but as of now....i'm not exactly sexually attracted to females. I don't know if it's because I'm just in that part of my little cycle thingy or what.
Sexuality is a funny thing. Before I stumbled across the term genderfluid, I always knew I was male as well female and also this extreme sense of displacement as a person altogether [agender.] My way of coming out unofficially was to tell people I was a "girly tomboy" or chimera because I didn't know there was an actual word for it. Anywho, the point I'm getting to is, I used to identify my sexual orientation as bisexual. But I never felt comfortable with it. It wasn't a sense of shame, I was out to EVERYONE. It was just an uneasiness in myself because I started noticing that how I felt with women, and how I felt with men were completely different. I love them equally, and desire them sexually equally, but not quite. When I had my more female days, I found no interest in females whatsoever. The same went towards men when I had my more male days. I noticed whenever I was with a female sexually, it almost felt like I had a surge of testosterone, and in those times I would have a sense of dysphoria in the fact that I'm lacking a penis and felt inadequate in my ability to please women because of it. This doesn't stop me from loving and desiring them as a man. When I'm with a male, I feel extremely feminine and it feels right. It feels right when I'm with a woman also, but in this case I don't have dysphoria because I'm built to correspond to a man and so I feel I am adequately pleasing them. When I learned the word genderfluid. I was like "Oh my god. My whole life makes sense!" I reflected on this and realized that sexual orientation can also be fluid. That's when I had the epiphany; I know I'm not bisexual because I'm not homosexual for women...I'm heterosexual for women as a man." Of course, this caused a great distress on me, in trying to figure out how to re-explain my sexual orientation to others when I also came out as genderfluid. Which is why I'm listed as straight female and straight male. I am disappointed to report that so far, I have found no term for this type of sexuality. So, on sites with limited options, I still list as bisexual. I thought of inventing my own term "fluid-heterosexual." Anywho, take some time to reflect on your inner self. Only you will know what you feel and what is right. Maybe it's a cycle, or maybe this will have a permanent hold on you, or maybe you're complicated like me, haha. Though I'm starting to think that's rare. =\
Well...as embarrassing as it is, I'll probably only know for sure once I'm actually 'with' someone hahaha xD But it's the act of not knowing something about myself, like you were saying, that's the hard part
Nothing to be embarrassed about not having the opportunity or not being ready. If it has to do with not being ready, please don't force yourself out of curiosity or the urge to "have" to know what sexual orientation you have. You have your whole life to define yourself. Virginity is something that can never be replaced, once you lose it, that's it. But if it's not a matter of being ready and you've just not had the opportunity yet, I'm sure it will come. When it does, I hope it will be everything you hope for and a perfect moment and happy experience filled with mutual love, trust and understanding. <3
